To: Fellow Zillionaires
RE: A Grave Mistake
First, please forgive the fact that this memo isn’t printed on official Zillionaire stationery.
Now, I caution you to maintain your temperance in these trying times. I understand the cause for alarm. After reading the comments section, the thought of Krusty missing out on the christening of the Zillionaire’s Lounge seems unfathomable. It would be like the president missing out on his inauguration.
Krusty’s possible absence raises serious questions. Who will perform the splits with reckless abandon? Who will crack open beers with their teeth? Who will make drinks so potent that they inevitably lead to public indecency? I will admit, when I began crafting the bar in my basement, I did so with Krusty in mind. I was like Kevin Costner in “Field of Dreams.” Believe me, I am as saddened as you are that Krusty will not be in attendance.
But please, I implore you to look back on some recent history:
- First, let’s not forget our Las Vegas trip. It happened to be scheduled on the same weekend as his brother’s wedding back in Washington. Now at this time, Krusty was living in California. Somehow Krusty managed to traverse the country in 48 hours to make appearances at his brother’s wedding and at the Spanish 21 table in Vegas. To this day I have no idea how he pulled all of this off, but I’m pretty sure a DeLorean with a Flux Capacitor was involved.
- And then there was the Halloween Party of 2002. We went with a “Saturday Night Live” theme that year. Krusty flew up for the weekend so that he could perform an endless array of keg stands in a Matt Foley costume. He was in rare form, as I found him passed out in eight different rooms of our house throughout the evening. It was almost as if the spirit of Chris Farley had possessed him that night…
- There was never any doubt that Krusty would attend my bachelor party. Yet again, he flew up from California to insure that everyone in attendance would get near fatal cases of alcohol poisoning.
- And when I got married, Krusty found a way to deliver head spins on the dance floor into the wee hours of the morning. Others had gone to bed, or simply refrained from break dancing, but not Krusty. This is what wedding memories are made of…
- And finally, let’s also give credit to Maleah, who not only gives the green light on these adventures, but also has to deal with the aftermath. She is the one usually stuck transporting a passed-out Krusty, or cleaning up a puke-stained Krusty, or tracking down a misplaced Krusty when all is said and done. She is truly an unsung hero.
The point I am trying to make here is this: It would be a grave mistake to impugn Brother Krusty for missing the festivities. As evidenced above, he’s proven himself a true Zillionaire in every regard. I know that he would call in hourly bomb threats just to delay his flights home if that is what it took. I know he would shoot himself out of a cannon if that was the only means of travel available to get to Spokane. And I’m sure that he has looked at pawning some of Maleah’s jewelry to pay for the airfare.
The bottom line is, I know that there is nowhere he would rather be than at the christening of the Zillionaire’s Lounge, and almost no sacrifice he wouldn’t bear to make it happen. Those are the characteristics of a true friend and a quintessential Zillionaire. Krusty, you will be sorely missed, but not forgotten…