The Volcano

I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am over the wonderful new addition to our household. Yes, I’ve been busy passing around cigars to coworkers, accepting hearty pats on the back, and placing a full-color announcement in our local paper to broadcast our joy. This blessed event has changed my life, and has shown me what love is all about. With apologies to CK, I just hope fatherhood and the miracle of procreation is nearly half as rewarding as owning a hot tub…

New Year’s weekend presented me with an opportunity to introduce other Zillionaires to my hot tub in a form other than the accordion of photos I keep in my wallet. But our story really begins back in September at the Apollo Spas dealership (cue wavy camera effects to signify a flashback is occurring…)

Me: “I’ve got a lot of rage.”
Hot tub Dealer (nodding): “Uh huh.
Me: “No question, it’s leading me down the path of the dark side…”
Hot tub Dealer: “Yeah, we get a lot of that here.”
Me: “Seriously. Stress is killing me. I’ve tried to find constructive outlets for my rage, you know, things like paintballing, origami, coaching youth hockey teams. Nothing works.”
Hot tub Dealer (leading me into his showroom): “I’ve got just the thing… This baby will clear that right up.”

And at that moment, I first laid eyes on the Volcano. The world stood still. My eyes were transfixed on the most awe-inspiring display of hydrotherapy I’d ever seen. I completely tuned out his sales pitch about the former Soviet Union, decommissioned submarine parts, weapons-grade-this, and nuclear-reactor-that. Mesmerized, I blindly stripped down to prove I wasn’t wearing a wire, handed over a briefcase of cash, shook his hand, and the rest is history… (Cue wavy camera effects to signify a return to the present)

Before I tell you about the Volcano, I’d like to highlight some of the other amenities our hot tub features…

The Lounger: In this seat, approximately 20 jets work all segments of the body simultaneously. This is easily the most comprehensive full-body massage available. It is especially helpful when you have unconventional spots of tension, like the area right behind your kneecap. Don’t worry, there’s a jet in place to work that knot right out…

The Co-Pilot Seat: Located adjacent to The Lounger, this is the only seat that is merely a seat. No jets, no bubbles, no frills, nothing. The experience of sitting in the Co-Pilot Seat could be easily duplicated by sitting in your bathtub in a swimsuit. For whatever reason I’ll never understand, this is my wife’s favorite seat.

The Recliners: Spaced next to each other at perfect conversational distance, the Recliners duplicate the cozy ambiance of a living room… under 4 feet of water.

And of course, The Volcano:

For once, the seismic activity being generated at my house isn’t attributed to a home improvement project gone horribly wrong. It is simply the sound of the Volcano, an industrial strength jet with the power to rip barnacles off a ship’s hull or strip away a coat of paint on the side of your house.

For starters, the Volcano is aptly named. At first glance, it is merely a solitary, conical peak lying dormant at the bottom of our hot tub. Hardly foreboding. It is almost inviting people to climb to its peak to sacrifice a virgin. On it’s gentle setting, it creates a pleasant foot massage in the center of the hot tub. On it’s medium setting, it renders a powerful back massage to users brave enough to lie across it. And on it’s “Eruption” setting, the Volcano goes Vesuvius, and treats your spine like Pompeii.

The Volcano is powerful enough to fully support the weight of the user. While floating in this suspended state, the Volcano will align your spine better than any chiropractor or orthopedic shoes ever could. The feeling afterward is pure rejuvenation. If only Ponce de Leon had stumbled across an Apollo Spas dealership, he might have decided that enjoying a cocktail while having the Volcano battering your spine is just as good eternal youth.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the capacity to withstand an experience on the Volcano, just like not everyone can withstand a cannonball being fired into their stomach. Truthfully, in the interest of full disclosure, ten minutes on the Volcano is just as likely to end in total paralysis, as it is a comfortable massage.

But, if you can endure all of that, the health benefits are obvious. Owning a hot tub has pushed back the heart attack I was going to have at age 35 to sometime in my early 50’s. I even sleep better at night, as the mixture of hot water, alcohol, and severe spinal trauma creates the perfect evening tranquilizer. And finally, because of our hot tub, I am no longer limited to just drinking my problems away. I now have the option to soak them away as well. And that, as Robert Frost would say, has made all the difference.