Funny Making Money
I traced back the ancestry of the coal miner’s daughter and it isn’t too exciting.
Ten bucks some marketing guy has pitched all of these experimental crust flavors to Pizza Hut at some point.
Dessert crust flavors:
International crust flavors:
Fast-food partnership crust flavors:
Circumstantial crust flavors of the past (where and when available):
Locally-sourced crust alternatives (where available):
You guys, I like pizza. Like, I really like pizza. Like, I probably need to go on Maury Povich and have him do one of those paternity tests to figure out who my real dad is. Like, is it Papa Murphy or Papa John? They are my two pizza dads.
Is this weird? Sometimes, I’ll call in a Papa John’s so I can have it hot and ready while I am picking up my take-n-bake from Papa Murphy’s. I mean, like, how could I play favorites with family? At least it is easier when we all go visit my Grandpa and Grandma John-Murphy on Thanksgiving. Believe it or not, they are allergic to pizza so we just eat cut up vegetables with ranch dip.
I am on every pizza chain’s email list. I’ve got thousands of old emails in my gmail account from Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Little Caesar’s, Roundtable Pizza, Godfather’s, and my two pizza dads, of course. Each and every day I am sitting in the usual web-ready position (mouse in hand) and am constantly getting excited for new mail only to find it’s Papa John’s tempting me with their newest promotion.  Too bad it’s never for something I want, like say, pizza. Instead, they keep sending me emails showcasing “buffalo wings” or “lava cakes” or a “big cookie.” It’s true I like the convenience of buying pizza online, but I hate the inconvenience of being notified of the convenience.
Possible Papa John’s Slogans (some NSFW)
If these thoughts on pizza interested you, I’d like to remind you of my other musings on the subject from the Internet Zillionaire archives.
The NFL isn’t really an expansion league, but my wife has a few ideas for new team names in case it ever decides to grow. During the Monday Night Football game she came up with this list:
I’d love to see the logos of these teams. Any artists out there?
They call me the Fart Whisperer. It is my gift.
I can’t break a wild horse or teach a rowdy dog to behave but I can coax that fart out of you.
Like tuning an old TV with rabbit ears, I will adjust your legs to unkink your intestines. My magic fingers on your abdomen will have you breaking wind like a teenager doing sit-ups in gym class.
I don’t rely on medical devices or over-the-counter fart suppressants. My methods are all-natural. I am the midwife of flatulence.
Just because I work in a respected and professional manner does not mean the farts reciprocate. They scream at me as they rush by. They disgrace themselves as they exit the premises. They are prone to violent outbursts when they are ushered out the back door.
But I am ready for whatever fight they put up. I’ve been doing this for so long, I know and understand each fart’s personality. There is the “bloater.” The “popper.” The “grumpy old man who lives like a hermit in the woods.” I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had to introduce him back into society.
Not all farts are the same, however, and in my career I’ve had the good fortune to grapple with a few choice vapors that tested my every move and instinct. Like all worthy foes, I’ve given them a name and an epitaph, which I share below:
Now, the only questions are when do I get my TV show and who will play the Fart Whisperer on the silver screen?