Are your co-workers tired of you coming in to work bruised and bashed, reeking of human soap, dripping a trail of blood like a some sort of emergency room Hansel and Gretel? Maybe it’s time to quit that fight club you started awhile back and join a real club. The Zillionaire’s club. Because as everyone knows a club based on a movie is so Matrix, but a club based on a blog is so Lord of the Rings. And besides that, it’s easy.
The first step to joining the Zillionaire’s club is learning the greeting. Let me explain…
One day when I was out grocery shopping, I watched an encounter between two men who were obvious acquaintances, but who hadn’t been in one another’s company for some time. Gloriously, the first man shouted to the other from across three checkout lanes, “How goes the battle?” The other man replied with an average, “Fine… And yourself?” This, to me, seemed like a completely wasted opportunity on the second man’s behalf. How often does one get to relate the quills and arrows of life’s epic struggle to a fellow soldier? How often do the troops of the everyday war gather round the campfire of commonhood to share the pains of our earthly existence? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Not often enough I say.
And so on that fateful day, “How goes the battle?” became the official greeting of all Zillionaires. Its versatility is amazing, just think of all the possibilities…
At the grocery store:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The troops are hungry and restless. They’ve sent me here to gather supplies for the coming apocalypse.”
At the bank or credit union:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The enemy has raided our forts and stole all the bullion. The Major has sent me here to see if we have enough left to get the grunts some new socks.”
At the movies:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “We’ll, the Colonel’s off in Mogadishu and he’s asked me to make sure this thing doesn’t turn into the next Vietnam. He’s hidden a secret code in this movie here, which gives me the coordinates of my next special ops mission.”
At a party:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “Our numbers are dwindling fast. I’m here to enlist as many recruits as possible. It’s gonna be a long cold winter in Delaware, people.”
Now that is a greeting fit for a zillionaire!