Zillionaire Security Bulletin

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Team,

With the recent relaunch of the website, it is critical that we all change passwords and conform to the new Password Policy.  What you see above is the old policy, which was considered highly secure in 2005.  Eleven years and an unknown number of security breaches later, we have lost zillions of dollars in expected revenue.  That changes now.

The new password policy goes into effect immediately.  Please change your password at your next login and be sure it conforms to the following requirements:

  • Password must be at least 38 characters long
  • Password must be an illegal play in Scrabble
  • Password must contain a prime number greater than 997
  • Password must contain two letters from a foreign alphabet (eg. ñ or ø)
  • Password must contain a symbol of foreign currency (eg. ₡)
  • Password must contain the name of a South American mountain range
  • Password must not contain your first or last name
  • Password must not contain the names of any spouses, ex-girlfriends, hookups, etc. It’s all on file.  We will be checking.
  • Password must not be longer than 22 characters
  • Password must be changed weekly

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

*That is an actual screen grab from my job

Fake Celebrity Real Estate News

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Each week, Internet Zillionaire brings you the top stories in fake celebrity real estate:

  • Big news in California real estate this week. Rap icon and 90’s sitcom star Fresh Prince is selling his mansion in Bel Air. Listed for $6 million, the family friendly house comes with a staff of one, a large kitchen, and a colorful “graffiti art” paint job in one room. Rumor has it the Fresh Prince is downsizing and is trading in his Bel Air pad for a small hacienda in Rancho Cucamonga.
  • Long-retired DIYer Bob Villa is finally putting this old house on the market. Local appraisers say the house is showing it’s age and Villa probably should have sold long ago if he were looking to make top dollar. As of now, the old place is more of a fixer upper.
  • Rather stark news from the prairie, as it seems Laura Ingalls Wilder may also be selling as this cryptic Craigslist ad appeared online this week: For sale: little house on large open prairie. Not to be confused with my other listing of “little house in big woods”. Cost: $40,000.
  • Sad news from New York City, as the Pope of Greenwich Village has passed away. The Cardinals of Canal Street have called for a papal conclave to elect the next Bishop of Broome, also known as the Pope. Real estate prices outside Greenwich Village could skyrocket if the new Pope is chosen from a different Manhattan neighborhood. One New Yorker stated “If the Pope of Tribeca is announced, I’m moving to Brooklyn.

Brick and Mortar is Back!

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The world wide web is dead. The future of the Internet is all brick and mortar.

By now, you’ve likely heard that Amazon opened its first brick and mortar bookstore in Seattle. And yesterday, news broke that they are planning a massive expansion of the concept, perhaps rolling out hundreds more retail bookstores.

My inner pundit tells me this single occurrence is the beginning of a sweeping trend. So I am predicting that 2016 is the year all the big Internet companies open up physical storefronts across the country. Everyone will be getting into the brick and mortar game.

Facebook Store
There is nothing for sale at the Facebook store but you will see everyone from your high school. Even if you’ve lived in the same city for years and never ran into these people, somehow at the Facebook store they will be there and bombard you with pictures of their babies.

Craigslist Thrift Store
In an effort to speed up expansion into brick and mortar, Craigslist will just buy the Goodwill corporation and fire all the employees while simultaneously unbranding all the storefronts. It will literally just be like walking into your neighbor’s garage with junk piled high and no rules for engaging in commerce. It will be a big hit with the hoarders.

Netflix Theaters
Similarly, Netflix will buy a major movie theater chain and quit showing any new releases, selling concessions, or displaying the show times of the content they are playing. You just walk in and sit down and jump into whatever is streaming at the moment. No one ever has to leave before the next movie starts. No one ever wakes you up if you fall asleep. And the lights never come up to remind you it is daytime.

LinkedIn Coffeeshop
This shop’s interior decoration is modeled after your typical office. There are cubicles, a couple printers (one is broken), a gross coffee maker in the corner, and, of course, not a shred of natural light. In fact, if feels just like going to work except all your disgruntled coworkers seem much more competent and attractive than they actually are.

Twitter Mini-markets
The Twitter mini-market is inexplicable. It has no point. It has no purpose. But there is always a long line of patrons waiting to get in because capacity is only 140 characters. Rimshot!

YouTube Hall of Concerts and Pranks
YouTube will take over all the music halls and concert venues around the globe and provide free entertainment to the masses. However, there is a hefty price to be paid if one wants to enjoy this perk. At any moment, you could be caught on camera being hit in the genitals, taunted because of your musculature, or have some preppy dipstick grope you or laugh at your ethnicity.

Now that you’re convinced of this trend, help me imagine more of this world devoid of online connections. What does a Google, Instagram, or Reddit brick and mortar operation look like?