The Best Man Rings In

First off, as a single man I am really having a hard time getting my head around all these posts about the details of getting married. I thought weddings were born when a stork flew a sweet, giggling little wedding cake wrapped in a snuggly soft blanket to a happily waiting couple, arms stretched wide to receive the bundle of joy. Oh well, I guess that is just where babies come from…

Secondly, as the best man I feel I must chime in a few of my own thoughts for this occasion. I’ll just put them in a power-point friendly bulleted list for your reading pleasure:

• All the world shed a tear the day we found out that you didn’t put “Pee-wee” or “McSex” as a nickname for yourself on the wedding invitations. If you are trying to move on, put those names behind you, forge a more adult persona for yourself then I say fine, do that after the wedding. I almost threw the invite away (the first time) because, at first glance, I didn’t recognize any of the names on it. If McSex is good enough for the whole world on Xbox Live, why not among your closest kin and friends?
• The least you could do to pay me back for all the hard work of getting the bachelor party organized is wear the bonerface shirt I made for you as you and Jeannette ride off into the sunset.
• Speaking of embarking on the honeymoon, is it too much to ask that you bring the MR2 out of retirement for the final gettaway? I know I’d like to recreate your senior picture moment one more time! This time with you in your bonerface shirt, Jeannette in your old letterman’s jacket, and you’re both leaning in, resting your elbows on that shiny red spoiler! Seriously, why didn’t we give you more crap for that back in the day?



• From the commentary on zillionaire so far, I think I speak for all the groomsman when I express just how much we are looking forward to our traditional groomsman gift. Judging from your zeal for questioning the smallest of Jeannette’s expenditures (debating with her about the cost of postage, envelopes, even paper for god’s sake) I can only assume we are each going to get a) a quarter to put in the nearest almond, jawbreaker, or gumball machine; b) whatever was on sale at the local closeout liquidator grocery store, i.e. unopened bottles of red dye number 6; or the cleverly parental c) good feeling and a pat on the back. Well, I guess those are better than nothing.
• Please, god forbid, make a spectacle. You’ll come up with something in this department, I know you will, but in case your lacking for ideas, I’ll give you a couple. For instance, instead of having Ryan standing up at the podium when you and Jeannette walk down the aisle, have an organ grinder and a monkey up there working the crowd a bit. Then poof, a cloud of smoke envelopes them, the wedding march starts and as the smoke dissapates Ryan will be magically standing there, but in the monkey’s costume. Or better yet, when Ryan is leading you in your vows, turn to me (again as the best man) and do a motion with your hand like Ryan is jabbering on. You know, that motion where your hand looks like a duck quacking. And then roll your eyes. Then, lean in to me a little, whisper something into my ear and then put your hands together like they are a pillow next to your head and pretend to fall asleep. If I just told the world the routine you already had rehearsed I apologize.

Lastly, of course, I would like to congratulate you and Jeannette and wish you both the best. It has been said that a true zillionaire never settles down, but you are going to be an exception to the rule my good friend.