Your Tax Dollars At Work

My parents officially retired a few weeks ago, and I thought I would commemorate the event with a few posts about their former professions. Last week I lampooned my mom’s career. Now it’s my dad’s turn…

Former Occupation: Manager of warehouse/receiving facility at a local university.

Note the occupation above. This makes him a state employee. Hence, the title of this post: Your Tax Dollars At Work. Believe me, after finishing this post you’ll have plenty of reasons to write your congressman.

The Internet: My dad actually accomplished something pretty amazing a few weeks ago, as I really had no idea you could retire from surfing the Internet all day. To be fair, that’s not all that his day consisted of…

The Forwards: Have you ever wondered where all the forwards clogging your inbox actually originated from? My dad’s computer is ground zero. He’ll send out anything… just a few weeks ago (true story) he sent me a series of pictures capturing a guy attempting to shoot a firecracker from between his butt cheeks. Again, your tax dollars at work.

The Notebooks: Using the Internet and an ungodly amount of time on his hands, my dad meticulously researched products before getting locked into a contract or making major purchase. Have you ever seen a 400-page notebook comparing the features of cable television versus a satellite dish? What about a binder containing analysis of every cell phone plan in existence? Of course, by the time these notebooks are actually complete, the technology he’s looking to purchase is obsolete.

Emailing: His personal emails are much like his comments on this site: Contrite, no punctuation, all letters capitalized. Essentially, my father types as if he has purchased a classified ad and is paying by the character.

The Coffee Drinking: Sadly, my father is also retiring from sitting around and drinking coffee all day. His coffee consumption has been well documented on this site. Now picture a scenario where the coffee was supplied free of charge, in unlimited quantities, and he was being paid to drink it. In other words, this was his definition of a dream job.

Lunch: My dad walked away from a job that provided him with the luxury of going home for lunch everyday. Of course, he eats his lunch on the car ride home, so that his entire lunch hour can be devoted to taking a nap. You see, a full day of surfing the Internet, sending out a ridiculous amount of forwards, and drinking 2 or 3 pots of coffee really takes a lot out of you. Yes, he’ll be tough to replace. Because, despite all of this, he’s still considered highly productive by state employee standards.

Plans For Retirement: Watch the Godfather trilogy. That’s it. This is no exaggeration. My father has worked a lifetime with the hope that he could one day watch three movies in succession. Evidently, I’m pretty sure my dad expects his golden years to last about nine hours.

The Van, My Dad, or Both?: Finally, the only thing truly in need of retirement at my parents’ house is their ’89 Dodge Caravan. This vehicle is an eyesore, with the performance to match. It currently has a blue-book value of $45, and that includes the $30 worth of gas in the tank. If you need further proof that the van is ready to be retired, read the following statements and try and determine whether I’m referring to the van, my dad, or both?

1. Has a spare tire…
2. Is old and gray…
3. Performance is sometimes sluggish due to bad gas…
4. Is no longer insurable…
5. Often blows a gasket on long family car trips…
6. Not cool to be seen in public with…
7. Has dead insects stuck in grill…
8. Leaks fluids overnight….
9. Is developing a musty aroma…
10. Is prone to backfiring…
11. Is not compatible with modern electronics…
12. Questionable as to whether it can reach 60…
13. Has an ample seat cushion…
14. If left on the street corner, neighbors would likely complain…
15. Requires an annual inspection of the tailpipe…
16. Needs major body work…
17. Will likely be abandoned on side of road someday…
18. Would likely fail an emissions test…

So there it is, best of luck and congratulations to my parents on their early retirement…

8 thoughts on “Your Tax Dollars At Work”

  1. If Ken had so much time at work to create these notebooks and send out forwards why is it that I’m always in charge of booking his online hotel and air reservations? I don’t get that.

  2. I raise another toast to my favorite professional retired person. Go Ken you have inspired me to retire next year and begin to accumulate a fleet of half broken bicycles.

  3. Well Matt, all I can say is the apple apparently doesn’t fall far from the tree. Aside from the knowledge a good portion of Zillionaire is composed during “billable hours”, I also happen to be privy to various work habits you’ve developed in recent years, courtesy of the very reliable Mrs. Ring. I don’t love you any less for it, but don’t think I didn’t laugh at the irony of all this any less than the actual prose!

  4. Krusty – you should have seen it performed live at their retirement party. He had the crowd of teachers and family members in stitches. He left one off the site though that’s apparently too R rated for Zillionaire. You’ll have to borrow the video to enjoy that one.

  5. Nothing but lies. I’m a very fast worker. Thus, I’ve got more free time than the normal employee. I only send information that can be useful and beneficial to the recipient; if you didn’t receive the butt firecracker pictures, it was probably because you didn’t need it. I felt Matt needed to see it. I hope I look as good and run as well as the van when I turn 112! Van years and dog years are equal.

  6. Hmm… two points:

    1) BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA @ list :D

    2) Sorry if I didn’t understand the first part of the article properly, but did he actually make $$ from the forwarding (ie, paid to spam), or did you just mean that that was all he did all day despite the supposed occupation of warehouse manager?

    Great job on that list :D

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