Author: The Centaur

A Shrewd Purchase

Where do I even begin?

My wife went to the mall today, because she needed to buy birthday gifts for both my mom and my sister. Three hours later, she returned home.

Remarkably, she didn’t buy anything for my mom or sister. Nothing. Not a single thing.

However, she did manage to buy several things for herself. (Not a surprise, as I knew this was the real impetus for the shopping trip.)

She also bought some things for our son.

She didn’t buy anything for me. (Again, not a surprise.)

And, she bought an outfit for a baby girl.

Of course, we don’t have a girl. None of our friends or family does either.

We honestly don’t know a single gift-worthy person that has a baby girl. In fact, we don’t know a single person who is even expecting a baby girl.

In short, my wife bought an item that is of absolutely no use to anyone we know.

Of course, this fact doesn’t seem to bother her at all. As she points out, eventually, someone we know will have a baby girl and we’ll have a nice gift ready to go. We just need to store this outfit for a year or so until then. Let the waiting game begin.

Does this situation seem ludicrous? Sadly, in the realm of female-logic, preemptively buying a gift for a nonexistent recipient makes perfect sense. Especially when that item is on sale.

For your enjoyment, I’ve outlined a few other layers of absurdity to this purchase:

The outfit she purchased is seasonal attire. Specifically, it’s meant to be worn in the summertime. Also, it is made to fit a baby girl approximately nine months old. To recap, this outfit can be worn during three months of the year, and only if the baby happens to be nine months old at that time and female. I’d say this is a pretty narrow window of usefulness. In fact, I would go so far to say it’s an impractical gift, even for a hypothetical baby.

Let’s look at it another way. For a baby to be nine months old in the summertime, she would have had to be born in October or November. Again, since we don’t know anyone expecting a baby in the next few weeks, we’ll have to shoot for next year to time it right. As it stands now, the best-case scenario for us is to have one of our friends have a baby girl sometime in October or November of 2007. This way, their daughter would be the perfect size to wear it during the summer of 2008. Needless to say, I’m sure glad my wife had the foresight to purchase this item today.

What else? Remember how the original purpose of her shopping trip was to find gifts for my mom and sister? It’s ok if this detail slipped your mind, as my wife forgot too. Anyway, I asked her why she came home empty-handed. It certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. She told me about the multiple items she scrutinized, and the various reasons she had on passing on each one. Somehow, in her judgment, all of those items weren’t sensible purchases. In that regard, it makes buying the baby outfit seem even more remarkable, as it unbelievably managed to satisfy the criteria of a sensible purchase in her mind.

My sister’s birthday is in three days. My mom’s is in about three weeks. Time is short, and I’m a busy, busy man. We have absolutely nothing bought for either of them, yet we have the perfect gift for a female baby that will hopefully be born over a year from now. This, ladies and gentlemen, is my life.

Well, I suppose I should quit whining and just post the outfit on eBay. Hopefully I can recoup 60% of its value. Happy bidding everyone.

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A Remarkable Comeback

This is a true success story. After years of teetering on the brink of extinction, Little Caesar’s Pizza is making a triumphant comeback.

Like the American bison, Little Caesar’s once covered the landscape in vast numbers. Then, about ten years ago, they started to suddenly vanish. Their collapse was inexplicable, as they were certainly popular and profitable. Perhaps they were caught grinding up the homeless for pizza ingredients. As far as I’m concerned, that’s about the only thing that could simultaneously explain the low prices and the precipitous drop in franchises.

Thankfully, before Little Caesar’s was completely wiped out, the last remaining franchises were rounded up and put in a captive breeding program. And last week, one of the hatchlings was released back into my neighborhood:

Little Caesars2 resized.jpg

For those unfamiliar with Little Caesar’s, notice the coupon on the right. Little Caesar’s was the first pizza chain to put out high-volume pizza deals. Four pizzas for one low price! Genius.

And now they’ve added another innovation:

Little Caesars resized.jpg

They now have pizzas that are pre-made and ready to go. And they’re dirt cheap too. No need to call ahead, they’ve always got a pepperoni or cheese pizza ready when you pull in. Again, genius.

Are you starting to wonder how this enterprise could have ever failed? Seems impossible, right? I’m still not sure how it happened. Rest assured though, we had Little Caesar’s last week, and this time there was no hobo aftertaste. So far so good. With proper stewardship, I feel confident that Little Caesar’s will be around for future generations to enjoy.

Ripping Off A Zillionaire

For those of you that don’t know me, I am a petty, petty man. And, you should also know, this website was conceived entirely so that I would have a forum to slander anyone I held a grievance with.

The following is a true story…

I didn’t really publicize this, but I was a candidate to become a staff writer for a major video game publisher last spring. Since I generally don’t believe in protecting the innocent, I’ll name names. It was Bungie Studios, a subsidiary of Microsoft, best known as the creators of the Halo franchise.

I ultimately didn’t get the job, and aside from the flaming bags of dog doo I left on Bungie’s door (my calling card), I didn’t really harbor any ill will.

Until today. Here’s where it gets interesting. Remember this post? During the interview process, I submitted this to “Frankie,” the chief content dude at Bungie.

At the time I sent this to him, this post had already generated a buzz within the Halo community and wound up being linked to by a variety of sites, many of which were not Xbox related. To date, it remains the most widely read post on Internet Zillionaire.

That was more than six months ago. Take a look at what was posted on Bungie’s website yesterday. An article with an eerily similar tone, written by the very person they hired instead of me, whose boss happens to be Frankie. Coincidence?

Anyway, read it for yourself. It’s a pretty blatant rip-off. And keep in mind, I directly submitted this very idea to Bungie. For the record, I am not accusing them of plagiarism… just crappier writing. And from my perspective, this only adds insult to injury. But that’s just my opinion, you be the judge.

Office Sayings

I proudly present, some things I like to say around the Office:

  • “I crunch more numbers before 8 am than most people do all day.”
  • “You can’t spell ‘analysis’ without the word ‘anal’.”
  • “I hate living under a dictatorship. We should get to vote on raises and stuff like that.
  • “My motto has always been to live by the sword, and die by the sword.”
  • “I quit. Just joking.”
  • “Really? At my old job they didn’t care if we slept at our desks. Weird.”
  • “You can’t believe everything you read. Take my resume, for instance. It’s full of blatant falsehoods.”
  • “Business-casual? Sounds like an oxymoron to me. Maybe we should all dress ‘hard-working-relaxed’ instead. Or how about ‘Serious-laidback’ attire?”
  • “The sad thing is, I’m actually considered a good employee around here. That’s how messed up this place is.”
  • “Shoot, has anyone seen my flask?”
  • “Listen everyone, we need to get our ducks in a row. We’ve been letting the fox guard the henhouse, and now the chickens are coming home to roost. We’ve been getting a cock and bull story, but I think it’s just a pig in a poke, and we should be sitting in the catbird seat instead of watching this dog and pony show. Everyone got that? Good.” (Ok, I can’t take credit for this one. I’m quoting my boss. He uses a different barnyard idiom in almost every sentence. Needless to say, we have very colorful dialogue around here.)
  • “Titles aren’t really important to me. Especially those of my superiors.”
  • “Don’t shoot the messenger, people. I, like most postal employees, am heavily armed.”
  • “They stopped carrying Twix in the vending machines? Are you kidding? You know, there have been a lot of decisions around here lately that I haven’t been consulted on.”
  • “His cubicle definitely has an old man smell to it.”
  • “I already looked into it. The company handbook makes no mention of the use of roller skates around the office.”
  • “Solitaire… FreeCell… Minesweeper… I’m sick of all of them. When are they going to get some new games around here?”

New Calvin Klein Fragrances

Believe it or not, I actually know someone in the fragrance industry. And she works at Calvin Klein no less. Naturally, whenever I get the opportunity to see her, I try and help her out with a few pitches for new fragrances. It’s the least I can do.

Let’s face it, fragrances these days have gotten too predictable. Perfumes for women, generally, smell like flowers or fresh produce. Seriously, this is the best you can come up with? I can smell flowers anytime, just by swinging by the local botanical garden or funeral home.

And colognes for men are even worse. We’re supposed to smell like abstract or philosophical concepts. Truth. Be. Eternity. All of these are actual Calvin Klein fragrances. I suppose it sounds better than “Gullible” or “Desperate” which is what you actually smell like.

Anyway, for the record, I don’t wear cologne. No need. I have a rich, natural musk. Of course, if Calvin Klein had his way, my wife would probably smell like lavender peaches and I would smell like immortality. Somehow this makes sense in the fragrance industry.

As you can see, some fragrance innovation is long overdue. Here are some of my ideas:

Summer Barbeque for Women: Nothing will attract a man’s attention quite like the scent of a slab of meet cooking over an open flame. Ladies, with a sprinkle of Summer Barbeque, you can be the slab of meat that will get his mouth watering.

Seriously, try this one at home. Just dab a little barbeque sauce behind your ear, or sprinkle some A1 Steak Sauce on your wrist before your next evening out. Ask my wife. It will drive your man wild.

Flammable for Men: As the name suggests, this fragrance is 100% pure gasoline. The unmistakable scent of any flammable liquid always creates panic in a crowd of people. Danger is present. Ha! Not only do you laugh at danger, but you wear it on your sleeve. And you even splash a little danger on your neck. Why not, you’ll shoot a squirt or two of danger down your boxers as well. Just don’t blink. And don’t stand near an open flame.

Of course, this one might be a tough sell at $50 per bottle, considering it is readily available at any gas station for about $3 per gallon. We’ll let the marketing guys figure it out.

New Car Smell for Women: Rollback the odometer, ladies! This youthful fragrance will persuade any man to kick the tires, look under the hood, and take a test drive. Buy or lease, the financing options are on your terms (on approved credit).

Freshly Cut Grass for Men: A manly scent, outdoorsy and clean. Whether it be manicuring the lawn at home, or spending the day on the links: This is the scent for men that work hard and play hard.

And yes, I entertained the idea of crafting my own homemade version of this scent. If grass stains weren’t so hard to get out, I would seriously smell like my front lawn right now.

Bacon for Women: Mmmmmm… bacon. This versatile fragrance is just like the pork product: salty, greasy and enticing at any time of the day. Think about it: Add bacon to a side of eggs, a burger, a pizza, even a salad, and it transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. It’s the little black dress of fragrances; Bacon will deliciously suit your needs for any occasion.

E.R. for Men: The scent of cheating death. E.R is a combination of perspiration, antiseptics, and a few pints of lost blood. We’ll provide the scent, the harrowing tale of your near demise is up to you.