My Online Dating Profile: Second Draft

About Me:

Pour me a glass of gin
I’m already two whiskeys in
When the lights go dim
I’ll tell you the secret
I’ve kept since I was ten

I have a perpetual cough
That means a cough that just won’t stop
No cure at the shop
And to top it all off
I guarantee I won’t call the doc

As curable as this may seem
The last thing on my mind is me
But here is the twist
That you shouldn’t dismiss
None of this means a damn thing

For you, I’ll bring to the table
The absolute best health care available
And insist on its use
No matter the excuse
Even when the symptoms are questionable

And I’ll stay up with you all night
If you begin to cry from the fright
That out of sight
An invisible brain tumor
Is growing left and right

I’ll remind you to get that “thing” looked at
And follow up when you get back
So let’s make a pact
I’ll be yours
If you’ll be my emergency contact

6 thoughts on “My Online Dating Profile: Second Draft”

  1. The next stanzas:

    If you don’t hear from me in a week’s time,
    To my apartment, please make the drive,
    In case I’ve choked on some grub,
    Or slipped in the tub,
    Just check to see that I’m still alive.

    You see, the apartment that I dwell,
    Generally has a funny smell,
    And the neighbors may ignore,
    The stench coming through the floor,
    Leaving my rotting corpse unnoticed for weeks or more…

    And it would be a shame,
    If it was the landlord that came,
    To evict me for unpaid rent,
    He comes across my accident,
    And he would be pleased, because I wasn’t a very good tenant.

  2. Poetry huh, just when I thought you had scraped the bottom of the barrel. Oh man you just keep lowering the bar.

  3. Krusty, I think the bar can still go lower. I figure if this doesn’t work my third draft is going to be a well-worded Craigslist “Missed Connection.”

    But I can’t be the only single one out there who dreads filling out the emergency contact form when it comes around at the office. For starters, I can’t answer half the questions. I don’t have a regular physician. I don’t have a daytime phone. I don’t have a work phone. I don’t have insurance. I don’t have a significant other. Need I go on. I basically put my name and address at the top of the page and hand it back. At least I have that addy.

  4. Well I never fill out that form either. I simply am to damn lazy. So a fist bump for you my friend some day you will finally have a significant other and you still wont bother to fill it out.

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