Only two things in this world deserve fist pumps, Arsenio Hall and Bagel Bites.
Bagel Bites are so good sounding sometimes I sing their name in a high pitched voice like a singer in an 80’s hair band. It gets me amped up to wait 20 minutes for them to cook because I don’t have a microwave.
Speaking of microwaves, can I buy a box of Bagel Bites that doesn’t come with that weird metallic microwave tray? Is there an “oven-edition” or “the old-fashioned way” line of product? Also, I’d like a “wilderness-edition” for when I’m roughing it in nature and only have a campfire to cook on and a “bbq-edition” for when I crave that grilled look. When I was a young kid, I would have loved a “magnifying glass-edition” that I could sit and cook all day outside in the afternoon sun. Toppings of choice: “pincher bug with extra cheese.”
As I remembered at 10pm last night that I still had those 9 shrink-wrapped frost-covered Supreme Bagel Bites in the freezer, I actually spoke out loud and congratulated myself that I had been so smart as to purchase two boxes instead of just one under the reasoning that “Oh yeah, you’ll get to it eventually.” In this case, eventually meant two nights later.
Bagel Bites are so bad for you that on the box itself the phrases Delicious Bagel Bites and Real Cheese have registered trademark symbols next to them. It’s the equivalent of putting quote marks around the words. Made with “real cheese.” I’m “not impressed.”
Cooking a box of Bagel Bites once set off my carbon monoxide detector in my apartment. I researched it and carbon monoxide detectors usually go off when using a wood burning stove indoors. This is both good and bad. It’s good because in an emergency, a box of Bagel Bites is equivalent to a Dura-log. They can burn slowly for hours giving off a modest amount of heat. It’s bad because I don’t usually warm up half a Dura-log and put the rest in freezer to cook and eat later.
Bagel Bites are so deceptively tiny that you can fit all 9 of them on one of the small plates in the cupboard. So handy when you are watching Extra! or Live with Regis and Kelly. No big heavy dinner plate to fumble with. And because it fits on the smaller plate, it is technically a snack not dinner. That thought helps relieve some of the guilt of knowing that you are slowly poisoning yourself with bad afternoon TV and cancer-causing Frankenfoods.
All in all, I am mostly ashamed I ever purchase them but I love the wild ride they take me on.