Internet Zillionaire

Phrases overheard when computer shopping in the 1990s:

• Get the cool beige one!
• Make sure it can boot into MS-DOS.
• Floppy or hard?
• Bring friends. One to carry the monitor. Another to carry the CPU. Third to carry the cables to connect the two.
• Comes with the entire catalogue of recorded music aka has CD burner and Napster installed.
• Free mousepad.

I’m sure most of you zillionaires out there have taco Tuesday on your menu. It’s one of my favorite dishes. I only like Old El Paso seasoning. The kit comes with either soft or hard shells and a taco sauce to accompany the meat. My only beef is you can’t buy the seasoning separate in my grocery store nearby. You have to purchase the entire box to enjoy the delicious MSG soaked seasoning. You can settle for Ortega but I find the flavor is a little off. By no means is it bad but I just prefer Old El Paso. However their soft tortillas are mediocre next to Mission brand’s tortillas.  Sometimes I splurge and I buy the Old El Paso kit and mission tortillas on the side. The best combo is an Old El Paso taco kit, Mission brand soft tortillas, fresh chopped lettuce, grated cheddar cheese and wait for it…sour cream by Breakstone. Now that’s my kind of a’meat and potatoes’ taco night.

Remember prop comics like Carrot Top or Gallagher? I have no idea why they get such a bad rap. Sure, if you think of them as comedians with a bunch of zany ideas, maybe I see your point. But if you reverse it… They are inventors with a sense of humor! Now you understand why I think they are underrated!

Seeing Carrot Top’s act is like watching Seinfeld pitch 30 products in a row on Shark Tank. The prop comic’s job is to show you a series of practical items in rapid-fire succession that make you say “Why didn’t I think of that?”

And all these life hack bloggers and YouTubers owe their entire genre to the prop comics. The prop comics were the first ones who recognized we could modify off-the-shelf products to better suit our needs and purposes. DIY would be SOL without PROPS.

To prove this lineage, will you play my little game?

Prop Comic Gag or Crazy Russian Hacker Video

1. Russian Toothpaste
2. Slippers You Can’t Stub Your Toe In
3. Shoes You Never Will Outgrow
4. Fastest Potato Peeler
5. Back-saving Toilet Seat

Answer Key: 1. CRH 2. PCG 3. PCG 4. CRH 5. PCG

Team,

With the recent relaunch of the website, it is critical that we all change passwords and conform to the new Password Policy.  What you see above is the old policy, which was considered highly secure in 2005.  Eleven years and an unknown number of security breaches later, we have lost zillions of dollars in expected revenue.  That changes now.

The new password policy goes into effect immediately.  Please change your password at your next login and be sure it conforms to the following requirements:

• Password must be at least 38 characters long
• Password must be an illegal play in Scrabble
• Password must contain a prime number greater than 997
• Password must contain two letters from a foreign alphabet (eg. ñ or ø)
• Password must contain a symbol of foreign currency (eg. â‚¡)
• Password must contain the name of a South American mountain range
• Password must not contain your first or last name
• Password must not contain the names of any spouses, ex-girlfriends, hookups, etc. It’s all on file.  We will be checking.
• Password must not be longer than 22 characters
• Password must be changed weekly

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

*That is an actual screen grab from my job

Each week, Internet Zillionaire brings you the top stories in fake celebrity real estate:

• Big news in California real estate this week. Rap icon and 90’s sitcom star Fresh Prince is selling his mansion in Bel Air. Listed for $6 million, the family friendly house comes with a staff of one, a large kitchen, and a colorful “graffiti art” paint job in one room. Rumor has it the Fresh Prince is downsizing and is trading in his Bel Air pad for a small hacienda in Rancho Cucamonga.
• Long-retired DIYer Bob Villa is finally putting this old house on the market. Local appraisers say the house is showing it’s age and Villa probably should have sold long ago if he were looking to make top dollar. As of now, the old place is more of a fixer upper.
• Rather stark news from the prairie, as it seems Laura Ingalls Wilder may also be selling as this cryptic Craigslist ad appeared online this week: For sale: little house on large open prairie. Not to be confused with my other listing of “little house in big woods”. Cost: $40,000.
• Sad news from New York City, as the Pope of Greenwich Village has passed away. The Cardinals of Canal Street have called for a papal conclave to elect the next Bishop of Broome, also known as the Pope. Real estate prices outside Greenwich Village could skyrocket if the new Pope is chosen from a different Manhattan neighborhood. One New Yorker stated “If the Pope of Tribeca is announced, I’m moving to Brooklyn.