Internet Zillionaire

This is going to be a tough post to write. I’d like to share some thoughts on Episode III, but I don’t want to give away any details of the movie for those that haven’t seen it yet. Of course on the other hand, if you haven’t seen it yet, I think you should really be taking stock of your priorities in life. It’s been out for a week people! If you’ve been too busy helping the homeless, spending time at church, or mentoring troubled youths, I urge you to sit down and reflect upon the direction your life is going. With that said, I’ll try not to spoil any major details, but here are some things to look forward to in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith…

• I saw the movie last Sunday, and as you might have guessed, I was the first person in the theater. This was all thanks to my wife. Bless her soul. While I waited outside for our friends, my wife snagged a spot at the front of the line inside the theater. Unfortunately, she was put in the position of being an attractive, unaccompanied female at the head of the line for a Star Wars movie. This is the kind of dream girl scenario that only occurs in the wildest fantasies of dateless Star Wars nerds. I shudder to think what might have happened had she been wearing a Princess Leia outfit. I’m sure the legions of nerds lined up behind her were ready to make her their new queen. Naturally, I took great pleasure in cutting in front of all of them right before the movie began, feeling their piercing glares of jealousy as I sauntered up and put an arm around my wife. Truthfully, I’m not sure what the nerds were more envious of: my wife or my spot at the head of the line. Regardless, I brought my Sonicare along, just in case they decided to start any trouble.
• I hate to give this part away, but this is really a telling sign that this movie is better than the last two: Jar Jar is on the screen for a mere four seconds and has no speaking part. Not a word. Also, he doesn’t stick out his tongue. And he doesn’t trip over anything. And he doesn’t flap his ears in excitement or exhibit any of his other nine million annoying characteristics in this film. He merely walks across the background of a scene. I was still prepared to toss my popcorn at the screen over even this much of a Jar Jar sighting, but I decided to refrain… I reasoned that if Darth Vader were to slice off Jar Jar’s head later in the picture it would redeem this lone appearance… Regrettably, this didn’t happen, which is probably the greatest flaw of the film.
• A whole planet of Wookies!!! Let me say right now, it’s been long overdue. I don’t want to jinx anything, but if they could somehow spin this off into it’s own series of movies… Think about the success of the “Planet of the Apes” franchise. Can you imagine a “Planet of the Wookies” trilogy? Granted, Wookies only communicate in growls and howls, but c’mon, whom amongst us wouldn’t be willing to put up with subtitles for a movie like this? Of course, as with other films with subtitles, I’d hate for a Planet of the Wookies movie to become too “artsy.”
• I’m sure you’ve seen the warnings about how this movie incorporates more violence than the other movies in the series. As expected, this is a good thing. The title of “Revenge of the Sith,” is aptly named. The bad guys definitely score one for their side in this movie… There is even some early footage of the construction of the Death Star, as the Empire is in the process of picking through color swatches and interviewing interior designers.
• The ending is very satisfying. This movie takes all the loose ends from the various films and wraps them up nicely. I can say with great certainty that there will not be an episode three and a half, as all of the unanswered questions are sufficiently addressed. Granted, it would have been pretty ridiculous if the storyline couldn’t be wrapped up after six movies, but I honestly didn’t put this past George Lucas.
• As expected, there is some overacting. This is a Star Wars hallmark. For instance, Annakin essentially has two emotions: extreme rage and over-the-top extreme rage.
• I’ll warn you right now, there is a ridiculous amount of previews for upcoming films prior to the movie starting. Usually I enjoy watching the previews, and don’t mind putting up with the “I work for Mr. Fandandgo” routine before the movie begins. This time it was different, as there was so much anticipation built up within the audience that nobody had the patience for the next debacle Jerry Bruckheimer would be blockbusting our summer with.
• Yoda is continuing his insurance scam. Let’s face it; we all learned in Episode II that he really doesn’t need a cane. I’m not sure what kind disability claim he’s trying to pursue, but shortly after he executed his ninth back flip in Episode III, I concluded that he should probably forgo the act of hobbling around and practically wearing a neck brace everywhere he goes. At this point, no jury is going to fall for this routine.
• The Final Verdict: I give this movie a rating of: Three “Unreals” out of a possible Four “Unreals.” Wow, I just managed to use the word “unreal” as a noun. And I even somehow made it plural. This is probably a sign I should end this post… Anyway, definitely check out Episode III!!