The Netflix Queue Restraining Order

Dear Netlix Queue Stalker,

It has recently come to our attention that Netflix registered user, InternetZillionaire, requested that you be served with a Netflix Queue Restraining Order for inappropriate use of his current Netflix movie queue. In his complaint, he supplied the following anecdote to justify his actions:

“Mackenzie and I were coworkers in real life. Over time we became friends in real life. One day I thought, hey, we are both Netflix customers so I should add her as a “friend” on the Netflix website where we can recommend movies to each other, send messages back and forth, and generally extend our friendship into the virtual world. But then I quit my job and moved far away. Mackenzie and I didn’t communicate as often. We drifted apart, naturally, the way friends drift when they are focused on other things. No animosity, just a slight drift. Weeks go by with no communication then I get an email out of the blue from her. She’s curious to know if my recent rental, Denise Austin’s Fat-Blasting Yoga, is really BLASTING away the fat. I already felt stupid enough getting a dvd with that title and then she throws it back in my face! I tried to come back with a corny joke about the dvd not even coming with a laser gun, but we both could sense the humiliation in my stilted, brief email response. Things just haven’t been the same since. I want to get back at her in some petty way for thinking I could take the joke. Doesn’t she know by now that I can dish it out but can’t take it.”

The Netflix Queue Restraining Order has the following stipulations:

1. You cannot surf within two clicks of InternetZillionaire’s Netflix movie queue.

2. You will only be able to view your other friends’ queues if you register with the Netflix Queue Abuser Rehabilitation Plan wherein you meet in a chat room with a Netflix Queue Rehabilitator and go over the Netflix Queue FAQ. Q by q.

3. The small purple “friend” icon that currently appears next to your name and movie suggestions will be replaced by a small graphic of a blood-stained knife with the word “Backstabber” underneath it. This is a permanent change. No undoes.

4. Once in a while, just to mess with your head, we will send you a video of Robin Williams doing spontaneous improv on some talk show. At first, you will laugh. But soon, you will beg for mercy. As if mercy could wipe those heinous memories away.

5. Two words. Late fees.

6. Because of the specific details of your offense, you will have to live with image of an ex-coworker doing yoga to a stupid dvd in his living room. Probably in his underwear because it gets so hot in there. And then you will be forced to answer the timeless quesion, “Could he be any more of a loser?”

This restraining order will be in effect on your account for two months as this is your first offense. If you get a second offense, things get a bit uglier. We immediately give up your account info to the NSA where they will begin a full analysis of your terrorist threat potential. It will suck. They will dig up all kinds of dirt on you. Dirt you thought you got out from under your fingernails in the late 1980’s. Guess what, they’ve got that dirt. In a jar. In a closet. In a lab. And they will get it out if they want to. So wise up now and save yourself a lot of hassle.

7 thoughts on “The Netflix Queue Restraining Order”

  1. I’ve never met Mackenzie, but I’d like to offer my services in her defense.

    It would be one thing if she had criticized your rental of a guilty pleasure, like Saved by the Bell, Season 3 or The Karate Kid. One could legitimately argue their entertainment value and timeless appeal. In that event, a temporary restraining order or some other slap on the wrist might be warranted.

    However, in this instance, she engaged in justifiable criticism. In fact, I think she should be the one putting sanctions on you. She should be allowed to commandeer your queue and stock it with appropriate titles for a 27 year-old man… as clearly, you are having trouble doing so.

  2. I only wish I was blasting the fat away with Denise Austin. As someone who spends a lot of time being ridiculed for my movie queue picks, I completely understand what you are going through. How can no one else in my household want to watch “The Corpse Bride”? I can only imagine what my “friends” would say if they saw the collection of dvds in the mail to me right now.

  3. I must wholeheartedly concur with The Centaur on the justifiable criticism from Mackenzie.

    Denise Austin’s Fat-Blasting Yoga?


    I mean, who doesn’t know that Denise Austin’s Shrink Your Female Fat Zones isn’t 1000 times better…

  4. Best part is, I read this, chuckled and thought “I didn’t even think to rent exercise videos, genius!”

  5. I think maybe if I rented the exercise videos I wouldn’t rent as many movies. It seems the more self esteem a person has related to how much they leave the house…So I wouldn’t get my weekly fix of movies I crave so much and would go broke because I would be out, drinking at the barsevery night, trying to pick up that good looking guy I thought I would never be able to take home for that meaningless one night stand…only to get up and do it over again…HHMMMM…Movies vs Getting Laid? Not sure how I feel about his yet…


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