The ManMobile III

With a child on the way, my vehicular needs have changed somewhat. According to local law enforcement, I need a vehicle that can secure a child seat without the use of bungie cords, rope or cargo netting. Consequently, I’m in the market for a new ManMobile. Before I get to my car search, allow me to share the fates of the first two ManMobiles:

The ManMobile I: True to it’s namesake, this truck died like a man. It met its demise in a violent crash on I-90, allowing me to cheat death for the fifth time in my life. This truck really took one for the team, as The Captive Lion and I were able to walk away completely unscathed from some seriously twisted wreckage. To honor the memory of that truck, I haven’t wasted a day since. (Caveat to that statement: Entire days spent playing video games and watching TV don’t count.)

The ManMobile II: The vehicle I’m currently driving, it will be honorably discharged in the coming weeks for its trade-in value. It’s been a damn good truck, and I’ll be sad to see it go. I just wish I could end our relationship in a more fitting manner, perhaps with a fiery explosion of some kind. Thankfully, there’s still time.

And now, here’s a partial checklist of the features and criteria I’ll be using to evaluate prospective vehicles for the title of ManMobile III:

  • First, would it survive multiple rollovers at 70mph… as it will likely be asked to do so.
  • Is there the requisite clearance and elbowroom needed to fire a bow and arrow out of the driver’s side window?
  • Does it look menacing in the rearview mirror of a slow-driving senior citizen? This one is very important to me.
  • Can the speaker system provide quality audio output over a wide swath of my musical interests? (Monster ballads, AM talk radio, John Denver’s Greatest Hits, etc.)
  • Am I likely to be mistaken for a total badass when behind the wheel?
  • Are the tires big enough that I can drive over curbs and medians with impunity?
  • At any given time, I am either flooring the gas or the brake with maximum force. Will this truck be compatible with my everyday driving style?
  • In a one-on-one, head-on collision with a random other vehicle, am I most likely to be the sole survivor? (This includes tanks, cement mixers, and school buses.)
  • If I’m heading in their direction, will walkers and joggers feel compelled to get off the road out of concern for their safety?
  • Can this truck handle the payload of the eight tons of baby accessories I’ll be routinely transporting everywhere I go?
  • Should I leave the house wearing my Darth Vader voice-changing helmet, is there ample headroom available to accommodate this attire?

Since this is such a major purchase, I’d hate to forget to check something important. Zillionaires, is there anything I left out?

11 thoughts on “The ManMobile III”

  1. Sounds like you need a Humvee… not a Hummer, which is just a damn Chevy Suburban with different sheet metal… but an American General Humvee, with the TOW missile attachment or better yet, one of the Humvees equipped with a CROWS unit, as seen at http://www.roi.bourns.com/weapon/crows.asp

    The Hummer is for weenies… the Humvee is for real men…

  2. Well I’m sad to see the second man mobile be retired. I to enjoyed that truck alot also. I will suggest a clear solution to the phase three problem. I see only one vehicle that will fit your needs.

    We are going to have to design and build a functiong Warthog. Think about it, not only does it meet your needs but the mounted machine gun will put you years ahead of the general public when the armagedon comes. Also I know that you recently recieved a big raise so I feel like you should be able to bank roll the construction. You will of course have to build a new garage to house the warthog, but we all know you were looking for an excuse to do that anyway. I think a full camo version would work nicely. This way if you need to drive during a paintball game your ready for that as well. I suppose the cab will need to be covered for little matty jrs. sake. This could be removeable and possibly bullet proof. I’ll leave that up to you. Good luck and I hope to see a prototype in a couple of weeks.

  3. Well, I was just waiting to see what Krusty would say, and it seems pretty fitting. However, I would also recommend some sort of machine gun turret that Matty jr could operate. Not just a mounted machine gun, but an actual turret that is covered for his safety. This would not only be fun for the little tyke, but would prepare him for the endless hours of halo that he will undoubtedly be subjected to as soon as he can hold the controller.

  4. Speaking of design, my fellow XBOX players should check out maleah’s blog. She has designed a custom head band for holding the headset. It is the next big trend started by me.

  5. CROWS Humvee– genius. The Warthog is simply brilliant. Yet, I’m gonna take a backseat from bloodshed and recommend a machine suited for mobility. Afterall, aren’t we missing one small detail when driving? A man’s gotta eat on the go, fellas! Forget drive thru’s… When it’s time for JNet to grill you a juicy porterhouse, kick back with the XBox in your own transportable, plush lounge: This 5,000 ton beast has “MAN” embossed in the grill, comes with a console of knobs and buttons designed by F1 fighter pilots, can tow a Cat up Mt. Rainier and is Scud-proof. All this, while in the comfort of your own home. However, I think mounting the gun turret is a must:

    http://www.funmansion.com/html/fm-Rugged-RV.html

  6. Actually, I thought about an 18-wheeler. I thought it would be sweet to outfit it as a mobile command center and then have my wife take it on the freeway. Then, while driving, she would lower the trailer ramp so that I could pull my Trans Am in behind. And then she would close the ramp, and the bad guys would never know where I went. If this move sounds familiar, I must confess, I got the idea from Knight Rider.

    As we all know, it was the coolest part of the show.

  7. When choosing a vehicle, you should always make your decision based off of how many bodies can be stuffed into the trunk at one time. This will save you much frustration in the future.

  8. I think you are missing a great possibility here. Big, brawny, manly…..nothing says all three like the Oscar Meyer WeinerMobile! Doing 80 down the interstate, running over pedestrians, while guzzling pork by products!

    As you run over seniors you can yell out the window, “My baloney has a first name, Bitch! Its out of my way!”

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