You guys, I like pizza. Like, I really like pizza. Like, I probably need to go on Maury Povich and have him do one of those paternity tests to figure out who my real dad is. Like, is it Papa Murphy or Papa John? They are my two pizza dads.
Is this weird? Sometimes, I’ll call in a Papa John’s so I can have it hot and ready while I am picking up my take-n-bake from Papa Murphy’s. I mean, like, how could I play favorites with family? At least it is easier when we all go visit my Grandpa and Grandma John-Murphy on Thanksgiving. Believe it or not, they are allergic to pizza so we just eat cut up vegetables with ranch dip.
I am on every pizza chain’s email list. I’ve got thousands of old emails in my gmail account from Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Little Caesar’s, Roundtable Pizza, Godfather’s, and my two pizza dads, of course. Each and every day I am sitting in the usual web-ready position (mouse in hand) and am constantly getting excited for new mail only to find it’s Papa John’s tempting me with their newest promotion. Too bad it’s never for something I want, like say, pizza. Instead, they keep sending me emails showcasing “buffalo wings” or “lava cakes” or a “big cookie.” It’s true I like the convenience of buying pizza online, but I hate the inconvenience of being notified of the convenience.
Possible Papa John’s Slogans (some NSFW)
- You’ll pop a boner for Papa John’s!
- Hot-N-Ready. Not take-n-bake.
- Uncle Dave makes a killer Papa John’s!
- Cuz Murphy’s gives you herpes.
Also published on Medium.