Internet Zillionaire

Are your co-workers tired of you coming in to work bruised and bashed, reeking of human soap, dripping a trail of blood like a some sort of emergency room Hansel and Gretel? Maybe it’s time to quit that fight club you started awhile back and join a real club. The Zillionaire’s club. Because as everyone knows a club based on a movie is so Matrix, but a club based on a blog is so Lord of the Rings. And besides that, it’s easy.

The first step to joining the Zillionaire’s club is learning the greeting. Let me explain…

One day when I was out grocery shopping, I watched an encounter between two men who were obvious acquaintances, but who hadn’t been in one another’s company for some time. Gloriously, the first man shouted to the other from across three checkout lanes, “How goes the battle?” The other man replied with an average, “Fine… And yourself?” This, to me, seemed like a completely wasted opportunity on the second man’s behalf. How often does one get to relate the quills and arrows of life’s epic struggle to a fellow soldier? How often do the troops of the everyday war gather round the campfire of commonhood to share the pains of our earthly existence? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Not often enough I say.

And so on that fateful day, “How goes the battle?” became the official greeting of all Zillionaires. Its versatility is amazing, just think of all the possibilities…

At the grocery store:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The troops are hungry and restless. They’ve sent me here to gather supplies for the coming apocalypse.”

At the bank or credit union:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The enemy has raided our forts and stole all the bullion. The Major has sent me here to see if we have enough left to get the grunts some new socks.”

At the movies:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “We’ll, the Colonel’s off in Mogadishu and he’s asked me to make sure this thing doesn’t turn into the next Vietnam. He’s hidden a secret code in this movie here, which gives me the coordinates of my next special ops mission.”

At a party:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “Our numbers are dwindling fast. I’m here to enlist as many recruits as possible. It’s gonna be a long cold winter in Delaware, people.”

Now that is a greeting fit for a zillionaire!

Have you ever wondered about the daily life of the world’s most rich and powerful? How much belly-button lint does Donald Trump’s navel collect? Does Oprah wash her hands after using the lavatory? What is Bill Gates’ screen name on Xbox Live? (Answer: HeadCheeze) The super rich have long been a mysterious clan of movers and shakers, but their world is about to be moved and shaken (not stirred).

Yes, the rumbling you just felt in your gut was not an earthquake, though its source will shift the course of humanity in profound and prolific ways. What you just felt were the doors of secrecy being blown open! Introducing INTERNETZILLIONAIRE.COM! Finally, the publishing medium of the masses has fallen into the hands of the filthy rich!

Be warned, however, humble reader of meager means, for the life of an internet zillionaire is one very much like your own. It is our zeal for the mundane which made us zillions (we invented the mouse pad, for example), so it is that which we want to share with you. Most posts will be humorous, but not all will be happy (turns out money can’t buy happiness which is a bummer). Some entries will be entirely devoid of humor, although not intentionally. Others will be only slightly humorous, which again is not our intention. We want to be funny, but if it were that easy, we’d bottle it and be zillionaires by now, which pretty much puts us back at square one, doesn’t it?