I’m Outta Here


My son Charlie clearly had enough of the womb. Even though it meant being born seven weeks early, he busted out last Thursday. After reflecting on his situation, I really can’t argue with his decision.

Consider the following:

The Food: For the entire gestation period, my wife has been force-feeding my son a steady diet of veggie bowls and yogurt smoothies. No prime rib. No pizza. No cheeseburgers. In other words, he’s been severely malnourished. You pretty much know the food is bad when the baby is actually looking forward to an exclusive diet of breast milk.

The Conversation: Trapped inside his mother’s uterus, my son was essentially a captive audience. And needless to say, my wife is not exactly Cedric The Entertainer. Essentially Charlie was forced to spend the last seven months listening to all of my wife’s interminable work stories. At least I had mobility, and could simply walk away mid-sentence during the third consecutive story about paper jams or the office printer being short of toner. Poor Charlie didn’t even have the dexterity to cover his ears. Frankly, I think he bolted just to hear something more stimulating, like the low buzz of hospital machinery.

The Television: There are few things more frustrating in life than to not be in control of the remote. I saw this coming once Gonzaga’s basketball season ended. Charlie was back to watching my wife’s sweet TV lineup of Desperate Housewives and The Gilmour Girls. In fact, I’m pretty sure all of this started during an episode of Oprah… Only it wasn’t labor. Charlie simply tunneled his way out like in the movie “The Shawshank Redemption.

So Charlie, I don’t blame you one bit. If anything, I’m surprised you were able to hold out as long as you did. In light of the circumstances, I’m convinced that you decided to bolt early just so you could hang with your Dad. Fellow Zillionaires, please welcome the newest member to our ranks: Charlie Ryan Ring, The Centaur Jr.


29 thoughts on “I’m Outta Here”

  1. Congratulations Ring family! Look for adorable, yet manly, knitwear in the mail soon (but not too soon). Does this mean that you beat the Booth family in the war of global domination?

  2. Congratulations! I was the guy that left the incoherent phone message… Anyway, that was nice of Charlie to shave his beard for the photo shoot. Hope to pay a visit to the whole fam damily soon!

  3. You forgot to mention how cute he is; Charlie is clearly the favorite in the neonatal unit. It’s kind of unfair to all the other preemie babies that the nurses all want to just stand near his bed for hours at a time, just gazing at his beautiful little face. I guess he’ll just have to get used to a life filled with adoring gazes, starting with many from this grandma!

  4. It was so great to see Charlie for the first time. He is a darling little boy and I can’t wait to help spoil him.

  5. Maleah-
    Yes, Charlie may have won this round, but this will be the last competition I ever lose to that member of the Ring family.

    (the yet to be born) Booth Jr.

  6. Thanks a lot Matt and Jeannette for spreading the baby fever. I believe my wife has become infected. Charlie is an absolute miracle. I am looking forward to corrupting him as soon as possible. Katie and I are so happy for both of you. You will both be amazing parents. Let us know when we can get tickets to the “No Holds Barred Grandma Battle”.

  7. Fantastic, and a full head of hair at birth. The studliness starts early. Congratulations, I hope the sleepless nights and crappy diaper days are bliss.

  8. Not only does he have a full head of hair Krusty but he’s got back hair too. He’s by far the manliest baby in the NICU.

    Thanks everyone for your well wishes. Its nice to know so many people are thinking of us and little Chaz.

  9. Congratulations Matt & Jeannette! I am so happy for the both of you and especially little Charlie. I am glad to hear that you are all doing well!

  10. C’mon! What a new bundle of life! If he were a compilation cd, he’d be titled “Now That’s What I Call Offspring! Vol. 1” But he’s not, so I’m ecstatic to call him Charlie Ryan Ring. It truly is a name fit for royalty. Prince Charles. And it also fits for someone who is in charge. Charles in charge. I once remember a certain Chaplin who went by such a name as well. Alas, those were much silenter times.

    I’m so happy for you all and glad to know you are all doing well. I can’t wait to meet little Chaz. I have a hunch he wanted to get out early to get a leg up on the competition out there. I fully expect to see a picture of him up here in a week or two sitting at his desk in a suit and tie preparing his first taxes. I have a feeling that is like baptism in the Ring household.

    Love you all, Dave

  11. It is sad for my little guy that Charlie has more hair at negative zero than Aiden has at one. Incidentally they were just four days off from having the same birthday.

    Congratulations to the both of you and here’s to a healthy, happy Charlie!

  12. I wonder if Charlie would like the volcano jet? What, too early? Bah! I bet he’ll learn to surf the volcano jet before walking, saying “cowabunga!”. Think about the hangtime he will get. :) His first words are going to be “surf’s up, dad!”.

    Congratulations! Well wishes from Father Alexander. :) I can’t wait to meet him. Will you be over on this side anytime soon?

  13. I can’t wait to meet him soon! I am loading up the car with chicks and heading over for the shower end of the month so get ready for squeals of joy. Congrats Rings!

  14. Thanks everyone for the cards, flowers, gifts, emails, calls and comments. It is very much appreciated. As Zillionaires, I’m sure you all have a drink within easy reach right now, so please be sure toast Charlie at some point in your day. That’s the kind of welcoming a Zillionaire merits.

    I’m working on the tale of Charlie’s delivery, during downtime from the current chaos. It’s all part of being a parent though. For instance, I’ll be running all over town tomorrow getting Charlie fitted for a monocle… Once you have kids, you’ll understand.

  15. At last, a Zillionaire that can’t kick my but in Halo. (yet)

    We know the name JR gave him is Charlie Ryan. How about his real name? Do you have his xbox live screen name picked out yet?


  16. Congrats on the kid buddy. Glad to hear everyone is doing well. Yeah about the hair… That kid has more hair at, as Keech said, negative zero than Avery had at two! And Faith doesn’t have any hair either… I guess it’s fitting since I’m already losing mine!

    On another note. Holy crap! That couldn’t be Colette Cove posting could it?!?!?!?

  17. Yes, it is I, the nerd of EHS formerly known as Colette Cove. I do have to agree that Charlie does have an admirable head of hair. My daughter has very little hair and is losing more everyday.

    And may I say that a balding Gabe Smith is a very scary thought!

  18. It’s not bad balding, but balding some nonetheless… But it’s in the back, which I’d prefer to the front, so it’s not all bad…

    I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to for all these years Colette… My email is gabe.smith@mercer.com

  19. Little Charlie is even cuter in person, I met him this weekend. Can’t wait to watch him grow up!

  20. Johnny–

    Do you need me to take over writing for bit? I can torture everyone with my witless, lack of humor. I will unknowingly interject some poor grammar, and bad spelling.

    Any takers?

  21. Congratulations! He’s such a cutie! So how long before you have him chopping wood and prooving his general manliness? By the way, I’m dying to send a goofy little outfit that I know Jeannette will love but will make you cringe but I can’t find your address. Can you help a sister out?

    Lots of love to all three of you,

  22. Welcome Charlie “Centaur Jr.” Ryan King :D

    Now in a few years help your dad spread all the dude-ness around the internet ;)


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