Xbox Live Personality Profiles

As luck would have it, I no longer have to make a trip to the bus station or frequent cockfights to interact with social degenerates.

Thanks to the miracle of Xbox Live, I can have an assortment of wretched personalities beamed right into my living room. Here’s how it works: Whenever the Zillionaire Platoon is short a man, the Xbox Live “matchmaking” service selects an available player from its network to fill out our team. Of course, these members are carefully screened for red flags, like normalcy or general competence, before joining our squad.

The remaining dregs of society will produce our new teammate, usually in the form of one of the characters below:

The Screamer: Are you capable of screaming into your headset, uninterrupted, for an entire ten-minute match? If not, are you willing to at least attempt it? Sadly, this actually happens. Frequently. Of course, if The Screamer’s fingernails were being removed with pliers during game play I would be a little more understanding. But that’s not the case. The unfortunate reality of the situation is that our nation’s mental hospitals are woefully under-populated.

The Racist: What’s the best way to unwind after placing a burning cross in someone’s lawn? Apparently it’s signing onto Xbox Live. Generally, this player assumes every member of the opposing team is of whatever race he happens to hate the most, and he directs his epithets accordingly. As for being a teammate of this individual, we are pretty much left to spend the entire game cringing.

Tourette’s Syndrome: Why bother using the headset for discussing strategy when you can just bark orders and yell random profanity and insults at your teammates? Seriously, I’m asking. That’s what the headset is made for, right? As my teammates can attest, I have a severe case of this affliction… let’s just move on.

Malibu’s Most Wanted: This suburban white kid loves to quote explicit rap lyrics in coordination with each kill. Also, he turns his baseball hat cockeyed and dons a garish chain during game play. (All right, technically I don’t know if that last part is true, but I assume it is.)

The De-Leveler: What’s it called when you’re afraid of success? I’m pretty sure there’s an actual word for it. Whatever it is, the De-Leveler suffers from this condition big time. Inspired by Johnny Knoxville’s character in the movie The Ringer, the De-Leveler aspires to artificially lower his rank so that he’ll be able to dominate inferior competition. Of course, to achieve a dramatic drop in his skill ranking, the De-Leveler needs to sabotage a few games in grandiose fashion. Unfortunately, we usually don’t realize we have a De-Leveler in our midst until he’s aiming a rocket launcher directly at us.

The Tough Guy: Nothing reeks of masculinity more than challenging someone to a fight via an Internet connection. Needless to say, it’s easy to dole out undeliverable threats of vicious ass-kickings to your opponents when you are protected by online anonymity and distanced by thousands of miles. True to his name, The Tough Guy passes out these threats like Halloween candy. The rest of us are left to hope that just once, one of these proposed confrontations actually come to fruition.

The Instant Quitter: Of the entire list, this individual is probably our favorite teammate. Sure, he quits the game instantly, leaving us desperately shorthanded and outgunned. Compared to the alternatives though, we are actually relieved when we wind up only with desertion from our new teammate.

65 thoughts on “Xbox Live Personality Profiles”

  1. As I sit here with my controler in hand I find it amazing that you posted this topic today. Just a few hours ago I was sitting with the proverbial shotgun to my head. I had just finished a match of team slayer with one screamer and two racists. This made for an interesting combo as the screamer made it difficult for the racists to spread their hate. Not to be out done they turned on the screamer and decided he was a hispanic speaking asian who was apparently playing XBOX live while in an african jungle. For once I actually won with teammates like these. I think that the other team was so offended that they actually dropped their controllers. Apparently in the video game power annoyance is second to none as a gameing skill.

    I would like to add a character I have recently come across alot.

    The Poser: The poser is in real life a ten to thirteen year old boy. This obviously is a tough card to be dealt. Rather than accepting his fate and getting dominated with class, the poser decides to fake toughness and experience. As soon as the match begins he chooses to throw out random insults and challenges to opponents and teammates alike. You will always know a poser by his high pitch often cracking voice and the sound of his mom yelling at him in the background. No matter how many times they get beat down or cold cocked they get back up woth more trash talking.

    I actually enjoy playing against the poser because he is fairly entertaining.

    Mostly known in computer gaming you will see this person come into a room with the same name as one of the best gamers in the world. Obviously, he is still newb because he can’t even get the colors or case correct. But it’s funny to listen to some players talk to the imposter and verbally suck him off.

  3. I’ve definitely run across my share of these guys. I want to find a way to capture audio from the Xbox Live system to add sound clips to this post so we can have verbal examples of these guys in action. In my two years of Halo 2 online it seems I’ve run across some other types of gamers as well:

    The Married Guy: This guy tries to make up for his relative dullness by buying expensive home electronics for playing video games and then bragging about them on Xbox Live. “Dude, have you gone Plasma HD Widescreen Xbox360 with the Monster Cables yet? I just dropped four g’s at Best Buy the other day and upgraded and let me tell you it’s sweet!” Oh yeah, well I dropped $150 for my setup and I just sniped your ass.

    The Single (and Lonely) Guy: This guy dropped $150 for his setup and just sniped your ass.

    The Guy With a Girlfriend: This guy is always on at sporadic moments for a sporadic amount of time. I don’t blame him. He has better things to do with his time and it is a blessing when he joins the ranks of us single and married guys.

    The Basstube: This guy is either playing Halo 2 while on stage at a Ludacris concert or the volume of his stereo is up too loud. Truth is, however, he is a simple kill because you can always hear him coming.

    The 5th-Wheel: I despise you secretly sometimes, Mr. 5th-Wheel, because you turn an awesome night of Team Slayer into a lackluster custom-game fest. Two words for you, “Rumble Pit.”

    The Spammer: A relatively new breed to me, the Spammer is all about the invite and messaging capabilities of Xbox Live. You add him to your friendslist unknowingly, but soon you are barraged with announcement after announcement for his all-Needler custom game, clan invites that pile up in your inbox, and daily audio messages where he reads an excerpt from his diary, tells a joke, or simply just whistles for 15 seconds. He is showing signs of losing touch with reality and has given himself over to the virtual.

    The Micless Guest: He can’t communicate with his own team or the opposing force. His screen-name is a generification of a teammates. He is, in my opinion, a soulless, faceless pockmark on humanity and must be eradicated.

    The Friar’s Club Roaster: You meet this guy in the Stats screen after a match. He is the Jeffrey Ross of Xbox Live. He has a comeback, a quip, or a clever insult for everything. He will lose a match and still manage to undress you verbally aferward. He is the very definition of cool in a world that sorely lacks it. You might have heard him go by his other name, The Chizzler.

  4. The Chizzler without a doubt loses alot, but I don’t know about him being cool. More like the drooling side kick of the elite force he often rolls with.

  5. the strong silent type.
    the guy who will completly dominate the other team and even though he has a mic not a word will leave his mouth.

  6. Sadly, I often fit into many of these categories.

    I am a married guy, however, I would like to reclassify that one as “The Working Guy.” You won’t hear me bragging about my setup, and yes I know enough about the controller, tactics and maps to snipe your ass back.

    My wife (hence the married classification) can tell you that I can fit into the Tourette’s Syndrome category. This mostly occurs when I’m modded or my fellow teammates start performing self-mutilation as part of de-leveling or simple team-killing.

    The one that is less prevalent since the last XBL update is “The Mod Artist.” That amazing person who can follow instructions on a website, spend a few dollars on a chip, and inject changes into their game code. This allows them to shoot rockets from an SMG or cause us all to spawn far enough above the ground to die before we hit. Bad actors like this usually cause me to put my Tourette’s hat on sideways become “very frustrated indeed.”

    This is a great attempt at categorization. As time goes on, you’ll probably have enough different people types listed to write a book.

  7. I swear on my copy of Halo 2 that all of these are based on real people I’ve played with or against.

    The Lee Harvey Oswald: This guy is only good at sniping and will insist you leave it for him if you run by it, give it to him if you have it, or guard him if he has it. I liken him to the guy who brings his own pool cue to a pool hall. I can just picture him opening up a sleek, black case, assembling his sniper rifle slowly and meticulously, then patiently waiting for enemies to come into his field of vision. He makes a better hitman than a teammate, however.

    The American Idol: This guy is confused. The second he dons his Xbox headset, his brain tells him he is in the shower … alone… with good acoustics. So naturally he proceeds to sing his heart out to the theme song from Titanic forgetting that his teammates are not nearly as kind as Simon Cowell.

    The Last-Second Homophobe: This guy seems normal until the absolute very last second before a match ends when he looks deep into his crystal ball that tells him the truth of all things and it reveals one last parting thought that he must share with us all because it could very well change the course of our whole lives and we’ve been living in denial all along! You see, I’m gay! And I have xxdragonwenierxx329 to thank for finally telling me.

  8. The Nerd: This beloved little kid is usually an extremly high level, with a squeaky voice, and the false belief that he’s “cool” because he can play a video game. Not only is it never his fault he lost, but everyone else on his team is always a “noob” and he will “pwn” them if only this was “Slayer.” Even worse than this, he thinks everyone cares that he’s a 42 on his other account.

  9. Bandit should just reclassify his to be a little more specific as in:

    The “My Other Account is a Level 42” Pathological Liar: This guy’s in-game skills are pathetic. But, as curious as it sounds, instead of devoting more time to learning the maps or perfecting his timing, he spends days on end crafting an imaginary persona that he then advances through an imaginary level system. This figment of his imagination battles through level after level and eventually plateaus at Level 42. Now at this point, it suddenly becomes too much of a burden for our pathological liar to imagine another round of imaginary Rumble Pit on Lockout so he goes back to playing online versus real opponents and loses miserably. But I warn you reader, for if you gaze into the mind of this madman you might just be transported to that other world where, as he says, his other account is a level 42…. Mmmmwhaaa haaa haa!

  10. I fit into a couple of the categories, most notably the Tourette’s and Married guy. Although I don’t need to talk about my fairly sweet setup, there’s plenty of excitement in my life outside of Xbox Live. And most of my talk is either strategy or humor…and rarely devolves into random cursing.

    I love playing against the racist and homophobes out there who actually leave a second or two of silence for me to mock them back. I usually don’t hear much after that. The really dumb ones, however, just get louder. Then I get to mute them.

    I would like to introduce THE GANGSTER. This speaks in a manner similar to the poser, but they sound like they may actually be African-American. Their words are random and unintelligible, and sometimes they also hit on “The Basstube” classification, blaring their brand of hippity-hop music all up in my headset. They’re best muted right away.

    I would also like to introduce a (usually) positive one: THE COLLEGE GUY. These guys are usually “the lonely single guy” but occasionally (like in my case) can be the married guy, and even more commonly, the “Tourette’s” guy. They tend to be good at teamwork and humor, and can be counted on for 4am playtimes. Occasionally, certain “College Guys” can be the same horrible person you usually meet in matchmaking, but most of the time, you’ll want to send a friend request.

  11. there is also the “If I die it’s someone elses fault” player. He is usually moderate – good of a player, but, if you play him in one match and get a kill, he’ll instanly acuse you of modding or other forms of cheating. If it’s 10-1 and he won he’ll probably get upset at that one kill.

    One of my favorites, “I mod for fun, not fame” guy. These guy’s are usually not on XBL but Xlink or XBC. They mod for other people’s enjoyment in customs, and dont care if they get banned from matchmaking, since they dont want to play it and ruin other’s Live experience. If you find them on XBLive, they most likely wont have too advanced mod, or if they are they didnt make it themselves. They will take insults from many players, about how it is cheating, but they dont care, for it is in a custom game.

    I am this classification, but only play XBC or XLink, in specified modding servers.

  12. the whiner: he’s the one who always says 30 seconds into a match, “alright guys, lets start playing as a team now.” everyone immediately sighs and continues playing in the same manor. he’s also the guy who complains about the type of game being played also. if it’s nothing but team slayer, you’ll hear constant wining on how stupid objective games are throughout the round, again, everyone sighs, and continues in the same manor.

    The random grenade thrower: he’s the one who has no skills at firing any weapon at the heads of enemies therefore reverting back to an all out grenade war taking out half his team in the process.

    The I’m Into Marijuana Guy: okay, this guy dumbfounds me the most. is it that important to name your xbox live account after your drug use? or is “krondon 4000” and “Sourdiesel_7” really your name.

    and my favorite.

    The Bitch: he’s the one who always blames his teammates for their loss. then in the stat room afterwards he points out how many headshots he got, what his assists looked like, how many deaths he didn’t have. but most off, he brings up how high his hit percentage was.

  13. The guy I hate the most is the faker. I have only encountered this personality type maybe twice. He goes to a rated matchmaking game and completely sucks or so you think. Then he challenges you to a 2v2 or a 1v1 and you play him for any easy win you can brag about to your friends. So you join his game and he embarrasses you 50 to 13. It is only after that you realize he is a level 37 and never leaves home.

  14. I am the random grenade thrower and proud of it. Here are a couple of other XBL plagues I suffer from:

    The Complainer:
    This is the guy who complains, plain and simple. This usually involves complaints about lag, modding, or how the players on the opposite team have shields in a game of SWAT, and even that the only reason (insert name here) is so good is because he/she uses the n00b combo. This player will challenge you to a Human Weapons Only match immediatly afterwards.

    Suicide grenader:
    Cant use any weapons and will spam you with insults because he just stuck you with a sticky when you sworded him.

  15. Honorary Mentions: There is a few profiles i’ve encountered enough to post it here:

    ‘Stewie Griffin’: Yes i said it, and when you encounter this person you’ll understand. Every word this player says, is done with a perfectly terrible impression from the popular show. You can expect to hear such comedic gems like; “Blast!”, “I Shall kill you!”, “You must bow to me!” after every kill, death, round, bathroom break, etc.. And it’s not once or twice, it’s the entire time. Enjoy.

    Post-game excuse maker: Much like the homophobe mentioned above, this player keeps quiet most (if not all) of the match, causing you to believe they’re actually a good person that could be fun to game with. Then comes the scoreboard. “Man my lag went through the roof, and i couldn’t kill anyone!” “Who was the host, get a faster connection!” “I was nailing those shots, but lag caused me to miss” “Since when can the warthog shoot through walls?” .. what humors me the most, is how everyone KNOWS that all lag issues they’re facing is definately not on their end. They got their router for $10 at K-Mart, and damn it they’ve never had problems before.. except that last game.. and possibly the one before that. Nevertheless, these people are always good for a laugh, much unlike the ‘Stewie Griffins’ that make you rather play without sound than deal with idiotic quotes.

    Wyatt Earp

  16. I have to admit I’m a random grenader. Sometimes I’ll just be running, look up and throw a grenade. I’m also a suicide grenader if I have plasmas.

  17. “The Lee Harvey Oswald: This guy is only good at sniping and will insist you leave it for him if you run by it, give it to him if you have it, or guard him if he has it. I liken him to the guy who brings his own pool cue to a pool hall. I can just picture him opening up a sleek, black case, assembling his sniper rifle slowly and meticulously, then patiently waiting for enemies to come into his field of vision. He makes a better hitman than a teammate, however.”

    Thats me alright, Im a nice guy, and will try and let others play with the stick, but if we start loosing I may just need to take that stick back. Heres one…

    Blind People Driving On Brail:
    Im sure for the most part everyone can drive a Ghost or a Banshee blind folded. But when it comes to driving the Warthog with a gunner in hand or a buddy on the side.. for the life of them they have no idea what to do. They fly past lightly armored enemies, drive you to the front of the base, and stop dead in thier tracks to get shot by sniper fire. YOU’d THINK this would happen that often but some people still cease to impress me.

  18. I have to say I suffer from a few of the things here. I personally try to rally the team on occasion, but I don’t run it into the ground since after the first sentance comes out of my mouth I notice that if I have to say it at all the other team is full of tourretes patients and homophobes. I also am constantly complaining about power weapons and the combo. I try to keep my mouth shot but after being dominated the entire round because the other team got all the good weapons it is kinda agitating. As for my addition to the lexicon

    The ninja
    This guy covets the active camo like it was the answer to every quesiton and crouch walks everywhere he goes no matter how many times he gets caught out in the open by a bullet to the head. He claims that he literally wrote the book on sneakery and is sure that his tactics are worlds more complex then “press down on the control stick”

  19. another profile:

    The fighter pilot:
    This player simply flies around in the Banshee the whole time, pretending he is in the cockpit of a fighter jet. Shouts things such as: “SAM incoming!” “He’s right on my tail!” “Eject eject eject!” and so on and so forth. Often gets less than 10 kills and more than 10 deaths. Somewhat rare, but you can tell when you have one when he calls in for “ground support on enemy SAM site.” Especially annoying in pairs.

  20. The Glitcher:
    This is the guy who has grown tired of matchmaking, but cannot seem to get into modding, you can ask him every superjump you have heard of and he will bring you to that map and show you that one and 4 more. He can show you every trick in the book, but you can still beat him in every gametype.

    I myself am a…

    I can pull off just about any superjump or glitch, after I am reminded of where it is…

  21. The New-to-the-360-er
    This guy is the one who played quite a bit on the Xbox, and has got some decent skills. He’s now migrated to a 360, so his aim is rather dismal. He catches you in a bad situation, but then proceeds to open up a clip at you, possibly clipping your left ear with a burst. You then SMG him to death.

  22. The New-to-the-360-er
    This guy is the one who played quite a bit on the Xbox, and has got some decent skills. He’s now migrated to a 360, so his aim is rather dismal. He catches you in a bad situation, but then proceeds to open up a clip at you, possibly clipping your left ear with a burst. You then SMG him to death.

    that is me dead on ever since i got my 360 i havnt been able to hit above 60%

  23. The Burn-out:
    This guy is a combination of Poser, MarijuanaGuy, and Complainer. Usually found in team matches with other Burn-out friends, they make a nice warm up match as they typically end up getting destroyed 50-6 or some ridiculous landslide amount. They then proceed to tell you about exactly how high and/or drunk they are, and would have, like, totally wrecked you if they weren’t trippin’ so hard, dude. Sometimes associated with the CollegeGuy, but with heavy suggestions of tie-dye and failure.

    Usually a male between the ages of 8 and 12, the UNDERAGE CHILD sports an incredibly high pitched (feminine)voice, which he will use quite often to rattle off prepackaged derogatory names and insults that he aquired from the other boys on the playground (‘retard’), his older brother’s friends (‘fagg’), or his raging drunken stepfather who came home to no dinner on the table (‘bitch’). About 75% of these gamers have thick, southern accents, whilst only around 25% of them are acually from the south. The other 25% are a mix between ‘Tony Sopranos’ and lonely ‘Ralph Wiggum’-types. Selfish, me-first gamers, they rarely listen to reason, and only will acknowlege your requests for quite by talking louder. It is a little known fact that many of these poor souls, in order to get thier parents to buy Halo 2 (a mature rated game) they had to agree to the term and conditions stated by the XBLUAGA (XBox Live UnderAge Gamers Association), which requires castration immediatley prior to the purchase of a Headset.

    The gamer who plays Halo 2 with a slow inconsistent connection, through a secondhand router, while downloading porn. His lag bar never turns green, it stays yellow and red. Yet somehow, through an unholy coincience, manages to slow down the entire game, full of people who have no lag. Because of his awful connection, his character skips and darts all over the place, making him impossible to hit, but it suits him just fine, and he often racks up kills on his demoralized foes, who cry out ‘this is bullshit’ or ‘whahdahFUHCK Hacker asshole’ and leave feedback labeling him a cheater. Nay, he does not cheat, he is only dragging you down to his level and beating you with experience. He can be seen walking directly into walls for 10 solid seconds, while unwitting gamers chuckle as they unload an entire clip into him to no effect. Only then do they realize that that its not really him, just where he was 20 seconds ago, and he his really right behind you…

    The Gamer who has played so many hours videogames in his lifetime that he has developed what can only be described as the “GAMEFACE”, where you blink once every 2 minutes, collect a deep pool of unswallowed saliva in him mouth, and most importantly, hang your jaw wide open and breathe in long, loud, asthmatic gasps. This guy is such a veteran, his brain has developed a seperate mode where he tunes out all unessesary sound and motor functions that do not pertain to raising his ranking or no-scoping that noob climbing up to his sniper’s nest. The result sounds like a gastric fiesta taking place in front of the worlds largest fan, and although it is EXTREMELY DISTRACTING and OBVIOUS that its coming from his mic, he will take great exception to any accusations of noise smap and will refuse to turn down his microphone.

    Also a commonly found specimine in ocunterstrike, the one will make unwanted recommendations of tactics, weapons selection, and pathways to the objective as often as possible. Often citing his nonexistant navy SEAL training inurban warfare, he would reccomend the whole team to charge across open ground with shotguns to take out the nest of snipers and battle rifles dug in a good 30 seconds away, citing that ‘they wont expect *that*’. To this day, he doesnt realize the element of surprise is much more diffucult ot achieve in a VIDEO GAME. Or, he would develop rediculous complex strategies that would neer work, usually involving everyone having a role of ‘driving him here’ or ‘protecting him there’ and he ends up the hero. But it takes too long to explain it and, before he can get out his ingenious plan, his his killed and calls for everyone to ‘start over’. The best times that can be had with him is when hes running in a group of teamates and gets the wild idea to change direction, screaming “break right!” and running down an alley by himself into a web of enemies. The mighty general then whines to his teammates: “what the hell guys you all suck and didnt cover me noob fag lamers”, and everyone get a good laugh in.

  28. The Mumbler:
    While an amusing addition to any team, the Mumbler is possibly one of the most massive wastes of human tissue in existence. Turning his mircrophone down and keeping it away from his mouth (possibly in the belief that this will prevent him from sounding like those boorish, self-confident people), he nonetheless talks non-stop. Typical Mumbler monologues can cover any topic, but can generally be summarized (after translation) as, “A møøse once bit my sister.”

    Mumbler analysis at high volume has revealed Fallout Boy frequently playing in the background. Mumblers are theorized to often sport typical “emo” hairstyles, cut themselves with paper scissors between games, and appear to have gone beyond silent anonymity into schizophrenic self-conversation. Recent disturbing research shows brainwave activity in Mumblers to be nil, suggesting that they may in fact be XBox-playing manifestations of the undead.

    Mumblers, while indeed entertaining, should be avoided at all costs. The price of amusement should never be as high as meleé betrayals to the back of the head in a desperate search for “braiiiinnnnnssssszzzz”.

    Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti…

    Also a classic:

    The Self-Amused Illiterate Message Board Spammer

  29. Inspired by a good friend who shall remain nameless:

    The Cinderella Story aka the Fluke: This guy’s been in a slump for his whole life. Then one night he is visited by his fairy godmother and she gives him incredible powers and razer-sharp skills, but only until midnight. The Fluke becomes drunk on the excitement of winning and doesn’t let anyone forget it. “Headshot! Double kill!” (As if those are noteworthy occurances to the seasoned player.) But we all know the ending of this one… cut to the scene of a lead-filled pumpkin holding an smg.

    But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the role that is my personal favorite to play:

    The Cabbie: Honk! Honk! In a rush mate? Need to get to the other side of the map relatively quickly? Before you jump inside this cabbie’s warthog, however, ask yourself this… do you feel lucky? 1 in 10 odds we make it to our destination, but 10 in 10 odds that you’ll curse my driving and swear you could have done it better yourself. Just like the real thing.

  30. Great comments everyone… here’s one more:

    The Conspiracy Theorist: You’ll know there’s a Conspiracy Theorist in your midst when the post-game lobby suddenly turns into the Warren Commission. Somehow, his numerous deaths are not due to his inferior play, but rather a combination of “magic” bullets, grassy knolls, and second shooters. And yes, he’ll even be able to reference a grassy knoll on a map like Midship. His teammates take some satisfaction in shooting holes in his theories and openly discrediting him to the opposing team, ultimately leading the Conspiracy Theorist to decide that they’re all part of the cover-up.

  31. Yall might want to think about real hobbies like jogging or reading, seariously, I am not trying to be a dick, but you are really putting a lot of thought in to video games.

  32. The wanna be cool- They guy that tells people to get a life, because they put too much thought into video games, when he himself read all the posts. Yeah hes so cool.

  33. The Randomness Expert-

    the player who plays the game, seems to not give a damn, but manages to say the most random things possible; usually including reproductive organs and a random noun afterwards, such as “Penis-gouger” etc. or sings random songs that have nothing to do with anything, and sometimes convinces the rest of his team to sing it as well… an example of this would be “Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring… banana phone!”

  34. this is hilarious guys. I really enjoyed reading the posts. they all his the nail on the head too. I’ve been playing XBL for about 4 months now and have ran into every single one of the people listed here. I have to admit i might be classified as a Tourette’s patient, but only when I’m getting utterly raped. normally im the SBD- Silent But Deadly. i love the shotty/sword and crounching around a heavily frequented hallway mocking the idiots who don’t understand why they’ve been assassinated in the same hallway 5 times in a row.But I would like to add one:
    he is the gamer who is in high school, still has a life, enjoys playing just for fun, and still plays custom games. this person only superjumps to assassinate the superjumping whores on the opposing team and will be sure to let everyone know about his Killtacular in the Post-Game Carnage Report. (note not the double as stated in an above comment)

  35. I’m a Random ‘nader, but one of my friends is one you all haven’t listed.

    The Ghost:
    The Player rarely gets killed or kills the whole game, you only see glimpses of him as he randomly walks around and winds up in the most random places. Got to that hard to reach sniping spot then all the sudden someone walks up next to you without using any vehicles or special jumps? Meet the ghost.

  36. The stubborn postgame lobby war guys. These guys will talk shit until the other team leaves. Once in a blue moon, the lobby war team will run into another lobby war team, and are so stubborn they will stay in the lobby playing loud music in their mics, muting and un muting the other team, until the other leaves to earn a psychological victory of being the most stubborness. Sometimes these players will prolong the war until the 10 hours of idle time on xbox live kicks them out.

  37. then of course there is the very rare breed of the people who are actually really good and dont talk at all. They never have their mics in and manage to get 35 kills a game.

    i actually know someone like this. they are amazing

  38. In addition to the insta-quitter, there are a couple more quitting types:

    The “we lost a round, I’m quitting” quitter:
    In Big Team or 6v6 this tends to have a cascade effect, eventually leaving you to get owned with only the buddy in your party for company. 2 vs 6, always good odds.

    And my personal most-hated (along with the racist)

    The “quit 3 seconds before the game’s gonna end” quitter:
    Leaving everyone else staring at a blue ‘reconnecting’ screen for a minute, often to be followed by a second minute as the next selected host quit already too.

    I wish XBL had an increasing time penalty for quitters, with the time before you’re allowed back into matchmaking doubling every time you quit per session. After the 4th or 5th time, they might try staying ’til the end of the game.

    Another gamer type that quitting leads to is the “half your team quit so now we make you suffer” team:
    This generally happens in Beaver Creek CTF games, where instead of getting the final flag capture they’ll see how many kills they can get while continually contesting the flag. 4 on 2 means they’ve got the power weapons and can camp the spawn points. Then they brag about the kills in post-game like it was slayer.

    Sheesh, what happened to “fair play” and “for the love of the game” and all that stuff? :-)

  39. ALL of you guys have forgotten about “The Pro.” Right now I dont feel like typing up an essay, but I felt like it should be mentioned for somebody to cover it in depth.

  40. i get the person thats kills my whole team at will…then find out he is 4 years old and has to go to bed.

  41. The Camper: This guy starts the game and sets up shop just waiting for the killing to come to him. He is oblivious to the fact that people can remember where he just raped a killing off of them, and proceeds to sit like an idiot as clusters of grenades rain down upon him. Pack up your tent boy, you’re a sitting duck.

    The Suicide Specialist: The only consolation that this guy is killing himself, rendering you or or your team in a inescapable backslide, is that he never seems to kill anyone but himself. Do us a favor and step in front of a real train.

    The Ejector: Sometimes you accidently kill a fellow team member. It happens. But this guy doesn’t wait for an apology or an explaination and boots you immediatly, thus sending you on your merry way and screwing him for you were the top player on your team.

    The Jumper: This is the guy who can never seem to get his jumps right. Thus spending countless time jumping at the same wall, “almost” making it. And is always an easy kill for your opponents.

    The Nerd In Denial: This is the real world “asshole” and/or self described “tough guy” that gets his ass stomped at 4am on any weekend night and tells his opponents to go get a life, yet never realizing that he wouldn’t be saying that if he too is on at the same time.

    The British Minor: These guys are one of my most hated. These are children from 7-16 who have not only the annoying high pitched voice, but has a british accent so sharp it cuts through your concentration and sends large spikes through your ears and deeply seeds them through your thoughtbox. He usually cannot stop talking and gives you more grief that actual kills.

    The Loner Idiot: Team objective games are great time when all the players work together for a common goal, such as bombing an opposing base, capturing the opponents flag, appropriating territories, or holding onto the ball. Team Slayer games where you compete with another team to kill the most opponents first. This guy can’t tell the difference. He goes into a flag game, never steals the flag once, never saves the flag, and is never there to help out his team member with the flag. He runs and guns and then brags on the kills that he makes. Lone Idiot, pick a better suited match.

    Those are a few off the top of my head, I’ll think of some more.


  42. Nice ones, but what about the…

    Scorpion/Banshee Kamikaze: He runs straight for the tanks or ‘Shees at the beginning of the game, then heads directly to the opponents base… and gets himself blown away everytime that you and your team are getting a strategy together. These Kamikaze runs will put the other team at such a lead in kills it is impossible to overcome

  43. The Non-Quitter: After the instant quitters take off and the rest of the teammates who knows there’s no chance of winning leave too, there’s the one guy who stays in the game throughout the rest of the match. This guy either goes on a multiple suicide mission, tries to hide forever, or just leaves himself at the spawn point while he goes to pee or grabs a bite or drink.

  44. wow boys this post hit a chord I love it. You could almost start a site just about the people that play xbox live. anyway lets try and get the zillionaires rolling on tonight. call me centaur

  45. three more people to add.

    First, the “cheater in denial”. These are the level 46s you will hit in a non slayer game type that will typically do worse than you. These are typically tough guys too, as in the post game lobby, you will point out that you did better than them, and they will promptly challenge you to two on two with their buddy that just got on, as he’ll probably need a nice warm up game. So you send them a party invite, and wait. They will send you multiple party invites, but eventually they will you join your party. You quickly reconcile with them saying, well if my friend is a 29 and i’m a 32 and your a 46 and your friends a 43, then maybe we should get host. They agree, and the game begins. They think they are cool, using the BxR and crouching close range so that your melee won’t hit them. Which works the first time, until you start aiming lower and gettin headshots after your melee while they are getting groin shots. Then one quits when the score is 49 to 35 and your kicking their asses, and the other complains post game that we won because of host. Well duh, f—in idiot, of course we would have lost if you had host, cuz you friggin standby.

    The second player, is to quote Eminem, “The Little Punk-Ass that thinks Hes the Shit” this is the kid who is typically met in not slayer gametypes, typically in CTF at Coag, who is typically about 5 levels lower than you, calls the sniper rifle, complains about how far he spawned from it, then betrays you when you pick it up. He then typically proceeds to a) get anywhere from 0 to 2 kills with those 12 bullets when you could have gone on a running riot, or b) tries to act like he is in a montage and run at the ghost to jump and noscope the pilot. the ghost usually hits him, grabs the rifle, and takes it back to the opposing base, making it impossible to score. this has also happened to me with the rockets on terminal, as he betrayed me for them, then killed himself with them, and the other guy ran off and gave them to the guy in the wraith.

    the final group, which ties into the above mentioned group quite often. these are the people with sniper in their name. They usually have “Sn1p3r” or “n0 sc0pe” in their name, and usually, they absolutely bite with the rifle. Typically, they will do the same thing as mentioned above, call the sniper, betray when they don’t get it, and then suck with it. Honestlh, I have actually played with one person who had sniper in his name and actually merrited it, and i have seen two in montages. But that is it. I have seen countless others who have sniper in their name, call the sniper even though I am five level higher than them, and then pull off a four-shot snipe.
    if their lucky.

    Actually, now that I think about it, these are mostly negative types of people you run into, so I’d like to tell you about a good type, who you don’t meet that often. The generous guy. Personal story, this guy went into their base at colossus, grabbed the flag, killed everyone of their team with the flag, and then threw it up the shortcut jump for my friend to score it. Wow, wow. However, he is also a racist, so I guess the universe balances itself out.

  46. The One Track Minded Guy

    Probobly the best guy to have on your team in a capture the flag game. No matter the odds or the idiocy of his logic…this player will do nothing but get his flag. The flag is his baby and he cares about nothing else. You will NEVER see this player untill you see the enemy flag coming over the horizon, which is being followed by every opponent. This guy has an innate ability to get behind the base without being seen and actually capturing the flag. Although he is basically useless in a firefight, you might as well strip his armor and give him running shoes…he puts the mexicans running the border to shame. He can dodge bullets without even moving from side to side. You swear hes even blocked bullets with the flag before.

    Another fun one

    The WTF? Guy

    This guy makes you want to cry. Seriously. You come home from work and you go downstairs to play some Xbox. You get into a game…and then your misery begins. This guy hasn’t been to work in weeks. He has been playing one map for the last 10 days to master it perfectly. Every glitch, every inch on the map is permanently ingrained in his mind. Sure, you try to play against him, but every time you make the slightest mistake…every inch of you that sticks out behind cover gets “checked” by bullets. You never actually figure out where the gunfire is coming from…and if you do find yourself actually seeing your attacker, it’s because hes letting you see him….right before you realize that you have a plasma grenade on your head.

    The AFK

    This guy is incredibly good. He soo good that you’ve switched teams three times to be on his side. The only problem is, is that this guy has more idle time racked up than actual play time. He has the bladder the size of a pea…a girlfriend that won’t stop calling, a roommate that wont stop bitching about the temperature of the room, and to top it all off he has ADD. Sure, if he picks up a weapon the tides immediatly turn, and the other team turns into a bunch of prepubescent girls compared to his skill. Unfortunatly this never happens. It’s a miracle if he moves once the round starts…and even more of one if he lasts the entire round without running off into a dark corner typing “Hold on GF calling”.

  47. there’s a few others, to wit:

    The Conversationalists
    Will talk and talk and talk to each other about nothing game-related FOR THE ENTIRE MATCH because they’re online with their friends and/or they’re too g*ddam lazy to pick up the phone.

    The Play-By-Play Guy
    Every multi-kill, no-scope, or stick made by this player is broadcasted for the benefit of the others who may not have noticed and most likely didn’t care. Usually manifests itself in this fashion: “no-scope, b*tch!” or “double-kill, b*tch!”

    The Poor Sport
    This is the guy who wound up on your team via matchmaking and, after you’ve won, starts to belittle the other side in post-game. You’re in the middle of saying “Hey, nice game Red Team. Coulda gone either way,” and he starts yelling “you suck, you bunch of loser f*ggots! Blue Team rules!” The *sshole-by-association stigma caused by this person is grounds enough to have him beaten with a bag of hammers.

  48. Awesome stuff guys, i’ve played against practically all of those listed above.

    Meet the Protector:
    This is the guy that will willingly stay back and protect the flag. You will never see or hear this guy until you pick up the flag, at which point you die. Or if by chance you rush the base and make it out of there with the flag, you and your teammates will survive for about a further 5 secs before being blasted into oblivion.
    But this guy never goes after the opponents flag, infact he will never take his eyes off his own flag. He will probably end the game will stats which sucked. But hes happy because nobody got his flag!


    This is the guy who walks around the whole game taking insanely large, deep breaths and is always making noise. Especially irritating on small levels like lockout and warlock. This guy makes so much breathing noise into his mic that he wins because his opponets get so annoyed they make stupid mistakes just to try and kill him quicker and make it stop

  50. Yeah, I’m a non-quitter/dating/working/tourette’s(sometimes)
    silent player. I’m good when I care..I have the tourette’s when I encounter the ignorant inconsiderate players that call me a “f***** n***** being bitch”. I laugh heartily inside every time I play with or against them because they have the intelligence of cytoplankton.
    Thanks for the humor in these posts..Good times.

  51. The Child: That kid who is like 7 and up way past his bedtime talking trash. but guess what that 7 yearold is gonna kick your ass at some X-box because lets face it he has no life and sounds like a little girl.

  52. The “I don’t die after grenades and 3 shots to my head” guy. You’ve thrown a grenade to his feet. You’ve then unloaded 3 BR shots to his head and he survives… killing you in 2 seconds or less with an SMG. You run into him about one out of every 4 or 5 games.

    The “I talk trash in unranked games” guy. No explanation needed.

  53. The Girl Who Wins, The girl that kicks ass and all the guys on her team tell you that you lost to a girl. Yet they were all negative five and would not of won without her.


    This dude just lost horribly to your and your crew but will brag incessantly about his killtacular. Congratulations on the spree, but now your rank is lower than mine.

  55. I’ve come across an interesting one while playing Call of Duty 2 on the 360, that would be the
    The guy who tries his hardest to convince everyone he’s a little kid I aasume hopefully for the purpose of owning the match and making everyone feel worthless for having being beat by ‘a kid’. when in reality a ten or twelve year-old usually does better. They spend so much time trying to convince everyone they forget to not suck.

  56. THE “ALL YOUR KILLS WERE LUCK AND MINE WERE ALL SKILL” GUY: this guy is the one that pisses me off the most. he is the guy who if he were sitting next to you, you punch him in his f*****n head. he shows up every so often in a game and always wants to play one on one afterwords. any kill you get on this guy “was all luck” and any kill he gets “was all skill”. i sit and laugh at this one when my 26 lucky kills beats the tar out of his 10 or less skill kills.

    THE COMPLETE IDIOT: this guy is the one that shows up and expects you to be able to talk when you have no mic. he yells thing like “what now” and “that’s right you ain’t got nothin to say biatch”. i think to myself i could have more fun with my balls and a cheese grater.

    THE “ALL YOUR KILLS WERE LUCK AND ALL MINE WERE SKILL” COMPLETE IDIOT: a combination of the previous two. EXMP: Gea Gea & Budweiser Truck

    Your douchebag roommate who sits on your couch and backseat-drives your Halo game. Or, even worse, plays with you and watches your screen during the five seconds after he dies but before he respawns and manages to pick out a mistake.

  58. ok i know u all know this one
    this is the guest they of course never have a mic
    have to resort to playing at other peoples house to use XBL and halo
    now, these GUESTS usually tend to play as the covedant elite as they think its cool when its really the worst gun also they are usually little three year olds that u can hear in the backround say “how did he kill me”! so watch out these guests are a very easy kill!

  59. The Untouchable Superbouncer:

    After you look to get the covie sniper on Burial Mounds, you notice that it’s gone and no one has shot it… then BOOM. You’re killed in one shot with the covie. You again look in all the places all over the map for this sniper until you get killed once again. Soon you see an enemy on your radar, only outside the level. What do you do?

    This person will blame their bad game on random things like saying SOMEONE MESSED WITH MY SENSITIVITY or saying MY PHONE IS RINGING
    They leave you and your team just because they can say i was gone thats why i didnt have a lot of kills in the end.These people piss me off

    This person seems to be talking…or are they just breathing into their mic…..who knows?These guys will try to talk to you and you cant even understand them.You tell them to speak up but it doesnt work.Was that an insult??
    They are just like the voice maskers who you cant understand

  62. The Chuck Noris-this is my most feared of all enemys. he can waltz into a room of multiple foes and with in second comes out wiping the blood off his BR you all know cuz you all have been beaten by him at one time or another

    The McGiver- this is also another foe that has often times gotten the best of me with his ability to use any weapon he pleases and kill at will lacking all mercy and feelings the after thoughts of his victems usually include; “WTF” “…wow” “thats just not right”

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