Lines To Utter Before Making Love

In bed, I like to make my lover laugh. In my world, laughing and having sex are a dish best served stuffed within each other like some sort of love-making turducken. So I like to have a line that I think really gets the ball rolling. Something that can relax us both, let the guard down, and start the open flow of communication. Sometimes I’m a bit vulgar, sometimes a bit shy, once in awhile I pretend to be awkward or inexperienced, but usually I’m just dry and sarcastic. The trick here is to be funny, perhaps even edgy, but not cross the line where you take your lover out of the mood. I unveil my line (usually in some spontaneous accent) and wait for a reaction.

“Ok, I’ll be the man and you be the woman this time.”

“Pay no attention to the graham-cracker crust on it. American Pie was on TBS earlier and all we had was no-bake cheesecake.”

“Can you recite all 50 states off the top of your head? I need to know if I have a geography fetish.”

“Be gentle with me tonight. You know how dry it gets in the summer. It’s the height of chaffing season.”

“Do you mind if I call you Anikin?”

“Tonight, everything is fair game. Nothing is off limits. I need some new stories to tell to the guys back at the office.”

“I’m all thumbs down there. In a good way.”

“Have you ever heard the expression, “He dances like he has two left feet?” Well, replace dancing with sex and replace feet with testicles and then you will begin to understand my world.”

“Word on the street is that you like it from your man in the way only your man can give it to you. Yes, word on the street is awfully vague these days.”

“You’ll note my socks are in currently in the rocked on state. Mission control, can we get a status countdown on rocking my socks off?”

“I’m so excited! I’ve already pictured this like a thousand times today.”

“I assure you that no matter what happens I would like to think it can get better. And in this arena, I will practice like a dog to get better. ”

“There will be a 15-minute intermission. Feel free to visit the restroom or buy a snack in the lobby.”

“Bryan Adams should be here right now writing a song about this moment.”

“You are so beautiful that even if we had never met before today I would still be having sex with you right now.”

“I feel like the luckiest man in the world tonight. Except that tonight I’m having sex with just you and he’s probably got a whole harem of you’s.”

14 thoughts on “Lines To Utter Before Making Love”

  1. Pre-sex phrases? Alright, I’ll divulge:

    “Just remember: There are a lot of women that would love to be in your shoes right now.”

    “Alright, a commercial is starting. We’ve got two minutes to get it on.”

    “You’re just being paranoid. The neighbors can’t see into our back yard.”

    “Be careful. Don’t spill my drink.”

    “Hurry… before the baby starts crying.”

  2. How about some pre-sex comebacks to the Centaur’s phrases…

    “A lot of women would like to be in my shoes you say? Give me some names. I’d like to call them and call you out on that.”

    “You think we can do this during a commercial break? How about we just skip it, same effect from my end.”

    “Even if the neighbors can’t see into our backyard their windows are likely open and they can certainly hear into our backyard.”

    “Hurry before the baby starts crying? OK.”

  3. A few more…

    “Just act natural. Forget the cameras are even there.”

    “Looks like I won the bet. I’ll need some of your undergarments as proof, though.”

    “I think I’m going to blog about this. Any ideas for a funny title to this post?”

    “Whoa… whoa… please. The tennis shoes stay on.”

    “Do I have to pause my game?”

    “My only regret is that there aren’t more people around to witness this…”

  4. Remember, they have to be slightly sarcastic to be funny. I mean, seriously, you take your shoes off less than a Heaven’s Gate cult member. :)

    “If I was stranded on a desert island I think I could live a thousand years with just a lock of your hair. No food. No water. I would just eat half a strand each week and that would be enough for me to live a thousand years. Can you believe it!?! Isn’t modern technology amazing!”

    “For years I’ve been shaping it like a bonsai with my own hand. Snip here. Twist there. It truly is my masterpiece.”

    “When I close my eyes I can hear my own ear lobes. That’s what you do for me. It’s so amazingly insane feeling. I really wonder sometimes if you could take it.”

    “Tonight, you fall in love with a new part of me and I’ll fall in love with a new part of you. Those are new nipples, right?”

    Ok, seriously, I need to keep some of these for myself.

  5. “Just so you know in advance… My underwear isn’t edible.”

    “Call it in the air… Alright, ‘heads!’ I think I’m going to elect to receive. You can pick which end zone you want to defend.”

    “What is today? The fourth? Let’s check and see who won the pool.”

    “Ok, I lied. I’m not being shipped off to Vietnam tomorrow.”

  6. Being a lady, I don’t have to say anything clever. I usually just throw off my shirt and attempt to shimmy. That is always humorous and sexy enough to get the party started.

  7. Excellent work from the captive lion.

    I don’t about sarcastic or funny but here is the words of love that Krusty throws down before the lovin…..

    “Dammit baby why can’t you at least pretend like your excited!”

    “Here hold my beer I’ll only be a minute.”

    “Come over here and show me the money!”

    “Hey it’s not like I ask that often!”

    “The movies are to expensive, I’ll be your action star and it will only cost you half as much.”

    “NO I am not kidding, you would look great in that lara croft outfit.”

  8. In reality, when Krusty is lucky enough to get laid, I never see it coming. There are some caveman grunts, but no actual words come before sex from him.

    And as far as my pre-sex dialogue, I’m keeping it to myself. I don’t want Krusty to know all of my move yet. I want to save something exciting for year 5.

  9. Ahh I always knew that my suave use of the english language was wasted on my wife. Here I am reciting shakespear and all she hears is grunts. Oh well whatever gets us there right.

    “me man you woman get bed now rrrrrrr.”

  10. “Ok, I think I’m ready to try it without the helmet and kneepads this time.”

    “Let me lock up my personal belongings first… hopefully now you’ll ditch any plans about trying to rob me afterwards.”

    “Why yes, I am licensed and bonded to do this type of work.”

  11. Nice, guys. Wait until you’ve been married another decade. Then the humor is more like this:

    “Were you gonna wash that first?”

    “Wouldn’t it be kinky if I rolled over and pretended I was asleep while you did that?”

    “Hurry, before ‘Lost’ starts.”

    “Seriously, were you gonna wash that?”

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