FW: Zillionaire’s Tips for Office Email!!!

Email is quickly becoming today’s primary means of communication, replacing the telegram, the gramophone, the harpsichord, and the passenger pigeon combined. Urgent messages that used to take days, now come instantly (unless you are on hotmail).

As zillionaires entrenched in the electronic revolution, we’ve had access to email for quite a few weeks now and have learned a few things. Our advice will be useful to those of you who reside in the famed “cubicle farms” that are growing such beautiful cubicles these days. These tips will give you that leg up in the world where being just one leg higher means all the difference.

Tips for Office Emailing:

  • Always get the last email. Email is a lot like a gun-fight in the old west where the last one standing gets to ride the train with Doc back to the future.
  • Don’t let anyone waste your time with one-word emails. If your coworker sends you one of those worthless messages that says “Thanks” reply with an over-the-top introspective “Well it is certainly is nice to be appreciated. Thanks for the pat on the back. I’ve been wondering if all this work is really worth it, ya know? We’re all just gonna die in the end and some days it feels like what I do doesn’t matter to anyone. But I guess it does. You want to hang out, or get together this weekend? I’m free pretty much anytime.” That should hush them up real fast.
  • Mark every message you send with the urgent flag, no matter the content. A bold, animated, red flag next to your email subject line lets your coworkers know how critical your “FW: Find your true soulmate quiz” really is.
  • Botch every attachment you mean to send. Start your email with “Attached you will find…” and include no attachment. Don’t worry, they won’t even look for it until they see the next email thats subject line is “Oops… here it is.” Sure, you may be more email savvy than others, but you don’t want to stick out. Those who stick their necks out usually have them lopped off by an errant Koosh ball being whizzed across the “cube farm.” Sometimes, its best to refer to a phantom attachment that never appears. The resulting office confusion reduces the amount of work people expect from you.
  • When a coworker gets frustrated over an unfulfilled request for a specific file, offer the standard postal excuses for your lack of emailing. For example, admit that you forgot to affix the proper postage, or that inclement weather is slowing down the mail service. Or simply say you sent it two days ago, and advise them to be available to sign for it on arrival.
  • Meticulously log, backup, and categorize every email sent through your address. You never know when you’ll be asked to graph the price trends of black-market Viagra.
  • Create a three strikes and you’re out junk mail blocking rule. A strike against someone could be as simple as a typo in the message, an overly lengthy signature with too many types of communication listed, or a crazy colorful font that trumps your cool and collected black Arial 10 point font. It is imperative that you keep your inbox streamlined after all.
  • If the email server is down, resort to the most primitive methods of communication: cave drawings. Granted, this can be a difficult way to convey certain abstract and highly technical ideas. However, it will be an easy way to depict the outcome of a big buffalo hunt.
  • If someone complains that they want clarification over an email you just sent, refer their question to your organization’s customer support line.
  • Use subject lines that have nothing to do with the subject you’re emailing about. Write something like “FW: This is really funny!!!” when discussing the annual financial statements.

By following these guidelines, we think you’ll be rewarded with a cleaner inbox, less work to do, and few friends around the office. And after all, isn’t that the key to success?

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