November 21st, 2005

A Love Triangle

by The Centaur

It didn’t go well. My Xbox is in another room right now, sobbing. The old adage is true: Breaking up is hard to do.

I put it off as long as I could. When I first laid eyes on the 360, it was really love at first sight. But a lot of guys felt that way about her. The 360 was sleek and beautiful… and completely out of my league. There were so many other dudes vying for her attention in WalMart that day, I figured I didn’t have a chance.

But I rolled the dice, and brushed my way past the 14 year-olds ogling the more superficial features of the 360. I complimented the 360 on her processor, and her hard drive, and made it clear I was interested in her mind as well as her console. They say that video game systems can’t resist a man with confidence, and it was certainly true in this instance.

The 360 and I had so much in common, and we hit it off immediately. There was a palpable electricity running through us, although mine was more metaphorical in nature. Ultimately, we decided to be more than friends. However, before we could begin a hopefully long-term relationship, we both agreed I needed to break things off with the Xbox.

Like most men, I briefly fantasized with the notion of how great it would be to play with two video game systems at once. Of course, I doubt either system would be cool with that arrangement. Sometimes you hear about the exploits of hardcore gamers, and the mind wanders a little. Ultimately though, I think these things are best left to the imagination.

Anyway, last night, the Xbox and I had The Talk. While it was certainly painful, it was better than having the Xbox stumble across the 360 and I sneaking around behind her back to spend an intimate evening together. That would have been awkward for everyone.

It’s just too bad it had to end this way. I always thought that only a fried motherboard could possibly derail our relationship. My Xbox and I sure had some good times. Like when we beat Halo on the “legendary” setting. To this day, this achievement continues to impress prospective employers in job interviews. Together, we battled terrorists, aliens, and super-villains. We literally saved the universe hundreds of times. I told the Xbox we could still be friends, and I meant it.

But it’s time to move on. While the 360 is certainly capable of playing the old Xbox games, I think it might be a little disrespectful for me do so. I don’t want the 360 to think I’m harboring any feelings for the Xbox. For that reason, I’m also going to take down all the pictures of the Xbox and I on display in my living room. I want the 360 to know I’m committed to this relationship.

16 Responses to “A Love Triangle”

The Centaur
11/21/2005

One other note: My (pregnant) wife has the day off, and it will be spent battling hordes of geeks trying to claim an Xbox 360 on its official launch date. I told her to use lethal force if necessary.

Granted, I won’t actually get to play with the 360 until Christmas… But I’ll be at ease knowing that it is safe under the tree, where I can stand guard over it 24/7.

Peteosaurus
11/22/2005

A note to JR, if you strike out today they are going for about $1,000 on E-bay. Or you could probably work out a nice trade for that fetus……

The Centaur
11/22/2005

Like locusts, the geek hordes swarmed every retailer in Spokane this morning. Fred Meyer, Best Buy… all sold out of 360’s within 4 minutes of opening.

My wife fought them as best she could, but the swarm was overpowering. She left the store without a 360, just thankful to have survived their onslaught.

So, looks like I’ll be without a 360, unless a Christmas miracle occurs in the next month. I knew I should have sent my wife to camp outside Best Buy last night…

Jeannette
11/22/2005

I got there at 8:15, just an hour and 15 minutes after they opened, and I swear I saw tumbleweed blow through the store. I had to hunt down a sales lady to confirm I was even there on the right day. Just for good measure I confirmed that school was in session and most adults usually work on Tuesdays. She informed me they sold out at 7:04 and have been getting calls from all over town from people looking for 360’s ever since. Needless to say I came home with no 360 and was faced with the difficult task of calling the Centaur and breaking the sad news. It’s going to be a sad Christmas in the Ring household (not for me…just for the Centaur…it’ll actually be a little happier for me because now my husband might actually spend 5 minutes with me that day).

Krusty
11/22/2005

Oh MR how dare you end such a storied relationship early. Your xbox should be your best friend and ally until the very last minute. Think of the pleasure of dropping the old controller only to immeadiatley to pick up the new one. From one era to the next in a matter of seconds. I must say I am suprised that you didn’t simply send JNET with a shotgun and dynamite. Surely she could of made them find a floor model that was available. Oh well now you need to go crawling back to your xbox like the worthless cheater you are. I wouldn’t be suprised if the xbox stopped playing in every critical moment in every game.

Gabe
11/22/2005

So I hear that Microsoft cut a bunch of corners on the 360 just in order to get it out before Christmas. They’re talking it up real good but it’s not going to be all that it potentially could have been. Maybe you should just wait and buy a real machine like the PS3 when it comes out in the Spring…

The Centaur
11/22/2005

A real machine like the P.O.S. 3?

Such blasphemy…

Speaking of blasphemy, I’ll have you know that I spent last night crafting a manger scene, depicting the three wise men bestowing gifts of gold, myrrh, and wireless controllers to a 360 nestled in a little bundle of swaddling clothes…

Still holding out for a Christmas miracle…

Chris
11/22/2005

Clearly, you failed to explain the importance of this issue to JNET. 8:15? I don’t think any store in AMERICA had an Xbox 1:15 after opening. I smell a conspiracy.

Bailes
11/22/2005

Well, it’s kind of funny that your wife calls you the Centaur now. I with Gabe on this one… I don’t think that the 360 is going to be as good as it is being hyped up to be. And also, for 400 bones, no thanks, I’ll wait a year and get it for 300, maybe. Good luck my friend, I hope that you get your miracle. Until then, better Griswald it up and get ready for the holidays.

krusty
11/22/2005

Bailes you waited like four years to get the xbox. You have no credibility in this matter. I know you are loving your XBOX over that piece crap playstation you had. I agree with the Centaur only the microsoft fairy can help us now.

Jeannette
11/23/2005

I thought the world was with Bailes on this one. I thought everyone was saying $400, no thanks. Trust me, this was no conspiracy. I really thought I could get one at 8:15.

jon solo
11/23/2005

i’m surprised you didn’t make jeannette camp out the night before. i actually know of only one person who got one. and i don’t even really know him, friend of a friend. the only reason was cause he actually bought it back in april.

The Captive Lion
11/24/2005

The conspiracy theorist in me sees this in a much different light. First off, Centaur, rest assured you have an Xbox 360 waiting for you come Christmas time. It has become clear to me that Jeannette is using this post, her comment, the general mayhem surrounding this product launch (hex168.com) as a smokescreen to lead you to believe she was not able to obtain the coveted prize but in reality it’s tucked away in that basement of yours. She wants to surprise you but didn’t realize that I have a sixth sense regarding secret gifts and presents. Talk to all my ex-es.

Ryan
11/26/2005

I had a coworker who slept outside overnight to be the first in line for the 360.

8AM comes, they hand out tickets to those in line. When all 17 of them get their 360’s, I walk in to pick up a CD (this is about 8:45-ish), see the other 13 unaccounted for 360s and pick one up, feeling completely rested after a cozy night in my own Select Comfort bed (and of course I pointed this out to my groggy, stiff coworker).

So, while the early bird gets the worm, the average bird is really much smarter (and slept in his own bed).

The key: live in a medium-sized town. Big enough to get the shipments but not so big that people swarm the opening day.

Jeannette
11/26/2005

I feel so vindicated after Ryan’s comment. I knew I wasn’t crazy to think I could buy a 360 an hour after they went on sale. Knowing that just 1 person out there succeeded makes me feel so much better. Lion, there’s nothing hiding in the basement. I really don’t have one, but thanks for giving me so much credit.

Ryan
11/26/2005

Great minds, Jeanette. Great minds.

But you’re still up Shit Creek, eh? I’ll let you know if I see anymore here. :)

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