Lines To Utter Before Making Love

In bed, I like to make my lover laugh. In my world, laughing and having sex are a dish best served stuffed within each other like some sort of love-making turducken. So I like to have a line that I think really gets the ball rolling. Something that can relax us both, let the guard down, and start the open flow of communication. Sometimes I’m a bit vulgar, sometimes a bit shy, once in awhile I pretend to be awkward or inexperienced, but usually I’m just dry and sarcastic. The trick here is to be funny, perhaps even edgy, but not cross the line where you take your lover out of the mood. I unveil my line (usually in some spontaneous accent) and wait for a reaction.

“Ok, I’ll be the man and you be the woman this time.”

“Pay no attention to the graham-cracker crust on it. American Pie was on TBS earlier and all we had was no-bake cheesecake.”

“Can you recite all 50 states off the top of your head? I need to know if I have a geography fetish.”

“Be gentle with me tonight. You know how dry it gets in the summer. It’s the height of chaffing season.”

“Do you mind if I call you Anikin?”

“Tonight, everything is fair game. Nothing is off limits. I need some new stories to tell to the guys back at the office.”

“I’m all thumbs down there. In a good way.”

“Have you ever heard the expression, “He dances like he has two left feet?” Well, replace dancing with sex and replace feet with testicles and then you will begin to understand my world.”

“Word on the street is that you like it from your man in the way only your man can give it to you. Yes, word on the street is awfully vague these days.”

“You’ll note my socks are in currently in the rocked on state. Mission control, can we get a status countdown on rocking my socks off?”

“I’m so excited! I’ve already pictured this like a thousand times today.”

“I assure you that no matter what happens I would like to think it can get better. And in this arena, I will practice like a dog to get better. ”

“There will be a 15-minute intermission. Feel free to visit the restroom or buy a snack in the lobby.”

“Bryan Adams should be here right now writing a song about this moment.”

“You are so beautiful that even if we had never met before today I would still be having sex with you right now.”

“I feel like the luckiest man in the world tonight. Except that tonight I’m having sex with just you and he’s probably got a whole harem of you’s.”