Category: Life

Dinosaurs are more famous now than when they were alive and ruled the planet. They are the Elvis of the Animal Kingdom. This is in large part to the Discovery Channel which promotes and disseminates a pro-Dinosaur agenda nearly 24 hours a day. Surely, no advertisers are demanding this content. The target audience is extinct after all. Who is really behind this Paleozoic propaganda and what are they not telling you? I turned off my TV and started doing some of my own research about dinosaurs and have had some very disturbing revelations. Are these really the kind of creatures we want to dig up and display in our museums? Should we be giving them cute voices in animated movies so our kids fall in love with them? The following facts might change your mind.

Dinosaurs had slaves.
Not human ones, of course. Their version was much more insidious, in fact. They enslaved anything with tusks. It would turn your stomach if you saw how the tusked were treated back then.

Dinosaurs were illiterate.
Not a single one ever learned to read in 160 million years! Guess that college degree is a few more years off! And it also explains why we aren’t studying the writings of the great Hemingwayasaurus Rex.

Dinosaurs were atheist.
The majority of Pterodactyls were followers of Ragzor, Beast-master of the Skies, but by and large nearly all other dinosaurs were godless. Jesus has been suspiciously quiet on this topic, however, suggesting some sort of cover up.

Dinosaurs were pedophiles.
Archaeologists have found skeletons of male dinosaurs perched suggestively next to nests of young, unhatched dinosaurs, still in the egg even.

Dinosaurs were nudists.
These perverts didn’t wear clothes by choice, not evolutionary circumstance.

With these facts, one thing is clear.  The Discovery Channel is only giving us one side of the story.  The only question now is just how much dirt should we dig up on the dinosaurs?

The NCAA tournament is over, and the results of the Zillionaire pool are final. Here are some noteworthy scores:

14th Place: (Dead Last): My Wife, score of 150.
13th Place: Logan, score of 195. Keep in mind, Logan is eleven months old, and his parents helped him fill out a bracket by having him point to various toys representing teams in the tourney. This process resulted in Albany (a #13 seed) making it to the Final Four in his bracket. Somehow, he still demolished my wife. Kind of puts her bracket in perspective.
11th Place: Moira, score of 234: An early leader in the tourney, her downfall was putting faith in the WSU Cougars to overachieve in a pressure-filled environment. Silly girl.
7th Place: The Captive Lion, score of 242. Nothing remarkable here, I just want to illustrate who finished one spot ahead in the standings…
6th Place: The Centaur, score of 244. Sixth place never tasted so sweet.
5th Place: Maleah, score of 257. (Incidentally, her husband, Krusty, finished 9th. He is currently hiding in shame.)
4th Place: Amy, score of 268.
3rd Place: Leigh, score of 278. Leigh caps off a nice showing by the ladies in the tourney. Thanks for playing ladies, you really helped class up this event.
2nd Place: Booth, score of 280.

And the winner, Jon Solo, with a score of 321. Amazingly, he correctly picked all of the Final Four teams, and the outcomes of all three Final Four games. This was truly a remarkable performance by Solo. One for the ages.

Solo, as promised, I do hereby bestow upon you bragging rights for an entire year. Also, I grant you permission to be an insufferable braggart whenever the topic of the tourney comes up. And if you desire, I will address you by a nickname befitting your bracket-related skills, perhaps something like “Professor Bracketstein” or “The Amazing Bracketini.” Your call.

Finally, there is one other award to present: “Best Impromptu Rap Lyrics Posted in the Group Message Board.”

Here is the lone entry, by The Captive Lion.

when was the last time i balled?

rain on the blacktop
means no game
the laws of nature
silence the swish of the chain
fold up my FILA shorts
and put away my hightops
peel off my extra-thick
double-layered sweatsocks
no dunkhoops today
no shake n’ bake for the sport
the only move i’m gonna make
is a stopoff at the foodcourt

On that note, let me wish a final congratulations and thanks to Jon Solo for teaching us all the true meaning of March Madness. And thanks to everyone that played along. We’ll be sure to do it again next year.

And the winner is:

The Centaur called me last night and asked me if I’d bit off more than I could chew with this contest. I told him I only ate one of the hot dogs seen in the picture below.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said.

He was referring to the quality of the entries I presume. And the difficult task of picking a winner. And he was right. There was a snow-globe flurry of entries on the last day and they ranged from the completely obvious to the total left field. Just what I had hoped for. So thanks again everyone for playing along at home.

But in the end there was one entry that had me baffled initially. On first read, it was neither clever nor funny. I wondered why someone had submitted it at all. Then, 24 hours later as I was looking back at this caption and studying the photo, it all became clear. Big bonus points for having the guts to play such an understated hand.

So congratulations Tom! If you contact me, I’ll hook you up with that invite.

When you see this many hot dogs on a grill, you instinctively pull out your camera, snap a picture, post it on your blog, and wait for the clever captions to come pouring in. It’s a pretty tired formula. But this time, there is a twist for the music lovers, nerds and geeks out there. On Monday at Midnight (EST), I will award an Oink (oink.me.uk) invite to the most clever, funniest caption as deemed by me and me alone. And if you don’t know what Oink is, do as the King James Bible says and “Ye, go forth and google it.”

But I can’t just leave it at that. I have to set some sort of bar, however low. So here are my top 5 captions for the photo:

1. I guess if heaven is a grill, then all dogs do go to heaven. I don’t think I want to go to grill heaven though. Good thing I am not a dog.
2. {To the tune of the Reading Rainbow TV theme song} Take you one, it’s in a bun-Weiner Rainbow.
3. How many lips and assholes are we looking at here?
4. Is it just me or do all the dogs in their buns look like turtles in various poses? The third one from the top left looks like it’s trying to whisper a secret.
5. 99 hot dogs in buns on the grill. 99 hot dogs in buns. Take one down, pass it around. Why are we passing around hot dogs in buns?

Yes, I just wasted your time with those captions. They were purposely bad. The real fun is now in your hands. Put yourself in my shoes. Spend a few minutes thinking about it. Be brave. Throw something out there. There is nothing to lose. Don’t worry if it’s not spectacular. Who cares. You can hide behind the great invisible walls of the Internet just like me. It’s kinda cool back here.

It is once again that time of year to plant myself on a couch, swear at the television, drink to excess and pin my happiness on the success of Gonzaga’s basketball team. Yes, it is NCAA tournament time.

I’m pleased to announce that the second annual Zillionaire pool is up and running. This contest is 100% free, mainly because the prospect of collecting money from each person would entail pulling off the biggest upset in tournament history. Consequently, since this contest is free, there are no prizes whatsoever. Instead, the winner will be lionized on this website and have the freedom to be an insufferable braggart for an entire year.

Please note, by submitting picks, you are subject to ridicule on this site for any of the following transgressions:

1. Horrible picks
2. Losing to my wife
3. Failing to pick a single upset
4. Lack of creativity on user name
5. Neglecting to trash talk others below you in the rankings

Go here to sign up. The deadline to enter is one millisecond before the tip-off of the first game (Thursday Morning, approx 9am).
The group name is: Internet Zillionaire
The password is: Zillionaire

Also, make sure to read up on the scoring system when you sign up, as there are bonus points awarded for correctly picking upsets. The justification for this is that if you are willing to make a high-risk pick, there should be a high-reward for doing so as well.

Best of luck to everyone.

Several years ago, the Best Buy CEO addressed the executive board about naming their new team of in-store tech support…

Ok, let’s get this meeting started. First off, I think we’re all in agreement that the marketing name of this new group of computer repair specialists is critical. We really want to stand apart from the competition here. To do that, I have a radical idea. Instead of lauding the professionalism or technical skills of our tech-support employees, I want to play up the stereotype that anyone with knowledge about computers is a socially awkward loser.

That’s right, I think the naming of our tech-support service ought to demean our employees by associating them with the lowest pariah of American society: the nerd. And our job here today is to craft a name for our technicians that will cast them as pathetic introverts to the general public.

Here is my vision: Imagine one of our tech employees strikes up a conversation with a pretty girl he’s hoping to impress. Now, when she asks him where he works, I want her to laugh in his face when he tells her. Then, I want her to run over to her friends so that they can all laugh at him as well. That’s the kind of brand association we’re going for here.

Now, maybe you’re asking, “Why go to this length to belittle and disparage our own employees?” It’s simple. When our customers drop off their computer for repair work, I want them to think that our technicians are such dateless, social misfits that they will have no higher priority on a Saturday night than fixing computers. That translates to peace of mind for the consumer.

Look at it this way, would you want to take your laptop in for repair to a tech support group called “Really Cool Guys That Party and Associate with Females”? Of course you wouldn’t. Your laptop would probably come back covered with beer stains and the disk drive would be stuffed with used condoms.

That’s why we’re going to go in the total opposite direction. Here are some names I’ve come up with so far…

Celibate Squad: Now, this name clearly labels our employees as social outcasts. This is good. Unfortunately, I feel it should also convey that they possess some underlying technical abilities as well. We’ll have to scratch this one.

Introvert Brigade: I really like this one. However, from a marketing standpoint, it has probably got too many syllables, and it just doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Nerd Team: Personally, I love the word “nerd.” It perfectly embodies the stereotypes we’re trying to perpetuate. The only sticking point is that the word “team” is most often associated with athletics. It just seems like too much of an oxymoron.

Loser Force: This one might be too harsh.

The A/V Club: While this is not an especially catchy name, I do think this would help with new employee recruitment at local high schools.

And finally, my personal favorite: Geek Squad. In the olden days, a “geek” was a freakish circus performer. Nowadays, the word “geek” has evolved to refer to someone with eccentric nerdiness. A broad word like this gives us a lot of latitude in denigrating our employees in advertising. Honestly, is “Geek Squad” perfect or what?

I can see lots of nodding. I think it’s pretty unanimous… Geek Squad it is!

That’s good for now. Let’s set up a meeting next week to discuss the uniform. Obviously, we’ll make them wear bleached white shirts with clip-on ties. I’ll make sure we get some pocket-protectors in there too. Oh, and someone should contact the legal department to see if we could contractually force the “Geek Squad” employees to get braces and bad haircuts as well.

All right, this meeting is adjourned. Let’s get some lunch.