Zillionaire’s Lounge

Last year for Christmas my brother-in-law gave me a tool belt. It’s actually gotten a ton of use. I’ve spent the last 754 consecutive weekends dressed up like Schneider from “One Day at a Time.”

You see, I’ve been spending a lot of time in my basement. I’ve been inhaling radon gas and avoiding natural light. I’m constantly covered by a fine layer of fiberglass and sawdust. My skin is pale and my eyes have become beady. I’m seriously about three weekends away from looking like the crypt keeper. But, all of this was for a good cause: I’m building a lounge suitable for a Zillionaire…

It hasn’t been without danger. At one point, we had a table saw, a jigsaw, a circular saw, a miter saw and a rotozip operating within three feet of each other. Miraculously, I didn’t lose a finger. Truthfully, I owe it all to thousands of hours of video games. Dodging spinning blades, fireballs, or spikes shooting up from the floor is all in a day’s work. Thankfully, I didn’t have to slay a dragon or fight a Dark Jedi in my basement, as sometimes that takes a couple of lives, let alone a few fingers.

The blade guard on the miter saw actually broke off a couple of weeks ago. This meant that a ten-inch blade of death could spin freely, in the open, without any sort of protection or cover. Did we just use a different saw? Of course not. Did we try and fix it? No, too time consuming. Did we in any way try to compensate for the utter lack of safety involved? No. The solution: We all just agreed to “watch out” for the ten inch blade spinning in our work space and to max out our “Accidental Death and Dismemberment” insurance.

Seriously, before I even got started in the basement, I made a list, and tried to accomplish everything I always wanted to do with ten fingers. I gave quite a few piano recitals, did some hand modelling, and gave a lot of high-fives. I didn’t hesitate to give other drivers the finger, as I figured it might soon be a luxury I’d have to live without.

There is still lots of work to be done, and I may yet wind up with prosthetic hooks for arms, but so far things are going well… Soon, there will be a grand unveiling, and Zillionaires from across the country will descend on this lounge, and those events will be chronicled on this site…

More to come…

5 thoughts on “Zillionaire’s Lounge”

  1. Matt I think down deep you enjoy working on your basement.
    Matt, who is more adept at handling a robo-zip [a fairly new tool to the market place]? Is it Matt with 1,247,647 hours on the A_B button or Ralph with zero hours and 80% of his fingers? Even with an additional 1.2 milion hours playing video games your skill levels will not match Ralphs!
    Did you notice how your skills with a paint brush has increase exponentially as you used the real thing? That imaginary light sabre has no effect on your brushing technique. Matt throw away the video controls; pick up a hammer and conquer the REAL world.

  2. The best moment was when Grandpa said he intentionally takes the (sissy) safety shield off all his saws when he works and he was asked if that was before or after he lost the tips off 3 fingers!

  3. I will have to step up as a man and take my public flogging. I will not be able to attend the grand openening of the lounge. I know that no excuse is acceptable so I won’t go into dramatic plot twists that have led to this unfortunate state of affiars. So please MR and all others go ahead and let me have it.

  4. Krusty, I believe that I have already told you how much of a loser you are for not coming, but public humiliation is always better. Thank you for admitting it on the site. Wow, I just saw Vern Fonk’s new commercial, what a day!

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