Category: Life

Goodnight From Brooklyn from Dave Allen on Vimeo.

A Brooklyn Sunrise from Dave Allen on Vimeo.

As you know, helping others is a passion of mine.

The other day, a foreigner came up to me with a perplexed look. He was worried that he was about to lose his job over a simple breakdown in communication. The English language is complicated, and sometimes common expressions can become lost in translation for non-native speakers.

From what I gathered, his supervisor told him to deliver an “ass-load” of lumber to the construction site. It’s a simple enough request. The problem is, the foreigner showed up with a mere “butt-load.” You can imagine the frustration of the supervisor.

I chuckled as he relayed the story to me. True, confusing “ass-load” and “butt-load” is an easy misunderstanding when you think about it. As I explained to the foreigner, both terms reference tremendously large, burdensome quantities. For instance, you might say that you have an “ass-load of homework to do” or that you have a “butt-load of bills to pay.”

However, there is a distinction between the two words: an ass-load is much, much bigger than a butt-load. I elaborated further, that while it does imply a pretty massive quantity, a butt-load is still somewhat manageable. On the other hand, an ass-load is a quantity that is almost impossible to achieve.

“Think of it this way,” I told him, “if someone requests an ass-load of something, give them as much of it as is humanly possible, as there is no greater quantity of anything than an ass-load. On top of that, you can never exceed an ass-load. For instance, you’ll never hear someone say, ‘Whoa, whoa… this is way too much… I only wanted an ass-load of French fries.”

I continued on, “Now, think of a butt-load as generally one-fourth of an ass-load. Granted, it’s still a lot, but it’s somewhat doable.”

Despite this explanation, I could see the foreigner was still having a hard time understanding the concept. Then it dawned on me, in the foreigner’s native land, they used the metric system. Pulling out my TI-85, I used the conversion function to demonstrate that an ass-load was really 1.78 “arse-loads”, the corresponding unit of measure in the metric system. I could see it was starting to make sense.

I figured while I had the foreigner’s attention, it was incumbent upon me to share with him some of the other usages of the prefixes “ass” and “butt” to avoid future embarrassing mishaps. “In our culture,” I began, “the words “ass” and “butt” can be powerful modifiers of traditional words. In fact, in some circumstances, a prefix of “ass” or “butt” will make the word take on its most extreme form. Here are some examples…”

“For starters, let’s say you have to catch a flight in the wee hours of the morning. Obviously, you’d want to get up pretty early. You may even be forced to get up “ass-early”. This is the earliest possible time a person can be woken up from a full-on sleeping state. Technically speaking, the actual time of day you’d get out of bed would be the “butt-crack of dawn”. And naturally, the butt-crack of dawn is ridiculously earlier than the real crack of dawn.”

“Now when it comes to your job, if you hit traffic you might show up late for work. However, if it has been several hours, and there is considerable doubt you will show up for work at all, that is being “ass-late” for work. Generally, that means arriving at least two hours or so later from when you were supposed to be there. Similarly, if you have an important deadline, you might find yourself working ass-late at the office. Working ass-late means that when you finally do get home from work, all you do is go straight to bed so that you can get enough sleep to handle being at work at eight a.m. the next morning.”

“Also, if someone is really worthless at their job, they might be called “ass-lazy.” For the record, ass-lazy is as lazy as someone can possibly be. Even worse, if you have no professionalism whatsoever, you might get called an “ass-clown.” As you might expect, an “ass-clown” is even more of a buffoon than a regular clown.”

“And finally, when it comes to a blind date, worst-case scenario is that your date is “butt-ugly” with “ass-breath.” If you find yourself in that situation, just tell her you have to get up “ass-early” the next day and cut the date short.”

The foreigner thanked me for my help and we parted ways. I tried to make a joke about how this should help him “ass-similate” to our culture, but he didn’t get it. I thought it was clever though, and laughed to myself as I crossed the street.

Dear Mom and Dad:

If you recall, in the summer of 2006, I gave you a total of $30 to cover gas expenses in exchange for unlimited use of your jet skis. These contributions were given on two separate occasions, one in the amount of $20 and the other for $10. In neither instance was I given a receipt.

While no formal method of accounting was ever agreed upon, I assumed that my jet ski usage was essentially prepaid not only through 2006, but through 2007 as well, and possibly covered into the beginning of 2008. You can imagine my dismay when I learned that you sold your jet skis two weeks ago.

Since then, I have been patiently waiting for the remaining balance of my jet ski gasoline contribution to be refunded.

To further complicate matters, I was never provided monthly statements showing the accrual of my jet ski usage along with the corresponding deductions to the gasoline fund. Because of this, I do not have a firm dollar figure on what my balance should be.

To remedy this, I estimated my account value utilizing the most fair and prudent assumptions possible. Using the highest possible gas price in 2006, and rounding up my hourly usage, I feel that the absolute minimum my account value should be is $7.32. As a gesture of good-faith, I am willing to settle on this amount, even though my actual balance could be well in excess of eight or nine dollars.

I believe this to be a very fair compromise. My family and I have very much enjoyed visits to your lake place in the summer, and we hope that this matter can be addressed expeditiously. Please find enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope. And as a further courtesy, we would prefer a money order to a personal check.

Thank you for your consideration,
Centaur

Generally speaking, I do not consider asking for a glass of water to be an outlandish request.

For starters, it’s not like water is scarce. It is actually the most abundant resource on the planet. And it’s not like drinking water is abnormal, since consuming several glasses a day is necessary for human survival.

However, the fast-food industry feels differently. And they have collectively decided that ordering water in one of their establishments will include being publicly maligned, stigmatized and hassled whenever possible. Consequently, while I myself usually do not order water at fast food places, I do enjoy watching other people order water.

Let’s be honest here, nobody orders water on the basis of taste. In fact, even though water has no taste whatsoever, it still somehow manages to taste horrible when mixed with fast food. I don’t know why, but it does. Everyone knows this. So as I see it, people choosing to order water at a Burger King generally have one of these afflictions:

1. Overt Cheapness.
2. Misplaced Health Consciousness.

Now, I can understand why the fast-food industry doesn’t want to cater to either of these demographics. As for the first group, it takes a flamboyantly cheap individual to prolong the wait in line for everyone else by deviating from the Value Meal menu and individually ordering all the components of the Value Meal, except for the soda, just to save forty cents.

Naturally, the cashiers are prepared for this trick and always have a head shake or eye roll ready. This seems to be the universal reaction to ordering water at a fast food place. I firmly believe that this is actually part of the employee training.

As for the second group, there are actually people that believe that they are making a healthy decision by opting for water over a soft drink. Yes, I will admit, water is healthier than Coke. Hell, drinking paint thinner is healthier than Coke. My point is that a patron abandons any pretense of a healthy lifestyle the instant they walked through the door of a McDonald’s or Burger King. Ordering water or asking for an extra piece of lettuce on a triple Whopper won’t change that.

They’re not fooling anyone. Simply put, ordering water with a fast food meal does not make you health-conscious. It makes you health-oblivious. It’s like smoking a pack of cigarettes outside, so that you can get some fresh air while you inhale cancer.

Having to begrudgingly serve water to these types of customers ultimately inspired the fast-food industry to innovate. Since they were unable to taint or poison the water itself, they focused their efforts on the cup it was served in. They wanted to somehow make a cup that was small, inconvenient, and even subtly insulting to their customers. Soon, they invented a product borne of their collective hatred of water drinkers: the fast-food water cup.

The first step in the process involved training the cashiers. Whenever water is ordered, the cashier should slowly hand the water cup over, smirk at you in condescension, and fold his arms. This is done to draw unwanted attention to the patron in front of the other customers. Honestly, I think certain cashiers live for this moment. Let’s face it, being an employee at a fast food restaurant is generally unfulfilling, until a water order provides an opportunity of comeuppance. Since they generally don’t have real employee benefits, like health care, this is the only perk they get.

Here is a typical example of the sarcastic customer service a water drinker will receive:

Cashier: “Ok, here is your change sir. And here is your FREE water cup. Would you also like some ketchup packets or a coffee stirrer? Those items are also FREE!”

As I mentioned earlier, this is actually part of the employee training, as it seems to pervade every restaurant I’ve ever been in. It’s a tossup whether the cashier has been instructed on how to make change or operate the register, but they unfailingly have been taught how to persecute water drinkers.

Second, as further proof that fast-food places hate serving water just look at the cup they give you. In most cases, you can see the cup dispenser by the register: small, medium, large and extra large cups are waiting. This is just a tease. When water is ordered, notice that they don’t just hand you the cup used for a small soft drink. They actually go to the trouble to stock a special water cup. And as you might expect, it’s smaller than their small cup for soft drinks. It’s even smaller than their child-sized cups.

This provides a second opportunity to humiliate the consumer. Forcing a grown man to be seen with a tiny water cup is pretty emasculating. Seriously, try picking up a woman while holding a ridiculously small cup of water. I guarantee you won’t get far.

On top of that, none of the lids will fit the water cup. So not only must the consumer hassle around getting refills after every third sip, they must also do so with the risk of crotch spills from the lack of lid. And during these trips to the crowded beverage station every two minutes, there will be plenty of awkward encounters with other patrons trying to get refills for the soft drinks they actually paid money for. Ideally, a few frustrated sighs from the people behind the water drinker should help reiterate the fact that they are a second-class citizen at Burger King.

Also, it should be noted that the fast-food water cup is always completely generic and made from plain Styrofoam. They don’t even bother to print their logo on it like their other cups. It’s like the fast food companies don’t want to be associated, in any way, with water. Apparently, water is bad for their image. And the last thing they want is for their brand to be tied to the deadbeats and health-obnoxious people that order it.

Finally, if you do want water with your meal, they won’t even go to the trouble of charging you for it. Sure, even though it’s water, there are costs involved. The cup, for instance. Actually, that’s pretty much it. They could charge you for the cup. But they don’t. And they do it to insure themslelves the right to publicly humiliate the consumers that try to get free water from them.

Keep this in mind next time you dine on fast-food. I don’t know, it seems like you’d be better off just paying the 40 cents.