A Shrewd Purchase

Where do I even begin?

My wife went to the mall today, because she needed to buy birthday gifts for both my mom and my sister. Three hours later, she returned home.

Remarkably, she didn’t buy anything for my mom or sister. Nothing. Not a single thing.

However, she did manage to buy several things for herself. (Not a surprise, as I knew this was the real impetus for the shopping trip.)

She also bought some things for our son.

She didn’t buy anything for me. (Again, not a surprise.)

And, she bought an outfit for a baby girl.

Of course, we don’t have a girl. None of our friends or family does either.

We honestly don’t know a single gift-worthy person that has a baby girl. In fact, we don’t know a single person who is even expecting a baby girl.

In short, my wife bought an item that is of absolutely no use to anyone we know.

Of course, this fact doesn’t seem to bother her at all. As she points out, eventually, someone we know will have a baby girl and we’ll have a nice gift ready to go. We just need to store this outfit for a year or so until then. Let the waiting game begin.

Does this situation seem ludicrous? Sadly, in the realm of female-logic, preemptively buying a gift for a nonexistent recipient makes perfect sense. Especially when that item is on sale.

For your enjoyment, I’ve outlined a few other layers of absurdity to this purchase:

The outfit she purchased is seasonal attire. Specifically, it’s meant to be worn in the summertime. Also, it is made to fit a baby girl approximately nine months old. To recap, this outfit can be worn during three months of the year, and only if the baby happens to be nine months old at that time and female. I’d say this is a pretty narrow window of usefulness. In fact, I would go so far to say it’s an impractical gift, even for a hypothetical baby.

Let’s look at it another way. For a baby to be nine months old in the summertime, she would have had to be born in October or November. Again, since we don’t know anyone expecting a baby in the next few weeks, we’ll have to shoot for next year to time it right. As it stands now, the best-case scenario for us is to have one of our friends have a baby girl sometime in October or November of 2007. This way, their daughter would be the perfect size to wear it during the summer of 2008. Needless to say, I’m sure glad my wife had the foresight to purchase this item today.

What else? Remember how the original purpose of her shopping trip was to find gifts for my mom and sister? It’s ok if this detail slipped your mind, as my wife forgot too. Anyway, I asked her why she came home empty-handed. It certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. She told me about the multiple items she scrutinized, and the various reasons she had on passing on each one. Somehow, in her judgment, all of those items weren’t sensible purchases. In that regard, it makes buying the baby outfit seem even more remarkable, as it unbelievably managed to satisfy the criteria of a sensible purchase in her mind.

My sister’s birthday is in three days. My mom’s is in about three weeks. Time is short, and I’m a busy, busy man. We have absolutely nothing bought for either of them, yet we have the perfect gift for a female baby that will hopefully be born over a year from now. This, ladies and gentlemen, is my life.

Well, I suppose I should quit whining and just post the outfit on eBay. Hopefully I can recoup 60% of its value. Happy bidding everyone.

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9 thoughts on “A Shrewd Purchase”

  1. Looking back it does seem a little ridiculous. If I could do it over though I’d still buy the outfit. When something is 50% off and then 50% off that price its like they’re paying you. That’s logical to me, sorry Babe.

  2. Jeannette, don’t apologize. My wife is purchasing presents for that are for specific couples’ kids. The problem is that those couples’ don’t have any plans of ever having kids. The husband has actually told me he will never have kids. The best part is my wife was standing next to me when he said this. Oh well.

    The best part about this story is the fact that the centaur is “a busy man.” I’m pretty sure that if he read the list of activities that took priority over buying his sister a birthday present, his sister would be pissed. “Sorry Katy but I had to pass level three on the original mario bros. You know how it is.”

  3. Matt even uses his living in a different city as an excuse to delay my birthday presents. Does he ever get a late birthday gift from me? NO~ but, of course his present is always found on the sale rack after Christmas. You have Mom and Dad to thank for that timing! I better not be getting that 9-month old baby outfit this year!

  4. It is not entirely true that I have gifts for specific unconceived (and unwanted) babies. I do have presents for our unconceived baby krusty, but it is wanted and I will shove it into any outfit I choose. What’s more pathetic is that I have gifts for specific babies that I am too lazy to send. Then, the baby is too big for the outfit, and I’m embarrassed to send a 3-6 mo. outfit to a 9 mo. old. I have one particular girl onesie that was for Kyle’s cousin’s kid (who is now over 2 years old).

  5. I’m with your wife on this one. Kids clothes have a very narrow window of use since kids are constantly increasing in size so you can’t criticize the purchase for that. The fact that the outfit is for a nine month old means almost nothing since you don’t actually go by age but by size. The little tikes aren’t all the same size at nine months.
    When someone has a little baby girl, give them the outfit, sooner or later the kid will wear it. The seasonal part you just have to live with. The best part is the recipient of the outfit can keep it for the next child or give it to someone else — there’s a huge network of mothers trading baby clothes in this country.
    It’s smart to just buy things you can give as gifts later even if you don’t know who it’s for. My wife says we should be doing this more often, but we’re too busy buying stuff for us to wear. And 50% off 50% is something you can’t pass up.

  6. Just a grandfather with twin grandsons looking for a deal on a pair of pedal cars. But we’ve been doing baby gifts for years now so I have learned how the whole thing works.

  7. Well…I think a few things are going on here and your wife seems a little “aloof.” It also sounds like money is not an object in your family budget. I CAN understand a purchase that was too good to pass up, but I can’t understand why you’d make a purchase with nobody in mind! For her not to return home with gifts tells me that she doesn’t have enough to do, since she has to return!….maybe even a little compulsive, a little selfish, or a little unorganized!! You didn’t mention how old she is or how long you’ve been married, but obviously she doesn’t understand what you expect in your marriage…..I’d also bet that there are other “things” that bother you about her and that this isn’t necessarily the only thing. My family is very important to me…If my spouse said they’d take care of the shopping and didn’t return with the goods, I guess I wouldn’t ask again. Actually, I do ALL the errands!! If you don’t have time, a gift card or flowers delivered would always be nice. You could always go to dinner too..I think it’s really nice that a guy thinks so much of his Mom and sister…

  8. You guys are hilarious! Really! I wish I had time to write posts about all the $#^* the mother of my two children pulls, because your hassles would pale in comparison.

    Nevertheless, reading these little rants lightens my mood considerably, because I realize I am doing pretty good at not sweating the small stuff if other people are developing hernias over small clothing purchases… and I enjoy your pain!

    Ha, ha, ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha!

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