Category: Life

As winter motions to the charging spring to let it “play through”, I’m both elated and slightly melancholy. You see, with the passing of the cold season I am forced to reckon with the fact that I won’t get to see, hear, or utter a word about ear muffs for months. Yes, that’s right, ear muffs. It’s not that I spend all winter jabbering on about ear muffs or anything, but without fail, every time I see someone wearing them I laugh. They seem so practical, yet absurd. Such a great contradiction. Why are they so furry on the outside, I wonder? What about the rest of the head, doesn’t it get cold too? Can I get other fashion accessories that look like music paraphenalia? I’m still waiting for “jewel-case” themed boxer-briefs, for instance (why thank you, that is a clever pun isn’t it!).

But it’s not just the sight of them that makes me chuckle. I love saying the words. Ear muffs. Muffs, in particular, is the humdinger. It’s one of those words that sounds just how it looks. A perfect of example of onomatopoeia, in my opinion. I’m so happy saying it I might just start describing all my clothing using the ear muff formula. It’s easy, just pick a body part that can get cold and is normally protected from the elements by some swath of fabric and add the word “muff or muffs” to it.

Some examples:

• Shirt = Chest muff
• Bra = Breast muffs
• Scarf = Neck muff
• Boxer-briefs = Nut muffs
• And my personal favorite… Panties = Muff muffs

It’s only a matter of time before this catches on, I think. And don’t forget, you muffed it here first. I think I just found a new nickname for that next someone special I meet as well… the muffler!

Note from management: I apologize for the graphic nature of the above, but I think you’ll agree PG-13 is sometimes way funnier than G. Please keep the comments decent. We are getting hits from Google now.

Do me a favor. Take out your driver’s license. Flip it over. Does it read “Organ Donor?” If yes, give yourself a high-five and congratulate yourself for not being a completely selfish organ hoarder. If it doesn’t identify you as organ donor, go to your local church, steal the biggest, most elaborate pipe organ you can fit in your hatchback and donate it right away. Maybe then, God will forgive you.

Of course, being the saintly guy that I am, I have gladly taken it a step further. I am proclaiming right now that I don’t need to wait for death to come knocking on my door in order to turn the good deed. I am hereby willing to donate any and all of my vestigial organs to any who need them… on one condition, however. Your need for my vestigial organs must be life-threatening. That’s it.

So if your appendix is over it’s 10-year, 100,000 mile warranty and you want a new one, prove to me you couldn’t live without mine and viola, it’s yours. Same goes for your nipple. What do I need my nipples for? I’ve been looking at these same little nipples for a long time anyway so feel free to give them a test drive and see if you want an upgrade. I could use a blank slate at the moment.

There, I’ve done it. Wow. Some intense emotions are building up in me right now. I’ll tell you, there is nothing as satisfying as giving the gift of life. It’s better than that packet of anklet socks I got for Christmas even. They say giving is better than receiving but I always thought that was a crock of bull, but now I’m seeing things differently. I’d say they are about even in my mind now (note: condition only applies when life is on the line).

So I guess I’ll be starting a list, but I don’t want to compete with that “other” list so I’m not going to publicize it too much. Plus, the media might make me out to be a hero or something and that is not what I’m after. (A few press clippings for my scrapbook wouldn’t hurt though.)

I’m sensing there might be some questions regarding my gracious offer, so fire away. And no, I don’t consider my charming good looks or my “junk” vestigial organs no matter how little they are being used right now.

I can’t believe I have to write this. There are just certain things you don’t expect yourself having to defend. For instance, I doubt I’ll ever have to write a post entitled “In Defense of Mother Theresa” or “In Defense of the Xbox.”

Unfortunately, every so often someone with a dominant “Grinch” gene comes along to attack that which we all hold most dear. Let’s face it, aside from the part about the bulk quantity of “air freshener” he possesses, there was very little accuracy in Dave’s post about Costco .

Please consider the following:

• To be fair, I agree with him on the whole membership idea. Why should I have to pay for the right to be your customer? Costco sticks us with a cover charge without providing any live music or karaoke. The only way I could look past this whole membership thing is if everyone had to wear a “Members Only” jacket to get into the store. At least this way it would feel like it was 1985 again.
• Three words: Champion Duffle Bag.
• Costco sells all kinds of magical products that up until now only existed in the make-believe world in my imagination. Things like a double pack of cereal containing both regular and Honey Nut Cheerios. I challenge you to find that item in any other store in the universe. It’s only available in the fantasy world of Costco. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if Costco also sold unicorns and Leprechauns.
• The pizza slice for $1.99. Admittedly, it’s not Sbarro quality, but it’s still foldable with ample cheese and pepperoni and it usually has a reservoir of grease sitting on top of each slice. These are the things I look for when making a pizza purchase.
• Outside of school cafeterias, who else gainfully employs more old ladies in hairnets?
• I like how there’s no customer service. I seriously do. Don’t even try and ask someone for help, because there’s nobody around. You’re on your own. Figure it out. I’m sick of how all these other stores try to coddle their customers by greeting them, answering their questions and assisting them with their purchases. The Costco system keeps out all those high-maintenance and emotionally needy customers other stores cater to.
• Finally, here’s a partial listing of the many diverse items I’ve purchased at Costco in the last year: 32 inch Panasonic Television, my second wedding band, the faucets currently in use at the Zillionaire’s Lounge, our dual Sonicaires, ski goggles, and enough frozen buffalo wings to sustain an army of Zillionaires.

  That’s just scratching the surface, you can also get your home loan through Costco, and book a vacation, and get photos developed, and get warehouse pricing on a mail-order bride (they sell them in two-packs). I’m telling you, they’ve got everything.

Take hold of something solid, stand under a doorway, or crawl into your bomb-shelter because I’m about to send some shock-waves through suburbia. Right here, right now, I’m going to drop the first negative review on Zillionaire. Bizzomb. Cue the explosion noise. Light the pyro. Slap on the warning labels.

You might be asking yourself, “What has got this Zillionaire so keyed up?” Well, in the immediate sense that would be the two whiskies I had on my lunch break today. In the long run though, it is places like Costco that are driving me insane and I normally have a high tolerance level for sanity.

First off, the “members only” concept is a little too PGA, pre-Tiger Woods for me. Exclusivity is fine for some things like art and Beanie Babies (Hoot the Owl is retired, folks!), but I’m not going to plunk down a membership fee to get 40 hot dog buns in one bag. In fact, if I ever need 40 hot dog buns in one bag I would hope that I would be too poor to buy them all at once or that I was too rich to even shop for myself. (In case you are playing along at home, I’d take the extreme in either direction, it’s just that middle ground where I need 40 buns in one bag that I don’t want.)

You know, I don’t just mention hot dogs casually here when talking about Costco and membership fees. Hot dog sales are the dirty secret the Costco executives don’t want you to know about. Seriously, they must be laced with something, right? How else can you explain the scenario I saw last time I visited Costco… I literally walked by a table with four women over 70 years old, all wearing semi-fancy older lady apparel with that gaudy gold jewelry that only elderly women pull off, chowing down on some foot-longs or something. It was like I was in the Twilight Zone. These women had obviously been drugged or misled to think they were eating something from Olive Garden judging from the way they smiled and chatted about false teeth. Wake up, America! Where else but Costco do people pay membership dues to eat a lackluster boiled hot dog in a warehouse? Not the usual recipe for success in my opinion. Sounds more like prison to me and last I remember, I chose to let my membership at Folsom expire!

But, alas, I’m a Zillionaire so I appreciate and value a place that strives to provide the right ambiance. And Costco’s is nothing but wrong. Let’s start with deli area. The interior designers at Costco sure did find a cushy job. “Heap some boxes there. Stacks some videos over here. No, these tables in the deli area certainly won’t do. Wait, put some umbrellas on them and they’ll be perfect!” Why are there umbrellas on the tables in the deli area! We are indoors. It will never rain, never will a gust of wind need to be diverted, never will a flake of snow wreak havoc on our heads! Are they shading us from the roof lighting? I guess it does feel nice to get out of the glow of halogen once in awhile, but I think people are so hopped up on tainted dog juice that they actually come to believe they are on a tropical island somewhere eating bar-b-q and sipping a Mai Tai.

So lastly, I’ve come to the whole concept of warehouse shopping. Costco saves a little money on the construction of a nice retail outlet, the story goes, so that they can pass on the savings to us consumers. So how come I see the same prices next door at Office-MaxCityDepot? My local Costco is such a dumpy yurt of a place I should be walking out of there with my hands full having only spent the change that builds up in my car’s cup-holder! They stopped passing on the savings a long time ago and now they just pass gas and tell you it’s air-freshener. I, for one, already make what some consider a bulk amount of air-freshener and don’t fall for the Costco sham any longer. I suggest you do the same.

Update: As this piece has morphed (via the comments section) into a discussion of the milestones in my life that have included hot dogs, I’ve decided to post an actual picture that appeared in the Western campus newspaper months ago. Apparently, it was a slow news day. Solo, check the gear!

While everyone else in the country was busy today celebrating Groundhog’s Day, an important milestone almost went unnoticed. Sadly, it’s not the first time we’ve been upstaged by a trained rodent. In case you didn’t know, today marks the one year anniversary of the launch of InternetZillionaire.com.

Our mission was simple: Present the world with a new way to kill time at work. Competition was tough at first, as people clung to their traditions of building rubber band balls and creating massive chains of paper clips. Gradually, people began to find that reading about save the date cards can be just as rewarding as photocopying their butt on the Xerox machine.

Anyway, I thought I’d use this space to share a little about our readership over the past year. Dave installed some tracking software to monitor the visits our site receives. The following are actual statistics about visits from other countries.

Here’s the top five:

1. Canada (282): When you factor in the exchange rate, our zillions are worth ba-zillions up North…

2. Bahrain (103): I couldn’t find Bahrain on a map if my life depended on it. After this many hits though, I think I owe it to them to buy an atlas.

3. Germany (65): This is even more astounding considering we have zero references to David Hasselhoff on our site.

4. United Kingdom (60): I feel honored to give something back to the country that gave us Def Leppard.

5. Bulgaria (56): This isn’t a surprise. Dave and I are like rock stars in Bulgaria.

As you might expect, not everyone came to our site intentionally. Many visits came via a search engine. Here are some actual words and phrases that people typed into Internet search engines that ultimately led them to Zillionaire:

Christbox (2): I’m sure there was a smattering of evangelical Christians disappointed when they found that “Christbox” is our newly adopted slang for an “XBox.”

Maleah McPherson (8): Seriously, Maleah… can you explain this? There are a lot of people googling you.

Eddie Van Halen Capri Pants (2): Actually, my beef was with Sammy Haggar’s Capri pants, but you get the idea.

Celebrity hit in the groin (4): See, I told you there was a huge market for this.

Camo Cumberbun (2): No tuxedo is complete without one…

Tango Neutralized (9): This proves there are other grown men out there speaking in an esoteric language rivaling the nerdiness of Klingon.

What will 2005 hold? Well I don’t want to give anything away, but you can expect to hear about my Sonicaire toothbrush at some point. And possibly some thoughts on remote controls. I might even tell you about the time I saw Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) at a comedy club.

So stay tuned. And thanks to all the readers that have visited Zillionaire in the past year, and especially those who have commented. We’ve had fun killing time together…