I present to you, an email to a coworker that I am on the verge of sending:
Larry,
Guess what I did today? I went onto the company’s intranet site and researched whom you report to. It turns out you are not totally unaccountable around here, as your recent actions might otherwise suggest.
I am now in possession of your boss’s email address… good ol’ Jim.Swathmore@wscb.com. Rest assured, I honestly don’t want to use this information. However, if the situation warrants, I am prepared to cc him on future emails between us, potentially with the high-importance exclamation flag in use as well.
I see that I have your attention now. As you may recall, I emailed you last week, requesting the expense budget from your department. I even reminded you of this two days ago by the vending machines.
Both times, you told me you were on top of it.
Of course, this was a lie. In reality, you’ve spent the last week procrastinating and hoping that this whole project would blow over and you’d escape doing any work whatsoever.
For the record, I’m not angry. Honestly, I respect the way you’ve handled things thus far. I would have played the situation in the exact same way.
In fact, when my boss first broached the subject of the company-wide expense study, I went incommunicado for a few weeks myself. I diligently spent my time at work crafting ways to extricate myself from the project altogether. While I ended up wasting several days doing this, I viewed it as a worthwhile investment in non-productivity.
When he finally asked me about my progress, I told my boss I had prepared a “feasibility analysis” on what it would take to get the project done. In actuality, the “feasibility analysis” was just a term I made up for a list of excuses to not do the project at all. I’ll spare you the details of my PowerPoint presentation and go right to the conclusion: The expense project he assigned was totally not worth doing.
Of course, my boss saw it differently. Normally, when I apply that level of professional effort to not doing work it pays off handsomely. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case this time, as my boss made it clear that this expense analysis must get done. And this is where fate has thrust us together. You, Larry, are the logjam that is stonewalling all progress on this project.
For the record, I would prefer that you don’t send me anything, and continue to ignore these emails. In doing so, you will be sparing us both the hassle of actually doing our jobs, while at the same time positioning yourself to take all the blame when this project ultimately fails. However, please understand that these emails will persist, as I need to establish a paper trail of effort on my part to effectively make you the scapegoat.
So Larry, we’re at the point of no return. I need to make one last attempt at getting you to do your job. And unfortunately, my only remaining option is the underhanded maneuver of cc’ing of your boss on an email outlining your incompetence and apathy. While I’m sure your boss is generally aware of your ineptness, I’m more than happy to provide a second opinion in affirmation. I realize it is the smarmiest move in inter-office relations, but I’m prepared to do it.
It’s your call.
One other thing, if you do decide to crunch some numbers, don’t do too good of a job on this. Seriously, let’s not run the risk of this report being too useful. I’ll sabotage it a little on my end too. The last thing either of us needs is for management to decide that this report should be updated every quarter or something.
Thanks for your time. I await your reply,
The Centaur
lol…blackmail..er, a way to get the job done…nice…
This is simply amazing.
Awesome letter!
Never seen a calmer letter with this air of getting your point perfectly across!
Oh, and by the way, you’ve got a beautiful site!
Dude, classic Centaur material. Consider me entertained. Nice work. I want to see the return email that Larry sends trying to bribe you into any other course of action.
Centaur,
Wow. So you are the guy. The guy who ruins it all for the rest of us.
Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why. You still have a future ahead of yourself, so you think. You don’t want to tarnish your reputation. You want to make damn sure you’ve got your umbrella open when the shit hits the fan. Honestly, you remind me of myself 15 years ago.
I used to think it was all a game too. If I just played by the rules (and exploited all the loopholes), I knew I’d survive. Maybe even come out ahead. So what if I had to cut a few people down to make my life easier. They were worthless anyway. Oh my god, were they worthless! How incompetent do you have to be to fired anyways!?!
And for the record, I agree that I’ve been tremendously incompetent on this matter. That is not in question. I am and will continue to be grossly incompetent. But you said yourself this expense analysis is not worth doing And yet you call me a logjam.
Centaur, I am not a logjam. I am a free flowing river of reason. And reason dictates that bad ideas should die and rot into the ground so that good ideas can feed on their nutrients. I know you agree with me. But yet you threaten me with the dull blade of a CC’d email? Why?
I’ll tell you why. You still think some of this stuff matters. You believe in it. And the part of you that holds your head high, the shred of dignity that allows you to wake up each day and come to battle at this hell hole won’t let you give up or fail.
I don’t have that anymore. I don’t believe in any of this. I don’t believe that useless work is worth my time. I don’t believe that my boss is smarter or better than me. I don’t believe in teamwork when the team doesn’t share the rewards it generates.
I just come here and strain my way through the day, hating every second, in order to get my paycheck and the affordable insurance. You see, my mother is dying of cancer and I take care of her. Her medical bills are astronomical and it’s a really difficult time for the family, as I’m sure you can understand. I don’t tell you this because I want your sympathy. I am just telling it like it is. You seem to be a fan of straight talk.
The real truth of the matter here is that this is not about an expense report. This is principle. Fifteen years ago I never thought I’d be writing this email to you. I thought I’d be tucked away in a high-level office making real money. I had hope and dignity and sent a few CC’d emails myself. I wanted to get things done, and do them right. But I never got that penthouse office and I could give you a hundred reasons why.
So if you can predict the future and are 100% sure that you will never end up like me, send that email. But, if you aren’t God and don’t wind the hands of time, I would be a little more hesitant. Your life might not always be so scripted. You might hate me most because you are afraid of ending up just like me.
Larry
Larry,
I sifted through your email and noticed that you “forgot” to attach the data I requested.
Typical.
Look, I realize that you are basically composting in your chair until retirement. I wish you luck in continuing this practice, as you are blazing a trail of inaction and indifference that I hope to one day emulate. Of course, in my case, it will be done in a corner office with a view of downtown.
The fact is, it requires very little effort to be considered a sweet employee around here. I have you, in part, to thank for that. The truth is, I can show up late, leave early, and proceed to dick around for 95% of my workday while I’m here.
However, by spending a mere 15 minutes a day doing my job I am considered a good worker. And by scripting an email blaming you for the collapse of this worthless project, I instantly become a good worker with leadership skills as well.
And finally, if I can also master the use of a few corporate buzzwords and no longer do gross things like clip my fingernails in my cubicle, I’ll be an executive someday. Sad as it may be, we both know that’s all it takes.
Looking forward to someday being made your boss and immediately firing you,
The Centaur
Dude, Can plagarize this for some colleagues at the H.S. I get tired of hearing, Mr/Mrs. so and so doesn’t make us cite our sources.
excellent, I am laughing out loud in my office. Excellent lob pass and dunk.
Centaur, and Larry,
i’ve been secretly documenting your thread and i’ve come to the conclusion that you’re both fired. after tirelessly reading both your emails i’m reminded of how too much time is on both your hands. i seriously fell asleep reading both emails. woke up, then barely made it to the end. naw just kidding, good work.
solo
Centaur and Larry,
Since upper management tasked me with spying on most company employees (exempting those special few, myself included) computer use I welcome the break from tedium the your correspondence represents. A person can only take so much shopping, porn, sports, blogging, inane emails etc. Imagine my surprise at finding your honesty and forthrightness blatantly logged by “PROBE”, my new spyware.
I believe both of you will be working in a different capacity very shortly as the following comments were overheard after my presentation to management regarding your emails:
(Centaur) “A real company man”, “I like the cut of his jib”, “subtle but devious” and “a rising star”.
(Larry) “we need him in research”, “would he vet all of our projects”, “what an intellect” and “he’ll go far”.
I look forward to working with you again.
Mr. Smiley
If sending him a cc to his boss does not get the reaction you wanted – take it a step further and expose him on a public blog like mine.