Some Needed Improvements To My Cubicle

Foot traffic has been down lately, there’s no mistake about that. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time somebody stopped by and inquired about my bobbleheads. I’m actually considering putting dust covers on the two guest chairs in my cubicle. Sadly, I’m beginning to accept the fact that hanging out in my cubicle doesn’t have the same allure that it once did.

However, I intend to do something about it. Here are my ideas for making my cubicle an office destination once more…

A Nerf Mini Basketball Hoop: Technically, I already have such an item in my cubicle. But, if I had a second hoop, then I could get a full-court game going.

A Magic 8-Ball: How hilarious would this be? I could pretend to consult this item whenever a coworker asks me a ‘yes or no’ question. I know, in the real world, this shtick wouldn’t be funny at all. However, in the bland and sanitized world of office comedy, this would kill.

Velvet ropes: I want my cubicle to have an air of exclusivity. In conjunction with this, I’m going to designate the area by my filing cabinet as the VIP corner.

An Ashtray: I don’t smoke, but I consider this item to have great potential as a conversation piece. When people stop by and ask why I have an ashtray on my desk, I can respond thusly: “In the ’50’s it was commonplace for people in an office to sit and smoke at their desks all day long. In the event that fad ever makes a comeback, I’m ready.”

A Shrunken Head: The novelty items above are nice, but I think it would be fun to take it a step further and transform my cubicle into a curiosity shop/freak show. Perhaps, I could supplement my income by charging admission. And while they don’t have full beards, there are numerous old ladies in the office with some degree of facial hair. I’m sure if posted an ad on the company message board I could find lots of other freaks to round out the show.

A Giant Playland with a Ball Crawl: Admittedly, I’m stealing this idea from McDonalds. If any coworkers wander through my area with their small children, the ensuing tantrum will force them to stop by and hang out for a while.

A Bread Maker: I’m going on the record here, the bread maker is my favorite kitchen appliance. It does the full damn job. Start to finish. It mixes, kneads, cooks… My involvement is minimal. Just put the ingredients in and eat the output six hours later. When people stop by, we could share a slice of bread and I could impart wisdom about how great it would be our other coworkers were as thorough and diligent as the bread maker. Or, conversely, I could say our office functions like a bread maker in that it is very costly and produces unreliable results. I like appliances that lend themselves to multiple office metaphors.

Obviously, procuring these items will be difficult. If anyone has something from the list, I’m willing to offer a trade. My tape dispenser is of absolutely no use to me. I don’t even know why I have one. Seriously, who needs tape? Not once have I ever had an office situation that required taping two things together. It’s not like we’re doing arts and crafts in the afternoons. I’m not gift-wrapping any financial reports. Let me know if you’re interested.

In the meantime, I need to get to the mail room. With his shirt off, there’s a guy that works there that could pass for an ape-man.

6 thoughts on “Some Needed Improvements To My Cubicle”

  1. I had no idea you knew enough about breadmakers to use the fact that they produce ‘unreliable results’ in a metaphor. Since when have you even paid attention to the fact that some loaves come out to be half the size they should or that some are a little crispy on the bottom?

    I’m all for the ball crawl. Charlie and I would swing by more often if there were balls to crawl in. Have you considered an inflatable waterslide? That would draw the crowds hands down.

  2. You forgot about drugs. I have been seeing quite a bit of foot traffic and it has been due to crack-like drug that i feed my coworkers. this drug has them coming back for handfuls. Right now i offer it free just to “set the hook”. When thr time is right i will double charge and rake in the moolah! This crack-like drug is known as chocolate.

  3. Some of us seek riches and glory. Some of us just want a little cube fame. I like your style Centaur. You’ve got a great list of some crowd pleasers there. With the right attitude, they are all winners.

    As your list suggests, the trick to drawing a crowd to your desk, cube, or office is legwork. You’ve got to put in the legwork. I hate to say it, but it’s as simple as that.

    I used to have a desk near the office refridgerator and I would keep it stocked exclusively with Push-Ups. Nobody could turn down my impromptu Push-Up parties!

    Also, my workstation doubled as a DJ booth. I spun tunes 8 hours a day, every day. By switching my playlist, I could change who would come over to visit me. Suprisingly, everyone loves 80’s flashback day. Note: If you play your music loud enough, even your boss will come by to talk to you.

    One other tip: Don’t overdecorate your cube. The last person I want to make friends with at the office is the person whose gone overboard pimping their cube. It reveals an unhealthy addiction to Trading Spaces or an unhealthy need to lie to yourself that you aren’t at work. Neither is acceptable.

  4. I feel so sorry for all of you that are bound to the cube life. It almost makes me happy to make below minimum wage. I would recommend hosting little cube parties. Put out some snacks and have a famous office geek stop by to give the party credibility.

  5. This is a bit cheesy, but start holding birthday parties in your cube. Everyone has a birthday, and once you have one party, you are committed to have one for everyone so no one feels slighted. And make sure everyone sings Happy Birthday–NO lipsynching allowed. This often goes overlooked with more than a few people in the cubicle. Make the people who are late stand outside. Also, make them wait until the end for their cake, no passing it out to them. That’ll show them, and next time, they will be fighting to get upfront–like in church. This is guaranteed to take up an hour several times a month. I hope this helps.

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