You know, just in case you ever run into the guy:
1. He likes to make spreadsheets. Nothing too fancy, just diagrams to chart household expenses and whatnot. But the funny thing is, he doesn’t use Excel. He makes real spreadsheets. By hand. With actual graph paper. He’s got reams of it at his house for the creation of traditional, antiquated spreadsheets. Now fully retired, my Dad will spend hours making charts and graphs by hand. Not pie charts, necessarily, those are too hard. But he can make a sweet bar graph of the monthly electricity bill.
2. It’s a good thing “That 70’s Show” was cancelled last year. My Dad hated that show. The main reason? He doesn’t feel that it is an accurate depiction of the 1970’s. You can’t watch an episode with him without a muttered outburst of “people didn’t talk that way in the 70’s… this just isn’t realistic.” At these moments, I would remind him that the show isn’t meant to be a documentary on the 1970’s, but rather the 70’s are merely a backdrop for the sitcom. Of course, he hears none of it. And now that the show is broadcast in syndication 14 hours a day, I only fear his condition will worsen.
3. I can say this with absolute certainty: As you read this, my dad is either taking a nap or drinking a cup of coffee. Sadly, he’s not doing both. One day though, he’ll find a way to combine his two passions in life. I hear he’s working on filling a waterbed with coffee. It’s only a matter of time.
4. My dad likes things to be as plain as possible. If offered plain vanilla, he’d ask for something plainer. Thusly, when he goes to McDonalds, he wants his hamburger to be cheese-less. (He’s the only person I’ve ever met that prefers a regular hamburger to a cheeseburger.) Surprisingly, he actually has a lot of difficulty ordering an ordinary hamburger successfully. Half the time, he would get a burger not only without cheese, but without all the other condiments as well. And then the Atkins Diet craze happened. He’d go to McDonalds and order a plain hamburger, and end up getting just a meat patty with no bun. Finally, I think he just decided to get cheeseburgers like the rest of civilization. True story.
5. My Dad likes to find a way to make modern technology function as it’s earliest predecessor did when it was first invented. Accordingly, he set the ring tone on his cell phone to that of a rotary telephone. I’m thankful though. Whenever he gets a call, I get to say, “Dad, your phone is ringing, and it sounds like the 1940’s are calling…”
#5b. This just became a Top Six list, but I need to share one other anecdote. Suppose you are watching an NFL or college football game, and the camera pans to the players on the sideline. Unfailingly, the players will use the opportunity to mug for the camera and flash gang signs. Naturally, this has become my favorite aspect of televised football, because my Dad mimics the gang signs right back. He’s actually gotten pretty good at it too. Needless to say, my Dad is proud to represent the Eastside 420 Posse.
That’s it. Now, the next time you run into my Dad, you’ll have something to discuss.