The Krusty Force

All around us, there are forces of nature, such as gravity and magnetism, that act upon our world. However, there is another force of nature that you are probably unaware of, a power I like to call “The Krusty Force.

In essence, Krusty Force measures the comedic impact of someone accidentally destroying a functional piece of furniture through seemingly normal use. It is named after my good friend, and fellow Zillionaire, Krusty… for obvious reasons.

Here’s how it works: Krusty Force is created through the unfortunate mixture of leverage, awkward placement of body weight, and overall girth that puts undue pressure on a piece of furniture, causing it to instantly crumble into a worthless piece of garbage beneath you.

All of us have witnessed this phenomenon at one time or another. Perhaps it involved watching someone try to sit in an aluminum camping chair, only to see it immediately collapse into a twisted piece of scrap metal under their weight. Maybe you recall watching someone lean innocently against a table, forcing the legs to buckle and causing the offender to fall flat on the table while food and drinks spill onto the floor. The resulting finger pointing and laughter from onlookers is the product of Krusty Force.

Some of you might argue that these events could be explained through ordinary physics. I disagree, on the grounds that ordinary physics cannot measure the comedic impact of two objects colliding. That’s where the Krusty Force comes into play.

So how does one quantify Krusty Force? Well, mass and velocity must be taken into account, as well as four other important variables:

Quality of the Item Destroyed (Q$): Obviously, anyone can demolish a cheap piece of furniture without the use of Krusty Force. For that reason, furniture from IKEA is exempt from this analysis, as pretty much everything they sell is a rickety piece of garbage right out of the box. In fact, I believe that Saturday Night Live buys all of their prop furniture directly from IKEA, as everything they sell is basically constructed to turn to splinters under a Chris Farley belly flop right at the factory.

Timing and Irony (T&I): Just as a tree falling in the forest doesn’t make a sound, someone clumsily breaking a piece of furniture without an audience doesn’t get a laugh. Therefore, the Krusty Force is greatly increased when antiques, family heirlooms, or furniture belonging to in-laws or bosses meet their demise, especially before a significant crowd. And as you would expect, the more people present, and the more awkward the social situation, the greater the Krusty Force.

Restoration (R): Can the recently flattened piece of furniture be fixed and restored to its original condition? This is critical, and the answer must be “no.” While Krusty Force generally renders furniture completely useless, at the very least, the item must not ever be able to function as well or look right ever again. If not immediately discarded into a dumpster or set ablaze, the item must bear scars of its encounter with Krusty Force for the rest of its life. And in doing so, it will forever become more of a conversation piece than a piece of furniture.

Duplication (D): This aspect is tricky. First off, only a select few can wield the Krusty Force upon unsuspecting furniture. And those of us that can, do so unwittingly. Therefore, demonstrations of Krusty Force must happen completely by accident, causing witnesses to marvel that a piece of furniture they once thought sturdy could disintegrate so easily. In essence, the duplication factor measures how likely it would be for such a feat to inadvertently occur a second time.

To summarize, Krusty Force (KF) = (Q$ – R + T&I / D ) Mass x Velocity

Finally, as you might have guessed, my passion to study the phenomenon known as “The Krusty Force” was fueled over an episode that affected me personally.

We were playing a board game, I shifted my weight against the armrest of my chair, and it snapped instantly. This was a nice chair, made of solid pine, and it was part of our dining room set. While others laughed openly at my misfortune, I gasped in horror.

You see, I’m not particularly strong or heavy, yet I snapped the armrest like a toothpick. Knowing Krusty for 20 years, I realized that when no other known property of physics can properly explain the destruction of a piece of furniture, chalk it up to Krusty Force.

Facing the fact that I would spend the rest of my days wreaking havoc on innocent ottomans and coffee tables, I called the world’s foremost authority on the subject, hoping he could offer me some words of advice. Here’s what Krusty said:

“Well, you definitely need to pre-test every piece of furniture from now on. And you should always have a funny comeback in your head in case it does break, because people will always laugh at you.”

Fantastic. I guess I’ll just have to learn to live with it. Now that I am capable of wielding Krusty Force, the world is my China shop, and I am the bull.

5 thoughts on “The Krusty Force”

  1. Ah it long overdue for someone to dive head first into the dark mistress that is “Kusty Force.” Learn to imbrace it and you shall survive try and fight it and you will be crushed like an Ikea coffee table. I first realized how gifted I was with the Krusty Force at age 11 when I impossibly destroyed a metal swing set. Remeber with great power comes great resposibility. You must always be prepared to use this power to entertain all around you. Good luck and for god sake don’t buy anything else expensive.

  2. I think krusty might have some competition in this category.however I’m sure we’d go head to head in the finals, I might come out on top. since I was a baby a destroyed every favorite toy of my older brothers which would cause tears to flow (from him, not me). I was quickly nicknamed ‘mr. desrtucto.’ the best story was when I ripped the head of my my moms favorite toy, a Fischer price merry-go-round. my mom cried. I was 3.

  3. Succinct, funny, and your equation seems to have no discernible cracks. I believe you have hit your comedic stride–

  4. Your equation is beautiful. It’s like secretly-writing-it-on-the-hallway-chalkboards-of-MIT good. It’s Fields Medal worthy.

    What’s even better? You can plug it into spreadsheet. (I know you have already.) You can graph it. I’m breaking out my link cable for the TI-85 right now.

    Krusty does sound like quite the guru on the subject. Next thing you know, he will have an infomercial selling his “”Krusty Force” workout and life-coaching dvds. More power to him. As long as he realizes we own the rights to his autobiography.

  5. Oh wow it’s funny how things jog your memory. This instantly took me back to the duplex we lived in when I was finishing school. I believe I’d be disqualified though as I recall the chair in question perhaps being from IKEA. Anyway, it had become our computer chair. I was talking on the phone and went to sit down and the chair completely disintegrated. I almost killed myself and took out the whole computer desk in the process. It was quite the performance, though alas I was home alone at the time. I always wished someone had been there to witness it.

    Good read. It’s nice to have some activity around here again. Granted not much activity, but I’ll take what I can get.

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