Several years ago, the Best Buy CEO addressed the executive board about naming their new team of in-store tech support…
Ok, let’s get this meeting started. First off, I think we’re all in agreement that the marketing name of this new group of computer repair specialists is critical. We really want to stand apart from the competition here. To do that, I have a radical idea. Instead of lauding the professionalism or technical skills of our tech-support employees, I want to play up the stereotype that anyone with knowledge about computers is a socially awkward loser.
That’s right, I think the naming of our tech-support service ought to demean our employees by associating them with the lowest pariah of American society: the nerd. And our job here today is to craft a name for our technicians that will cast them as pathetic introverts to the general public.
Here is my vision: Imagine one of our tech employees strikes up a conversation with a pretty girl he’s hoping to impress. Now, when she asks him where he works, I want her to laugh in his face when he tells her. Then, I want her to run over to her friends so that they can all laugh at him as well. That’s the kind of brand association we’re going for here.
Now, maybe you’re asking, “Why go to this length to belittle and disparage our own employees?” It’s simple. When our customers drop off their computer for repair work, I want them to think that our technicians are such dateless, social misfits that they will have no higher priority on a Saturday night than fixing computers. That translates to peace of mind for the consumer.
Look at it this way, would you want to take your laptop in for repair to a tech support group called “Really Cool Guys That Party and Associate with Females”? Of course you wouldn’t. Your laptop would probably come back covered with beer stains and the disk drive would be stuffed with used condoms.
That’s why we’re going to go in the total opposite direction. Here are some names I’ve come up with so far…
Celibate Squad: Now, this name clearly labels our employees as social outcasts. This is good. Unfortunately, I feel it should also convey that they possess some underlying technical abilities as well. We’ll have to scratch this one.
Introvert Brigade: I really like this one. However, from a marketing standpoint, it has probably got too many syllables, and it just doesn’t roll off the tongue.
Nerd Team: Personally, I love the word “nerd.” It perfectly embodies the stereotypes we’re trying to perpetuate. The only sticking point is that the word “team” is most often associated with athletics. It just seems like too much of an oxymoron.
Loser Force: This one might be too harsh.
The A/V Club: While this is not an especially catchy name, I do think this would help with new employee recruitment at local high schools.
And finally, my personal favorite: Geek Squad. In the olden days, a “geek” was a freakish circus performer. Nowadays, the word “geek” has evolved to refer to someone with eccentric nerdiness. A broad word like this gives us a lot of latitude in denigrating our employees in advertising. Honestly, is “Geek Squad” perfect or what?
I can see lots of nodding. I think it’s pretty unanimous… Geek Squad it is!
That’s good for now. Let’s set up a meeting next week to discuss the uniform. Obviously, we’ll make them wear bleached white shirts with clip-on ties. I’ll make sure we get some pocket-protectors in there too. Oh, and someone should contact the legal department to see if we could contractually force the “Geek Squad” employees to get braces and bad haircuts as well.
All right, this meeting is adjourned. Let’s get some lunch.