Internet Zillionaire

• not hiding under the pile of dirty laundry in my closet
• not in the Netflix envelope
• not at the bottom of this Jameson bottle
• not on milfhunter.com
• not under the rock i crawled under for the last month
• not playing hours of halo 2 on xbox live
• not vacationing in the bahamas alone
• not in the furniture someone else left out on the street that i brought up and furnished my apartment with
• not walking down the street, looking all cute, waiting for a random stranger (me) to say hi
• not waiting twenty extra minutes to sit in the front car of the Cyclone roller coaster at Coney Island
• not catching a glance of me walking around the apartment naked, pausing at length in front of the windows
• not in line at mickey d’s ordering off the dollar menu
• not on the other end of a telemarketing call
• not in a perfume-scented fan letter to Scarlett Johansson or Avril Lavigne
• not behind the counter impressed i’m buying 24 rolls of toilet paper and an 8 pack of oscar meyer hotdogs
• not at the laundromat folding my pit-stained white tees
• not in the random playlist on my ipod
• not in the macrumors.com forum customizing her avatar
• not on casual encounters on craigslist
• not in the fat knocked out of my george-forman-grilled boca burger
• not in the deep recesses of my depressed mind

Seriously, I’ve looked everywhere I can think. What else is a guy to do?

Believe it or not, I actually know someone in the fragrance industry. And she works at Calvin Klein no less. Naturally, whenever I get the opportunity to see her, I try and help her out with a few pitches for new fragrances. It’s the least I can do.

Let’s face it, fragrances these days have gotten too predictable. Perfumes for women, generally, smell like flowers or fresh produce. Seriously, this is the best you can come up with? I can smell flowers anytime, just by swinging by the local botanical garden or funeral home.

And colognes for men are even worse. We’re supposed to smell like abstract or philosophical concepts. Truth. Be. Eternity. All of these are actual Calvin Klein fragrances. I suppose it sounds better than “Gullible” or “Desperate” which is what you actually smell like.

Anyway, for the record, I don’t wear cologne. No need. I have a rich, natural musk. Of course, if Calvin Klein had his way, my wife would probably smell like lavender peaches and I would smell like immortality. Somehow this makes sense in the fragrance industry.

As you can see, some fragrance innovation is long overdue. Here are some of my ideas:

Summer Barbeque for Women: Nothing will attract a man’s attention quite like the scent of a slab of meet cooking over an open flame. Ladies, with a sprinkle of Summer Barbeque, you can be the slab of meat that will get his mouth watering.

Seriously, try this one at home. Just dab a little barbeque sauce behind your ear, or sprinkle some A1 Steak Sauce on your wrist before your next evening out. Ask my wife. It will drive your man wild.

Flammable for Men: As the name suggests, this fragrance is 100% pure gasoline. The unmistakable scent of any flammable liquid always creates panic in a crowd of people. Danger is present. Ha! Not only do you laugh at danger, but you wear it on your sleeve. And you even splash a little danger on your neck. Why not, you’ll shoot a squirt or two of danger down your boxers as well. Just don’t blink. And don’t stand near an open flame.

Of course, this one might be a tough sell at $50 per bottle, considering it is readily available at any gas station for about $3 per gallon. We’ll let the marketing guys figure it out.

New Car Smell for Women: Rollback the odometer, ladies! This youthful fragrance will persuade any man to kick the tires, look under the hood, and take a test drive. Buy or lease, the financing options are on your terms (on approved credit).

Freshly Cut Grass for Men: A manly scent, outdoorsy and clean. Whether it be manicuring the lawn at home, or spending the day on the links: This is the scent for men that work hard and play hard.

And yes, I entertained the idea of crafting my own homemade version of this scent. If grass stains weren’t so hard to get out, I would seriously smell like my front lawn right now.

Bacon for Women: Mmmmmm… bacon. This versatile fragrance is just like the pork product: salty, greasy and enticing at any time of the day. Think about it: Add bacon to a side of eggs, a burger, a pizza, even a salad, and it transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. It’s the little black dress of fragrances; Bacon will deliciously suit your needs for any occasion.

E.R. for Men: The scent of cheating death. E.R is a combination of perspiration, antiseptics, and a few pints of lost blood. We’ll provide the scent, the harrowing tale of your near demise is up to you.

You could say that I’m a decent employee. I follow the gist of the dress code. I generally show up within 15 minutes of when I am supposed to be at work. You know, reasonable lateness. I very rarely take naps at my desk. And while I am mildly disgruntled, I’m not (yet) acting out my frustrations by urinating in the office coffee pot or something.

Sure, there is room for improvement. And perhaps this is why our Intranet site at the office began posting motivational quotes. Whenever I went online to check my benefits or print out a new phone list, an inspiring quote awaited me. At first, these quotes were wildly absurd homilies about the joys of hard work. Lately though, it appears the company has chosen quotes that are a little more realistic for our corporate culture.

And yes, these are actual quotes that have appeared on our Intranet site over the last few days…

1. “Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.” ~ Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch-Tartakower

First off, I do love a good Grigorievitch-Tartakower quote. He’s like a chess-playing Confucius. But seriously, I started to think about how his words would actually help me at work.

In essence, the message appears to be, “always look to capitalize on the mistakes of others.” In general, this is an outstanding credo to live by. And at my company, mistakes, oversights, and errors are in constant abundance. Evidently, it is corporate policy to start using these miscues to enrich myself. Thankfully, I have this Intranet quote as justification for whatever malfeasance I end up committing. (Crossing fingers that this will stand up in court.)

2. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Ok, I’m starting to get paranoid. Who exactly are my enemies around here? Here’s my list of potential suspects:

Our competitors: The obvious choice, but ultimately, I think they’re too busy being profitable and successful.

Our customers: Generally speaking, they are more victims than enemies.

My Boss: I wouldn’t categorize him as an enemy, necessarily. Sure, our relationship can be adversarial, in a cartoonish sort of way. Him, the Wile E. Coyote trying increasingly elaborate ways to get me to do work, and I, the cunning roadrunner narrowly eluding productivity every time. Sticking with this metaphor, I simply avoid whatever project he tries to slap on my desk like it was an anvil being dropped overhead. Meep! Meep! (Cloud of dust)

My Coworkers: Change that… My Co-employees. The word “Coworkers” is misleading, as it implies some actual work is being done around here. As far as enemies go, there is actually some validity to this one. I’ll single out just a few: The Guy that takes the last cup of coffee and doesn’t make a new pot. The guy that has an annoying cell phone ring that I can hear across the building. And finally, the guy that basically loiters outside the building by taking four hours worth of smoking breaks per day.

3. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are more stupid than that.” ~ George Carlin

Why is this on our Intranet site? Shouldn’t this be part of our mission statement instead?

Again, how does this help me at work? Am I supposed to factor in this ratio in dealing with my coworkers? Seriously, it’s not like I need the Office Intranet to offer confirmation that incompetent morons surround me.

4. “Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before. ” ~ James Buckham

So my job is a trial, meant to be endured? And by slogging through my job, my only reward will be spiritual growth? And I’ve got what, 30 years of this until retirement? Honestly, with quotes like this, the Office Intranet is only validating my disgruntlement.

Below, I’m pleased to present the final installment of the series of posts centering on my ten-year high school reunion…

Drivers Ed was essentially about memorizing procedures, which were a series of meticulous steps addressing every possible aspect of driving. Even ludicrous situations like driving down the freeway and having the hood fly up like in the movie “Tommie Boy” had detailed instructions we memorized to avoid disaster. And naturally, none of these steps was to panic and steer blindly into a crowd of innocent civilians. Now aside from a Chris Farley movie, when would this ever happen? Of course, Drivers Ed instructors would have you believe this occurs nearly every day on their commute to work.

And when we did our driving tests, not only did all of these various procedures have to be performed, but also performed in order. Check parking brake. Fasten Seat belt. Double-check parking brake. Adjust seat. Check mirrors. Release the parking brake. Check cleanliness of ashtray… Seriously, space shuttles can launch faster than this.

But all of these procedures had to be memorized and done perfectly in order before we could depart. They basically forced us to develop obsessive-compulsive personality disorders just to drive a car. Honestly, you pretty much had to be Rain Man to get your license.

Of course, the best part was when you missed a step. You always knew it too, because the instructor would just shake his head in utter disgust. Futilely, I would set and release the parking break a few times and perform pronounced checks of my blind spot, hoping I’d get lucky and randomly execute whatever step I missed.

The funny thing was, every missed procedure somehow resulted in the horrific death of an imaginary pedestrian. Keep in mind; we weren’t even on the road yet. Usually, we were the only car in an empty parking lot. But the instructor would turn to you, and point out how you failed to check the litterbag in the vehicle, and how this oversight just killed an innocent civilian.

And as far as imaginary pedestrians go, it was never an ordinary jogger or something. It was always a mother of nine, in a wheelchair on her way to getting a bone marrow transplant. And you killed her. How do you live with yourself?

When we weren’t on the road we were stuck with the simulators. Of course, the only thing being simulated was our attention span for this BS. Now, the simulators were just that, a fake car interior, with a projector showing imaginary road conditions in front of us. Since it was pretend driving, we usually practiced something totally ridiculous like driving across an oil slick during a monsoon.

As you might expect, the simulators replicated the interior of a 72 Oldsmobile. That was the most ironic thing… It’s a simulator. Why couldn’t they simulate us driving a nice car? It’s all for pretend anyway. Nope, they wanted us to get lots of practice simulating the experience of driving a total piece of crap. Honestly, I think they even had simulated pedestrians laughing at us as we drove by.

In the end it was worth it. Even though I endured lots of public humiliation and developed an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, at least I had the freedom to drive myself to get psychiatric therapy once I had my license. All thanks to Drivers Ed.

Reunion Speech:

Finally, if you would like to download the full-length video clip of the reunion speech (rated PG-13) I delivered to my classmates, you can access it here. Simply right click on the “Download Now” button and save the file to your computer.

I think it’s enjoyable regardless of whether you went to my high school or if you are drunk while viewing it. My audience was both of these things, so that certainly aided my performance.

Note, it’s a big file (50 MB) so be sure you’re Comcasting (new corporate verb!) some high-speed Internet. Also, this link expires in seven days, so if you find that this link is broken, shoot me an email and I’ll repost it.

Finally, thanks for humoring me on my Al Bundy-like fixation on high school memories of late. As of last night, I stopped sleeping in my letterman’s jacket, so this site should be returning to normal shortly.