Category: Gamage

Consider this a classified ad:

Wanted: Reliable mercenary interested in joining a semi-winning team. Must have flexible schedule and be willing to work late nights and weekends. Applicants should demonstrate a tireless and insatiable appetite for killing. Ability to taunt opponents with juvenile insults a plus. Sniper skills a definite plus. Please post resume and/or personal qualifications in the comments section below:

Sadly, this is what it has come to. The Zillionaire platoon of Krusty, Solo, DA and I have been busy spilling the blood of our pre-teen opponents across the outer reaches of the Xbox Live cyberspace. Please understand, these hordes of pre-teens are bloodthirsty and relentless, as most of their life is spent being shoved in lockers and rejected by girls. In other words, picture us 15 years ago… (Alright, fine… five years ago.) Anyway, all of these juveniles are looking to make their mark by knocking off a few Zillionaires. Naturally, we match the ferocity of our opponents, as we take pride not only in annihilating the other team, but also in displaying less maturity in the process.

So why the classified ad? As you might guess, it is becoming extremely difficult for all four of us to get online at the same time. Whenever we fail to field a full squad, Microsoft selects a random player from a select group of social misfits to fill out our team. Guess how this turns out. First off, it is guaranteed our new player will have zero charisma. And most of the time they don’t even talk at all. Believe me, we’ve been matched with a staggeringly disproportionate number of mimes, mutes and silent film stars in these games.

Second, provided our newly assigned teammate doesn’t abruptly quit mid-game, he usually sabotages our team by demonstrating the killing capacity of Spongebob Squarepants while combining it with the dying capacity of Kenny McCormick. The only good thing that comes out of teaming with a random player is that it gives the rest of us someone to blame unequivocally for our defeat. Immediately after the loss, the three of us in the platoon grab our cell phones and make another frantic attempt at reaching our rightful fourth teammate.

And so here we are. We need some reliable gunners that can consistently show up, notch a few kills, and help represent the clan of Zillionaires in our ongoing quest for Halo 2 supremacy. To help applicants get acquainted with some of the people they’d potentially be working with, I’m providing some declassified profiles on our team members…

The Chizzler:
Occupation: Web Designer
Weapon of Choice: Laser Sword
Strengths: Team leader in kills. Handles a laser sword like a Jedi Knight (thankfully without the mind tricks or befriending of Jar Jar Binks).

Jon Solo:
Occupation: Musician
Weapon of Choice: Sniper rifle
Strengths: It’s surprising to those that have seen him shoot a basketball, but Solo is our best marksman.

Velvety Krusty:
Occupation: Campground Manager
Weapon of Choice: Shotgun
Strengths: Never avoids a firefight. He will fight a tank with a Super Soaker if that’s what it takes. Also, his quality of play increases dramatically when intoxicated.

However, to be fair to potential recruits, I should probably disclose some of the weaknesses our team possesses…

I’ll begin with The Chizzler. For starters, The Chizzler has a pathological predisposition to rebel against any form of organization or team strategy during game play. Usually it is benign, like casually wandering away from the team while we take position in a bunker. Apparently, The Chizzler will suddenly realize he left his car keys by the warp zone or forgot to put the dust cover on the machine gun turret, or some other random errand that is more pressing than covering his teammates.

Unfortunately, it’s almost become pointless to even attempt to develop any sort of team strategy, as The Chizzler will ignore it completely on the grounds of not being labeled a conformist. Sadly, the only way to make The Chizzler follow a game plan is to implement reverse psychology by instructing him to not follow the game plan. For instance, if I want The Chizzler to help guard our position, I might instruct him thusly:

McSex: “Alright guys, let’s hold position behind the small fortress. Krusty and I can guard the perimeter, and Solo will cover us with the sniper rifle. Chizzler, you should wander off like an Alzheimer’s patient and sever communication with the rest of the team… and be sure to take several phone calls during game play.”

And then there’s Solo. As I alluded to above, he is lethal with a sniper rifle. When he gets into a killing groove, few can survive his onslaught. Unfortunately, this also includes his teammates. Essentially, Solo turns into the Manchurian Candidate and begins killing everyone, especially those he’s supposed to protect.

Finally, there’s Krusty. He has the most unreliable Internet connection on the planet. Seriously, the Amish mock his lack of technology. Because he lives on a campground, he is apparently forced to dial into Xbox Live via a telegraph in a nearby ranger station. While the rest of us hold conversations, Krusty is beeping at us in Morse code. And while the rest of us worry about hackers interfering with our Internet connection, Krusty’s primary concern is of raccoons and horseflies. Unfortunately, Krusty’s poor connection can cause the rest of our screens to skip and lag, creating an effect similar to trying to make out a picture on a scrambled cable station. For most of us, this is something we were more skilled at in our adolescent days… (Alright, fine… I’m still good at it.)

So as you can see, it takes a special kind of individual to join our team. We’re looking for a few good men willing to sacrifice their marriage and possibly career in the noble pursuit of hardcore video gaming. You’ve got to pretend to believe your wife when she says “nothing’s wrong” and things are “fine” while she angrily turns the pages of a magazine on the adjacent couch while you play video games all night. You’ve got to be willing to show up late and do a really half-assed job at work because you played past midnight the night before. And you’ve got to be willing to drop everything at a moment’s notice when called upon to join your platoon online. It’s not an easy life. Do you have what it takes?

After a lengthy hiatus, I’ve found myself drifting into my favorite bar downtown after work these last two days to play pinball and have a cold one. Always the fearless trendsetter (or is that toothless loser), I saunter in alone, weighted down by a pocketful of quarters, hoping that something decent is on the jukebox. For some inexplicable reason I always play fantastic when AC/DC is coursing through the sound-system. My toes are tapping, my reflexes are sharp, and the super-jackpots just start adding up. Pretty soon, you’ve got 66 million and you get to enter your initials into the machine as the top scorer. Then you pull out your camera-phone, snap a quick pic, and post it on your blog to incite a jealous rage. All in a days work for the WIZ.

As promised, here are some highlights from last night’s Halo 2 showdown.

• My wife’s comment proved prophetic. I skipped dinner to play Halo 2 all night. This was partially due to lack of hunger. I thought ahead, and gorged myself almost to the point of physical illness at an all-you-can eat lunch buffet at Eatzza Pizza. Excellent foresight on my part. I was basically preparing for a Halo 2 hibernation. I could honestly last through the winter on that one meal… I figured I will be far less physically active in the coming months, and I probably won’t mate, so really my only concern at this point is just maintaining body temperature.
• I took great pride in teaching Solo the art of the Coldcock, the most demoralizing and efficient way to kill an opponent. It’s become my trademark move, and it’s not a secret I part with easily. I only regret that I didn’t somehow pull a Mr. Miyagi to trick Solo into sanding my deck or waxing my cars in exchange for the training…

  For those of you unfamiliar with the Coldcock, here’s how it works:

  First, you must sneak up behind you opponent. Before they realize you are there, you deliver a single blow with the butt of your gun to the back of their head that kills them instantly. The best part of this move is that you essentially send a message that their life isn’t even worth wasting a bullet to end. God, I live for delivering Coldcocks. Seriously, the only way this could be any more humiliating would be if you could somehow administer a wedgie in the process as well…

• Krusty left a message on my cell phone. The only way to describe the tone of his voice was giddy. It was obvious that he had either received a horse tranquilizer full of morphine, or he had spent the last 10 hours playing Halo 2. It was the latter that proved correct. His message rambled on for several minutes about laser swords and so forth until he finally passed out from elation. I managed to gather that he had gotten a chance to play Halo 2 down in Cali and it had changed his life. I am apprehensive to tell him this, because I don’t want his head to explode from trying to comprehend something like this, but here goes… Krusty, Halo 2 is even better online. Strap on the headphones with the rest of us, and you’ll find that there is nothing better in life than coldcocking your friends from thousands of miles away.
• The game moves much quicker now, but I fear it is at the expense of strategy. I guess it only impacts those of us that play Halo like we’re Gary Kasparov.
• Moment of Irony: A few times we experienced some minor difficulties waiting for the game to load. Each time this happened, someone in our group would curse all the other geeks online that were slowing the server down.
• Solo came through with the funniest observation of the evening. When Dave’s sister, Denise, (aka The Manhandler) joined our group, Solo had this to say, “Every time you hear a high-pitched voice playing online, you just assume it’s a ten year old boy. Every once it in awhile, it turns out to be a girl playing vids, and then you’re like ‘Whoa..”

We may still be scratching the surface of this topic…

I’ve gotten a slew of emails today asking if I was nerdy enough to camp outside Best Buy last night to be the first in line to purchase Halo 2 on its release date… Surprisingly, I was not.

I did however pick up a copy today on my lunch break. This was after I had gone online to check the inventory and availability at local retailers. You see, I was on a mission of infinite dorkiness, and I used all the tools at my disposal.

On my drive to Best Buy I viewed every car in front of me as the potential individual that would purchase the last copy before I got into the store. This made it easier on my conscience to justify running them off the road. What if I missed out on the last copy? What am I capable of? I began to prepare myself for what my reaction would be in case this scenario played out…

Would I:
a) Drive to another store and repeat the process indefinitely.

b) Attempt to snatch a copy from a 14 year old in line at the register and have him subsequently kick my ass.

c) Realize that a video game could never provide true happiness.

d) Curse the fact that I failed to put my Zillion Dollar Idea of bulk purchasing 500,000 copies of Halo 2 and undercutting retailers by selling them directly from my home into motion. (Btw, this is an actual idea I came up with. I even created spreadsheets crunching the numbers and sought advice from web developers. I could have been so rich by now it’s not even funny.)

e) Come to grips that I wouldn’t be the first person on my block to own the most highly anticipated video game in history.

f) Take a deep breath, crack my knuckles, and begin an epic killing spree…

As I walked into the store, contemplating all of these options, I was relieved to find they had an ample stock on hand. Aside from having to put up with a sales associate trying to up sell me the collector’s edition, with a DVD documenting the making of Halo 2, it was virtually a hassle free experience. (On a side note, I took great offense that the sales associate thought I was nerdy enough to be interested in watching a documentary about the creation of a video game. This is a new low for me.)

Aside from posting these thoughts on Zillionaire on company time, I also took the opportunity to read through the instruction manual for Halo 2 at my desk. Needless to say, I will not be receiving the coveted “Employee of the Decade Award” anytime soon. Unfortunately, I didn’t see any mention of a flamethrower being added to the weapons arsenal, one of the rumored improvements in the sequel. They did however add a laser sword, so maybe that makes up for it. I’ll have to give it some more thought.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need race to home with utter disregard to pedestrians and other motorists. There’s a newly released video game to be played! We’ll soon find out if that excuse will stand up in court…

And finally, I’ll warn you right now, there is likely more to come on Halo 2…

Continuing on with the Rainbow Six theme, I thought I would elaborate on the personality profiles discussed briefly in the Comments section…

The Captain: Despite what the comments section may suggest, The Captain is not the rigid authoritarian his subordinates portray him as… The Captain is an experienced field commander that simply understands the strengths, weaknesses and tendencies of his teammates and the enemy. Armed with this knowledge and a machine gun, he uses these assets to lead his team in an ongoing hunt for terrorists…

As a general rule, Captains are created, not appointed. It takes a dire moment of uncertainty on the battlefield, where lives are on the line and the mission objectives hang in the balance. The soon-to-be Captain looks into the vacuous, indifferent or bloodshot eyes of his fellow teammates and comes to the realization that any hope of success in the mission lies completely in his hands. When he ultimately leads them to victory, his role is cemented. Going forward, the greatest burden on The Captain is not surviving the war around him, but simply maintaining some degree of discipline and focus with a platoon filled with the personalities listed below…

Along for the Ride: Somehow, this person always has full health. No matter how intense the firefight, they seem to emerge completely unscathed. This is no accident, as this individual routinely positions himself behind another player for a human shield. Also, he usually is equipped with a sniper rifle, so that he can shoot enemies from great distances to accumulate the safest possible kills. Along for the Ride’s main objective is to simply survive as long as possible, even if it means demonstrating the cowardice of George McFly (before he fought Biff) in the process. While this person usually manages to survive for the duration of most missions, his act eventually runs thin…

The Glory Hog: This person picks and chooses his moments of bravery, but it will always be at the expense of the mission objectives and when very little danger is present. For example, The Glory Hog will never miss an opportunity to abandon his position to notch a kill, especially when he’s supposed to be prudently covering teammates or disarming a dirty bomb. For this reason, The Glory Hog is not entrusted with any critical objectives, as he generally spends the better part of each mission polishing his medals, applying moisturizer or whitening his teeth.

The Martyr: This squad member will risk his own life to save the life of a teammate or to insure the prolonging of the mission. For instance, The Martyr will place himself directly between a hostage and enemy gunfire to prevent an assassination attempt by the terrorists. By placing himself squarely in harm’s way, the Martyr often will pay the ultimate price. However, The Martyr’s actions are not totally selfless… The Martyr wants to die just to receive posthumous recognition for valor from his other teammates. Secretly, The Martyr hopes his surviving squad members will rally around his death and carry on the mission to seek vengeance in his name. The Martyr can stand to be gone, as long as he is not forgotten…

The Grieving Widow: This teammate takes a little too long to come to grips with the loss of a teammate. And for the record, the definition of “a little too long” is any length of time greater than one second. The Grieving Widow syndrome usually occurs when The Martyr has sacrificed his life for theirs. Feeling indebted to this person, The Grieving Widow will usually deliver the two-sentence eulogy every Martyr wants to be remembered by…

The Grieving Widow: “Wow, McSex came out of nowhere and just saved my life… I’ll have to name my first-born after him!!!”

The Overreactor: His philosophy is simple: No threat is too insignificant that it can’t be met with several grenades and intense, indiscriminate machine gun fire. The term “loose cannon” comes readily to mind. Being shot at by a video game terrorist is actually taken personally. If this player had a button on their controller that could make his character smear “Braveheart” war paint all over their face, scream an exalted battle cry and charge into a hornet’s nest of enemies it would be used constantly.

Cannon Fodder: The one teammate on which all other squad members silently agree is at best a profound annoyance and at worst a total detriment to the mission. Sadly, Cannon Fodder has no idea his life is completely expendable in the eyes of his teammates.

Sometimes “Along For the Ride” evolves into Cannon Fodder once teammates with only a shred of health determine that “Along for the Ride” hasn’t been pulling his weight. At this point, “Along for the Ride” will be pushed to the front of the unit where most attacks (and casualties) are rendered. Usually, the last sentence this individual hears is: “Ok, we’ll guard this empty parking lot, you go inside their ammunition stronghold and serve the terrorists with this UN resolution.”

Map Illiterate: In real life, my navigational skills are comparable to Gilligan’s. Surprisingly, I don’t fall into this category while video gaming. Somehow, I can look at a nebulous video grid with moving dots and flashing symbols and translate it like an air traffic controller.

Here’s an example of a typical exchange with someone who’s map illiterate:

Map Illiterate: “Where are you guys?”
McSex: “Look at the map screen…”
Map Illiterate (after a long pause): “Am I the flashing dot? What does the blinking triangle represent? I just walked over a bridge… Does that appear on the map somewhere?”
McSex (sighing): “Alright. We’ll come find you. We need a signal though… Drop several live grenades at your feet. The explosions and smoke trail will lead us to you…”
Map Illiterate: “Ok, thanks. That sounds like a good plan. All set. The grenades should be exploding any sec-”

Unfortunately, depending on how the mission is progressing, and the level of patience other teammates are feeling, Map Illiterate can frequently be reclassified as Cannon Fodder…

The Girl Scout: Does his best, but is frankly more suited to selling thin mints door-to-door than systematically killing terrorists. The Girl Scout is consistently at the bottom of the list when it comes to kills, life expectancy, and testosterone.

The Intoxicated: Long pauses, slurred speech, and slowed reaction times are trademarks of The Intoxicated player. While they bring no discernable skills to the mission, they do provide lively conversation and usually don’t mind (or notice) if they are accidentally killed by friendly fire. On a side note, The Girl Scout always enjoys playing with The Intoxicated, as it dramatically improves his odds that he won’t be the first to die.

The Malcontent: This team member strives to undermine the authority of The Captain above all else. There are varying degrees to which this disdain for leadership is felt and expressed. Sometimes it can be harmless acts of rebellion like a “Kick Me” sign on the back of a commanding officer. Often, the Malcontent will impersonate The Captain and issue mock orders in the same manner the Captain would use:

The Malcontent: “Ok, everyone. We need to regroup immediately and cease having fun. This is a mission-critical objective people. Any fun taking place will cause me to abort the mission entirely!”

At his worst, The Malcontent will actually sabotage the mission with treasonous orders that other teammates may unwittingly fall for…

The Malcontent (disguising voice): “This is your Captain talking… I think I might be a terrorist. Frankly, we can’t take the risk that I’m not. I am issuing a directive that I am to be shot on sight immediately.”

(This technique is especially effective if The Intoxicated or The Overreactor are members of the squad…)

Side Conversationalist: Unknowingly, this person will hold conversations with the outside world over his headset while his anti-terrorist platoon listens in. Most of the time, these are “Yes, dear” conversations with our wives/girlfriends that serve to emasculate us in front of our friends.

However, Ole_Cool, a lawyer in real life, takes it to a whole other level. He will often answer a client’s call to his cell phone and proceed to discuss their legal woes in great depth without turning off his headset. Let me say right now, it is extremely difficult to resist the urge to chime in with advice like “Plead insanity!!!” or “Bribe the judge!!” during his legal counseling. Apparently, as far as Ole_Cool is concerned, every member of his platoon shares in the attorney-client privilege.

The “Cover Me” Guy: This person will suspend all common sense and decide to take a ridiculously foolish risk in the game. Of course, the expression “Cover Me” originated sometime in the 80’s with wildly unrealistic cop movies like Lethal Weapon. The unfortunate by-product of these movies is a generation of Martin Riggs wannabe’s that thinks they can accomplish a suicide mission by simply ordering their partners to “Cover Me.”

Here’s an example of how it ties in with Rainbow Six:

The “Cover Me” Guy: “You see that building where the heavily armed Tangos have superior positions and are well-fortified? I’m gonna run in there with this Swiss Army knife and fight them all hand-to-hand. Cover me.”
McSex: “Ok… Or, you know, we could just sneak in through the back alley…”
The “Cover Me” Guy: “That’ll take too long. Just Cover Me. I’m goin’ in!!!!”

Of course, when The “Cover Me” Guy is subsequently killed in horrific fashion from a barrage of enemy gunfire, he naturally blames his death on his teammates for not “covering” him. Practicing social Darwinism, The Captain of the squad is utterly content to the team “naturally” thin itself…