A Tale Of Two Body Hairs

Essentially, they both have the same purpose. They are designed to keep dirt, debris, germs and other pathogens out of our sensory organs. They are rigid black hairs, about a centimeter in length, located on our face. And though they may look and function the same, they are by no means equal.

One is an eyelash. The other is a nose hair.

One is beautiful. The other is disgusting.

My son was blessed with long eyelashes. I, on the other hand, am cursed with abnormally long nose hair.

When people meet my son, they often comment on his beautiful eyelashes. When people meet me, they generally douse me with holy water.

And there is really no reason for it. They are basically the same type of hair. The deck has just been stacked against nose hair. For starters, look at the name. Certainly, “noselashes” would be a much more positive term. Instead, it’s called nose hair. And everyone knows that hair is something you cut, trim or shave.

In my son’s case, the longer his eyelashes are, the cuter he becomes. He will never asked to trim them, or receive subtler messages like getting eye-hair grooming kits in his stocking.

Unfortunately, “society” has arbitrarily decided that long eye hairs are desirable. Consequently, women wear makeup to make their eyelashes look longer. Some even take it a step further, and buy completely fake eyelashes and adhere them to their eyelids. Conversely, you simply don’t see Revlon putting out makeup to make nose hairs appear more lustrous. And I doubt I’ll ever see a woman attaching fake nose hair to her nostrils. It’s a shame too, because I think it would be rather alluring.

That’s just the way it is. But you can be sure of one thing: The next time I lose a nose hair I’ll blow on it and cast a wish for body hair equality.

4 thoughts on “A Tale Of Two Body Hairs”

  1. A Tale of Two Body Hairs, eh Centaur Dickens? A literary and hygienic classic. Prime reading material for chimney sweeps and street urchins alike.

    You have summarized the early parts of the novel quite well. Allow me to skip ahead to Chapter 3, would you?

    Chapter 3: Navel Hair

    Why does every hair on my stomach point directly to my belly-button? It’s as if my navel is magnetic north, and each hair on my belly is the needle of a compass. I feel sorry for the hairless men and women out there who must stumble every morning to locate their lint-collectors. Mine has a half-million thick, coarse, dark arrows pointing directly at it.

    Oh, and by the way, Centaur Dickens, I just picked up your next novel and can’t wait to read it: All-Of-Her Twist-y Armpit Hair

  2. Nose hairs need be a problem no longer. Any early morning finger routing of the nostrils is a simple solution. Society looks down on this practice as taboo. I say what I pick in private wont scare small children.

  3. Oh man, if they were only attractive. I would be the most handsome guy on earth.

    However, I don’t “trim” my nose hairs. Instead, I yank them out in handfuls. My wishes are plentiful. If you need me to wish you one of my spare hairs, let me know.

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