One-Tenth of My Thoughts On French Toast

  • I would wager that I spend, on average, more time thinking about french toast than a french person. What does that say about the public school system of France?
  • If you grew up in one of the independent African nations that was once ruled by France and wanted to get rid of all signs of your former oppressors but still wanted the comfort that only a familiar breakfast food can bring would you go so far as to serve Burkina Faso toast? Is french toast an oppressive term?
  • Mark Russell-esque timely political one-liner: Did anyone ever get locked up for skipping out on a bill for “freedom” toast?
  • I secretly hope that if I eat enough french toast one day I will get a fancy envelope in the mail from the King of France awarding me knighthood. Sir French Toast, I like the sound of that.
  • Sir French Toast says, “Don’t make me too mushy. Nobody likes me when I’m too mushy.” Then he goes back to his hotel room, calls his buddies Lord Bacon and Duke Scrambie Eggs and they party together just like every other morning in the land of Awesomebreakfastville.
  • In the movie E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial they were originally going to use french toast in the famous scene where Elliot lured out the alien with Reese’s Pieces. The plan was scrapped when Speilberg decided it would be too distracting if the first time you saw E.T. he face was covered in brown, gooey syrup and he was burping uncontrollably like how you get when you eat french toast. Adding the backstory of someone making a bunch of french toast would have wasted precious screen time as well.
  • French toast is to pancakes as Butch Cassidy is to the Sundance Kid. All four are excellent to have in a gunfight or onboard a mid-morning flight with a movie.
  • If you actually look at it, french toast is not pretty. Add a little syrup, however, and it’s like sending french toast on The Swan.
  • When I order french toast I usually expect at least of couple of slices of toast on the plate. Sometimes, places try to fool you and give you less by cutting the slices differently. But I’m good with puzzles and I’m especially good at four-to-six piece puzzles so this trick doesn’t work on me.
  • It’s fine by me if you come drizzled with powdered sugar because I like to lick my lips when they turn that sweet dusty white. But I do get a little nervous around you because I know if I sneeze, poof!
  • Would an International House of French Toast send IHOP scurrying back to the drawing board? Is there room in the dodgey-breakfasts-with-absolutely-ridiculous-names business for the both of them?

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