The Theory of Naming Theories

ROAR! The Captive Lion is coming out of his cage! I’m tired of the psuedo-humor writing!

I have other sides of me. I have other desires. I want to write novels. I want to cure disease. I want to get Tivo! But most of all, I want to be famous for saying something really smart. Hear that world! I want to invent a theory!

First of all, it’s got to have a killer name! Most brilliant scientists get this all wrong. They come up with the theory first, and name it second. Sorry eggheads, dumb move. I’m gonna do just the opposite. I’ll come up with the name of my theory and then deal with the nitpicky details of what it proves.

Some rules for naming a theory:

  1. Got to have the word “theory” in it. This is no conjecture, point, or hypothesis. I’m gunning for the big dogs here.
  2. The name should sound tough like an action movie, aka The Bourne Identity.
  3. There needs to be a vaguely-familiar, gigantic, multisyllabic word in there so people feel smart saying it.
  4. It definitely needs to start with the word “The” so that it can stand alone as if on solid rock.
  5. It would be awesome if it wore a yellow sleeveless t-shirt with holes cut into the back so that when it entered the wrestling ring against other theories it would immediately intimidate them by ripping off the shirt and throwing it into the audience!
  6. You should be able to imagine Jeff Goldblum playing the lead role in a movie that incorporates the theory.

So I sat around for a few seconds after thinking about those rules and the name hit me. It’s intriguing. It’s slighty mysterious. It’s smart sounding. It’s shamelessly derivative. It’s the figure-four leg-lock of theories. It’s coming to a theater near you. It’s…

The Galapagos Theory

Now I just need some ideas to wrap that name around and I’m all set. Any suggestions? I’ll give you half the credit in the history books as long as my name comes first.

14 thoughts on “The Theory of Naming Theories”

  1. This theory should include some long math equation that proves that the yellow line that marks first downs on TV football is the greatest invention ever. I mean seriously how did we ever watch football without that line. I need it more than air. Without it I would blindly wander around the world lost. Anyway that sounds like a good cause for a theory.

  2. So Jeff Goldblum called last night and long story short, he has signed on to buy the movie rights and play the lead role. He said he was not going to just rehash his character in Jurassic Park, however. Instead, he was going to rehash his science teacher character from Powder. I told him I couldn’t be happier. I loved Powder! The Galapagos Theory has a green light.

    Krusty, there will definitely be a huge equation on the wall at some point that proves that thing about the yellow line. I bet Jeff Goldblum will have solved it. The bulk of the theory has to be about something a little more convoluted I think.

  3. The Galapagos Theory:

    Despite the billions of people on the planet, we will only come in contact with a tiny fraction of a percentage of them. In the vast sea of people out there, we are all very small islands with a very small set of family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances who we will meet, get to know, talk, discuss, argue, and share our perspectives with. This closed system dictates our social evolution, favoring comfort and safety over dramatic growth or change. We can only push so far before we lose connection with our social support network.

    Over time, our personalities and roles evolve to become so specialized in our own social circles that we flounder when forced into new situations. If, by chance, an outsider comes upon our isolated island, we are met with a choice to engage or to remain the same. What we are willing to risk is in direct relation to what is possible to gain.

  4. how does pop culture/television carve into the fabric of these social circles? Is that the magic that is stringing us all together? television the great Oz! the _______syndrome=outside agent of change

  5. Let me guess, Miss Chantilly…

    Are you proposing the Miniature Double-ended Cornucopia Syndrome as a possible corollary notion to The Galapagos Theory?

    You just might be on to something there…

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