Every year Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, gives a speech announcing new and upcoming products at MacWorld (a mac-only convention in San Francisco). His speech is known as “The Keynote.” Mac enthusiasts (or fanboys, as they are also known) the world over squirm in chatrooms and forums hyping themselves up for the event. They post rumors, fake concept drawings, and a lot of jibber-jabber using sentence after sentence that ends in an exclamation mark. But most of all, they post mountains of predictions.
I absolutely love it. I am pretty much a fanboy.
Confession: I have a macrumors.com account. I have posted there once.
Well, today is the 2008 Keynote so I want to bring some of the excitement of the fanboys to the masses (all 10 of you left reading this site). Here are my 2008 MacWorld Keynote Predictions:
iPod
Apple could go a couple of different ways with the next generation of iPods. (By the way, are iPods’ lives calculated in dog-years or something. How can one year go by and we call it a “generation” in reference to an iPod?) I’m really hoping they release a wireless iPod. No charging wire, no syncing wire, no headphone wires. The music just beams into my head when I want it to. All I do is look at my iPod and pull up my Mental Dashboard iTunes Widget and think-select a song. If I’m walking down the street and I see someone else with a wireless iPod, I can just ask them to let me think-type in my Apple iTunes ID into their list of acceptable iTunes AirWavers and I can hear what they are listening to as well! Or I can just cut off one of their ears. That works too because with the new iPod Air, you can only beam a song to your digitally-fingerprinted ear canals.
iLife
This will be the year that Apple realizes that most people don’t make movies, write songs, take pictures, or any of that crap that iLife software such as iMovie, Garage Band, and iPhoto let you do so easily. They will finally put out software for my boring iLife. iLoser lets you keep track of how fat and out of shape you are getting while always reminding you how pathetic you are (using the patented one-click iLackSelfConfidence voice abuser system). And bundled with iLoser? A mac version of Minesweeper!
Laptops
These will become obsolete with the next version of the iPhone. Apple is offering a $10 credit when you return a laptop and buy a new iPhone.
iPhone
As always, Steve Jobs will save the best for last and announce the latest updates to the iPhone at the end. I’m guessing the new iPhone comes in 5 different colors! And you can jog with it now! It will be the first jogging phone! You set up your route with Google Maps, create a playlist, and boom, the two of you are out jogging together! You can set it to Rocky mode and have it run a few steps ahead of you, always pushing you to keep pace, or you can tell it you are in a lazy mood and want to chill. Either way is cool with your iPhone. It only jogs when you tell it to jog. You can also set it to block incoming calls during your jog or go instantly to speakerphone, if you want to be one of those jackasses that jogs and talks on your jogging-in-front-of-you iPhone.
No matter what happens at this year’s MacWorld, I know one thing is for sure. Me and bunch of other fanboys won’t be quite so lonely and unhappy tonight because we’ll have some expensive shiny new trinkets to distract us! Hooray! Now I’m off to macrumors.com to follow the Keynote speech live via text updates from inside the convention!
First off, I think it is really a design flaw that iLoser comes bundled with Minesweeper instead of Solitaire. As its namesake suggests, there is no other game more perfectly tailored to a lonely individual sitting in front of a computer screen with time on his hands.
On another note, here’s my Mac prediction for 2008: Just as it was in 2007 and every year prior, being obsessed with computers will still be uncool. Book it.
I would’ve said iLoser comes with Solitaire but I confess I’m terrible at the game. Maybe I’m not such an iLoser after all?
in your case, i’m thinking ibed is more your style. it’s sweet, you can do all your tasks from your bed including, sleeping, relaxing, eating, watching t.v., playing halo, and surfing the net. i like the concept of iloser though. could you bittorrent that for me?
Ah, so good to see signs of life on zillionaire! What about ispoon? I’ve been waiting for Apple to liven up and improve my cereal eating experience. Obviously an mp3 player would be part of the deal but there’s gotta be other accoutrements that could be added to this thing. Maybe a dehydrated strawberry dispenser? Sugar shaker? The possibilities are endless!
I love the iLoser concept. I would have put ‘FreeCell’ as the game. I admit iRecliner sums me up. But iWork would consist of big office chair, continuous ebay/craigslist surfing, and a long nap. aaaaaahhhhhhhh….
Well, your geekiness once again surprises me. Our company went to macworld and won one of the “best in show” prizes for a new product that we offer, Parallels Server. Apparently it is pretty sweet for geeks, but I wouldn’t know because I don’t even use any of our products. It must be what geeks dream about… Anyhow, I like the iLoser concept, ,and I can see the assholes here in redmond talking to their iphones while jogging in front of them here in redmond. I see those jackasses talking and jogging or biking in their stupid spandex every day on the burt gilman trail outside of my house. Makes me want to walk around with a bat and clothesline them when they come by.
You could have replaced “(or fanboys, as they are also known)” with “(or hippies)”
… Cause only hippies use macs.
You can take that to the bank. Plus those mac vs windows commercials are really becoming… Not funny.
Mac’s are so secure. That’s like saying:
“the atari has no none viruses, so therefore it is more secure today than any other system”. Yes, I am comparing Macs to an atari. Sorry I had to bring Atari down to that level.
actually I am glad you posted column, captive lion. Didn’t know if this site was finished.
Lion,
Let your geekiness flow with this new item that you “must have” …
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So in the spirit recent Mac-features I predict that the next iPhone will be able to boot Vista, run for 15 minutes and crash into a flaming ball of poo. An accomplishment that shall shine forever as the LONGEST lasting piece of hardware ever to run Vista.