Food Review: Bagel Bites

Only two things in this world deserve fist pumps, Arsenio Hall and Bagel Bites.

Bagel Bites are so good sounding sometimes I sing their name in a high pitched voice like a singer in an 80’s hair band. It gets me amped up to wait 20 minutes for them to cook because I don’t have a microwave.

Speaking of microwaves, can I buy a box of Bagel Bites that doesn’t come with that weird metallic microwave tray? Is there an “oven-edition” or “the old-fashioned way” line of product? Also, I’d like a “wilderness-edition” for when I’m roughing it in nature and only have a campfire to cook on and a “bbq-edition” for when I crave that grilled look. When I was a young kid, I would have loved a “magnifying glass-edition” that I could sit and cook all day outside in the afternoon sun. Toppings of choice: “pincher bug with extra cheese.”

As I remembered at 10pm last night that I still had those 9 shrink-wrapped frost-covered Supreme Bagel Bites in the freezer, I actually spoke out loud and congratulated myself that I had been so smart as to purchase two boxes instead of just one under the reasoning that “Oh yeah, you’ll get to it eventually.” In this case, eventually meant two nights later.

Bagel Bites are so bad for you that on the box itself the phrases Delicious Bagel Bites and Real Cheese have registered trademark symbols next to them. It’s the equivalent of putting quote marks around the words. Made with “real cheese.” I’m “not impressed.”

Cooking a box of Bagel Bites once set off my carbon monoxide detector in my apartment. I researched it and carbon monoxide detectors usually go off when using a wood burning stove indoors. This is both good and bad. It’s good because in an emergency, a box of Bagel Bites is equivalent to a Dura-log. They can burn slowly for hours giving off a modest amount of heat. It’s bad because I don’t usually warm up half a Dura-log and put the rest in freezer to cook and eat later.

Bagel Bites are so deceptively tiny that you can fit all 9 of them on one of the small plates in the cupboard. So handy when you are watching Extra! or Live with Regis and Kelly. No big heavy dinner plate to fumble with. And because it fits on the smaller plate, it is technically a snack not dinner. That thought helps relieve some of the guilt of knowing that you are slowly poisoning yourself with bad afternoon TV and cancer-causing Frankenfoods.

All in all, I am mostly ashamed I ever purchase them but I love the wild ride they take me on.

18 thoughts on “Food Review: Bagel Bites”

  1. Ah the delicious bagel bite. I agree they are nearly heavenly. There is something about foods that have a playdo equal. When you can easy bake oven something you know it’s good. Don’t fall for that bad for you bs. If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger or mutated. Either way it is good.

  2. Yes, thank you Krusty. Sometimes I need to be reminded that mutation is not to be feared, but embraced. It’s the “Second Law of 70’s Sci-Fi” after all.

    Law’s of 70’s Sci-Fi:

    1. Charlton Heston is God.
    2. Mutation is not to be feared, but embraced.
    3. Special effects should not be believable.

  3. Indeed, we all have fond memories involving bagel-bites. My favorite was the Costco box, which consisted of about 800 bagel bites.

    Naturally, it would take several weeks to polish off that amount. Towards the end, the remaining dregs of the box would be so freezer-burned and ice encrusted it was like eating a pizza sno-cone.

    It was truly a taste sensation. To this day, when I find myself at a county fair, I always wander over to the sno-cone stand, hoping that this will be the year they’ve added a bagel-bite flavor… and every year I leave disappointed.

  4. i too haven’t had a microwave in 7 years. bagel bites are the perfect solution to low-budgetness. it’s like george castanza “giving up” wearing sweatpants everyday. couldn’t help but think of gaffigan’s hot pocket jokes while reading this too. it’s basically white trash food invented for lazy, unmotivated eaters who care less about quality over ???? i have noticed a lot of unwashed plates with crusted bagel bite “sauce” at your crib lately. that’s a good look.

  5. Well, this is all fine and dandy. Thanks for that. Bagel bites are one of the best things ever, but it is true that the cheese on top has got to be cancer causing. I don’t think that it ever really melts, just kind of morphs into a thick coating. Must have plastic in it.

  6. And I thought my house was inadequate without the toaster, dishwasher, cable TV….No microwave?! I draw the line. Jeannette, we’ll pick one up at Target for him. I got one there last year for $12.

  7. That is Centaur I’m calling you out. The slowing down of new posts on here is completely your fault. DA is doing his part. Don’t think for a minute that having a child gets you off the hook. Entertain me damn it.

  8. I actually don’t have a microwave by choice at this point. They are great but I don’t want to take up the counter space. Out here in Brooklyn, the microwave would have to pay me rent if it wanted to stay. I figure for the two cubic feet it would take up I could charge $20 a month or so.

    But if you want to help me out, I am taking donations for a pinball machine!

  9. the little pepperoni pieces on top are awesome. I like my bagel bites crispy, where the cheese is crusty and the sauce burns the roof of my mouth and hurts for days. Never fails. Yeah, Centaur, Krusty is right, you have been slackin big time. It can’t be the kid because everyone knows that Jeannette does all of the work, so must be the 360….I might have to take it off your hands for the good of the zillionaire community…Just throw it in the mail and I’ll reimuburse you for shipping.

  10. If you are going to eat substances that impersonate food you ought to make them in an appliance that impersonates cooking.

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