Final installment of pre-wedding thoughts…
As you’ve probably gathered from my previous posts, I’m generally not allowed to contribute ideas for our wedding. You see, my fiance tends to prefer sane, rational opinions and ideas for our big day. All of my suggestions, like the “Arby’s Sauce Fountain” and the “Gigantic Wedding Churro” (in place of a wedding cake) have been quickly shot down. Following my fiancé’s condemnation of my ideas, I usually just accept the situation, un-pause my XBox game, and return to saving the universe.
However, I was particularly adamant in my opposition to Save-the-Date cards. Naturally, I was still overridden, but I thought I would share the story anyway…
Save-the-date cards:
Essentially, these cards are sent to our guests months before our actual invitations, to remind them that a formal invitation is forthcoming, and they should make arrangements now to “save the date” for our wedding day. Apparently, we are worried that our guests will treat our first few direct mailings as junk mail, and therefore we need to deluge them with wedding advertisements months in advance. Like any other summertime blockbuster, our wedding demands the requisite hype. Billboards, radio spots, tabloid rumors… evidently we’ll do whatever it takes to generate the proper buzz to get people to attend our wedding.
I really pleaded with my fiancé not to send out save-the-date cards. It just feels so pathetic. Essentially, we’re acknowledging to our guests, in writing, that we fully expect our wedding to lose out in any scheduling conflict that may arise. And so, we’re asking them, months in advance, to not schedule a dentist appointment or plan on pumping the septic tank during our wedding weekend. Hey, we completely understand that our wedding is so low on their list of priorities that we need to preemptively beg them to keep the date free. To me, these cards just sent the wrong message.
Thusly, I suggested we send out “We Don’t Care If You Come” cards to our guests in advance, and perhaps invoke a little reverse psychology. If we quit acting so desperate, maybe people would willingly set aside the date without our groveling. Of course, my confrontational approach to wedding invitations was vetoed, and the sniveling save-the-date cards were mailed out instead.
Alright, that’s it for the pre-wedding thoughts…
Ok, wait… one more. C’mon people, the Wedding Churro! We need to get some grassroots support of this idea to bring it to fruition. I suggest a letter writing campaign to your elected officials, followed by some direct action, perhaps a band of pro-churro demonstrators could block the entrance to our wedding or something.
This idea came about a few months ago when I was looking for a creative alternative to the traditional wedding cake. A friend of mine works at Nestle, and I inquired about the logistics of serving a giant Baby Ruth bar instead of a wedding cake. We could have had the best of both worlds: Serving a gigantic, delicious dessert and being featured in the Guinness Book of World Records. Not surprisingly, shattering a world record for the “Largest Dessert at a Wedding Function or Bar Mitzvah” was not a priority for Jeannette on her wedding day.
Thankfully, inspiration struck again during my recent trip to Disneyland. Everywhere I looked I saw people indulging in crowd-pleasing desserts like sno-cones and ice cream sandwiches, and nobody was eating wedding cake. Passing by an otherwise ordinary food stand on my way to the Haunted Mansion it hit me like a bolt of lightning… THE WEDDING CHURRO! Instead of a traditional, run-of-the-mill wedding cake, we serve portions of one enormous churro to our guests. I immediately shared my stroke of brilliance with my traveling companions and it was met with great enthusiasm… (Ok, just Krusty thought it was a good idea.) Anyway, let’s face it, the churro is generally the most underrated and least celebrated dessert out there. Frankly, I’ve always been a huge fan of the churro, and it’s definitely long overdue for a moment in the sun. So please, fellow Zillionaires, I’m asking you to stage a hunger strike, light yourself on fire, or something else equally self-destructive to help raise awareness for the Wedding Churro. With your help, hopefully it will be a massive churro Jeannette and I cut into on Saturday night…
That’s really it for the pre-wedding thoughts… I’m looking forward to seeing all the Zillionaires this weekend…
You’re on a roll, dude! Judging from your gift registry at Sears, I guess you’re trying to get out all the funny before your life revolves around lawn care and BBQing.
your future father-in-law, Mr Anda and his attorney has contacted me. It seems he wants the Ring family to put a $25000
bond just in case his guest are dissatisfied with your performannce at the wedding. I had to assure him that my son is taking this ceramony very serious. There is no reason on the Anda side for any pre-nuptial sress. Matthew for the sake of your mother who is very much looking forward to this happy event, please call her and tell her you are in your Zen and you will have a good game on sat.
dad
ring,
you are frickin’ hillarious.
if i’m driving all this way, getting ready in a campground and manning, excuse me, co-manning the guest book, i seriously expect a camo cumberbun. i don’t care what anda says, stand your ground man. bytheway, my boyfriend had suggested a garden hose for jeannette’s bridal shower and this was before i knew about the sears registry. all you guys must be on some sort of testosterone wavelength, creepy.
see you soon.