As you know, I have been the beneficiary of multiple Christmas miracles over the years. Whenever my happiness and physical well being depended on finding a certain toy under the tree on Christmas morning, somehow Santa always delivered.
But this year, I’m a little concerned. The item I desire most this Christmas, the Xbox 360, is impossible to find in the stores. Somewhere in all the excitement of the most important product launch in the company’s history, Microsoft forgot to actually manufacture any consoles. Apparently nobody bothered to schedule that in Outlook. Sadly, a few pop-up reminders might have averted this whole mess. Seriously, can you imagine if Microsoft planned a New Year’s Eve party? There would be a total of four beers for every thousand guests.
Memo to Microsoft: You call this taking over the world!? Pathetic. My little sister could do a better job of world domination.
Maybe if Bill Gates wasn’t spending all his time getting bad haircuts and eradicating polio this wouldn’t happen. (On a side note, I seriously think Bill Gates goes into Great Clips and asks the stylist to make him look like Harry Potter.) Anyway, even if Microsoft were to get their act together, there is probably little that could be done at this point. It’s not like the Xbox 360 is produced in sweatshops… so that ruins any hopes of them pumping out a million units overnight. Yep, we’re all screwed.
And that goes doubly for me. Getting an Xbox 360 under the tree falls on my wife’s shoulders. You’ll understand my concern once you read my interpretation of what goes through her mind on a typical Christmas shopping trip. (I changed the font style accordingly, as women tend to think in italics…)
She wanders into the GAP. Mens’ collared shirts are on sale! And look, there’s a blue-checkered one in his size! I’ll buy him one of those. And look, matching scarves too! Perfect! He’ll look every bit as emasculated as the mannequin in the store!
Next, she heads to a department store. Here’s a good gift, some nice coasters! Granted, we’ve already got some coasters. But maybe if I get him his own set, he’ll be more mindful of actually using them! I should have thought of this when we first moved in together!
Here’s the big Christmas surprise: I already decided to surprise my husband with some ballroom dancing lessons! And coincidentally, all the lessons occur during Gonzaga basketball games or during the likely playoff schedule of the Seahawks. Of course, he balked at this idea earlier, but I’m getting it for him anyway. That’s the surprise!
At this point, my wife pulls my Christmas list from her purse, seemingly to insure that she didn’t accidentally purchase something I actually want:
Carhardt Jacket
Laptop Computer
Bombay Sapphire (That’s right, I put alcohol on my Christmas list. And I don’t care if Jeff Foxworthy would say that doing so might make me a Redneck.)
Dilbert Calendar
Xbox 360
Wait, what’s this? An Xbox 360? Yeah, right. That’s like, twice the cost of ballroom dancing lessons! And there’s no way I’m getting him both!
Finally, ladies… Does this shopping scenario sound familiar? I have a feeling it does. There’s still time to do the right thing. Remember, it’s the season of giving. Give your man what he really wants, not what you want him to have… Put a 360 under the tree.
Well guys, I did my part. And I hope my wife picked up on the many subtle messages I left in this post. My fingers are crossed for yet another Christmas miracle.
I feel your pain in so many ways. I was in a target the other day talking to the nerdy teenager that works the electronics department. They had a 360 on display that you could play. Of course there was about ten thousand seven year olds crowdede around it. I was explaining to Gary (teenage idiot at target)
that these little kids would never buy a 360 and that it was my right to have him kick them aside. Obviously Gary hates his life so he just looked at me blankly while drool slowly fell from his lips.
My wife dosen’t ask for a christmas list at all. She feels the goal is to decide what I want for me. This way it’s more of a suprise. I can’t possibly know what I’m getting. By this logic I never ask for anything because it will surely eliminate it from the list.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for alcohol as a Christmas gift, particularly something like Bombay Sapphire gin that will fit well in a liquor cabinet. In fact, a few years ago I asked for an actual liquor cabinet (and stock for it) for Christmas. I didn’t get it, but I did receive a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Creme. Of course, the Bailey’s didn’t see New Years, as many family members kept stealing “just a bit” to add to the ol’ egg nog.
I guess my point is asking for liquor of reasonable quality for Christmas doesn’t make you a redneck; asking for a twelve pack of Miller High Life does.
You should be ashamed of yourself Mr. Centaur. Never have I even suggested getting you ballroom dancing lessons for Christmas. Yes, I buy you Gap clothes and coasters, but never would I buy you dancing lessons. Mock me for trying to improve your wardrobe and for trying to prevent marks on our coffee table, but don’t mock me for dance lessons that were never even suggested. You already know this is the Christmas of no surprises, just like you like. You submitted a detailed list months ago with instructions not to deviate from the list, so I didn’t. No surprises, no deviations, just as I was instructed.
While Krusty may complain about our system, I never fail to surprise and shock him with his presents. Remember the snowboard from last year? And who can forget the x-box live gift for his birthday (you’re welcome boys)? This year I have an ultra special surprise that I spent only $20 on. My joy is secretly listening into his ramblings (he thinks I never pay attention) and gleen ideads from those subtle hints. Then I sit back and watch him squirm with anticipation. Isn’t that what Christmas is truely all about?
Goodness, it sounds like someone needs to Jeannette from the mundane shopping dictatorship. (Atta boy, Zillionaire!)
If you don’t get your XBox, you may not feel so bad afterall.
http://www.globetechnology.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20051209.gtgaming09/BNStory/AtPlay/
Dear Mrs. Krusty,
Christmas isn’t about being surprised by a Chia pet (that’s the ultra special surprise, I’m sure). Christmas is about getting that toy that you really, really wanted and playing with it all day, barely making time to use the bathroom or eat.
Sincerely yours,
A Nine Year Old Boy In A Twenty Seven Year Old Man’s Body
OFFICIAL MEMORANDUM:
TO: Nerds (Hardcore Gamers)
FROM: The Centaur
RE: 360 Availability
I’ve gotten assurances from a good friend in the XBox PR dept that a second wave of 360’s will be hitting the stores soon, likely this weekend. And also, she mentioned that reports of the 360 having defects, crashing, and containing flesh-eating bacteria are widely overblown. Good to know.
To corroborate this information, a reader emailed me the following link. (Thanks Pete.) This may help you plan your shopping accordingly.
Good luck Zillionaires…
may I ask what happened to the captive lioness.
He seems to have dropped off the face of the internet where we all know he totally lives. What’s up?
Well? Was there a Christmas miracle this year? I need to know….
As you might have guessed, there wasn’t a 360 under my tree.
Sadly, my streak of consecutive Christmases with at least one form of miracle ends at 14.
Hopefully, I can start a new streak next year…