December 1st, 2006

The Grocery-Getter II

by The Centaur

As I mentioned last week, the Centaur household is in need of a new grocery-getter. And once it came time to find a new family car, I had only one concern weighing on my mind: My own personal comfort.

Therefore, I initially focused my car search on used limousines. I really liked the aspect of privacy glass and the abundance of luxurious amenities. Also, the option of being able to raise a barrier walling off the driver at the passengers’ discretion was particularly desirable. I was all set to buy one, actually. Unfortunately, my wife refused to wear a chauffeur’s outfit, which ultimately killed the allure for me.

My next choice was a giant motor home. Obviously, the ability to run errands in a fully functioning home on wheels was enticing. I even found a really fuel-efficient model that got upwards of six miles to the gallon, highway. It all seemed like a great deal until I realized I couldn’t find a motor home with a basement, thus making it impossible to include a mobile Zillionaire’s Lounge as well. No thanks.

Finally, I arrived at the next best choice: A minivan.

Now, put your prejudices aside and please keep in mind the following:

1. I don’t ever plan on driving the van.
2. I don’t ever plan on riding in the passenger seat either.

No, I will reside solely in the way back. While traveling, I will be sitting in one of several leather seats that fully recline and offer ottomans to rest my feet on. I will be enjoying ample legroom, headroom and armrests. I will be utilizing the many cupholders and adjusting my own climate settings in the back. I will be watching DVD’s, playing video games or sleeping comfortably. And I will be doing all of these things while my wife does the driving. I only wish the van had a fireplace option, just so it would create the experience of riding around in a living room on wheels.

Are you ready for the icing on the minivan purchase? I asked for a vibrating/heat massage pad that plugs into a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Ideally, I will be doing all of the above while simultaneously getting a Swedish massage.

Surprisingly, my wife is completely in favor of this arrangement. Let’s examine how a minivan purchase benefits her:

1. With me isolated in the back, she has complete control of the radio and thermostat, luxuries as yet unknown to her.
2. Disengaged in the back, I will be unable to critique her driving, or that of other motorists.
3. Provided I am awake, I’ll be able to keep a semi-watchful eye on our son while we travel.

As you can see, the minivan truly makes everyone happy. It is roomy and comfortable like a motor home. It is even black, with privacy windows, closely resembling a limousine. And to be on the safe side, just in case she changes her mind, I got my wife a chauffeur’s outfit for Christmas.

If you’d like to see pictures of the Grocery-Getter II, check out my wife’s blog.

8 Responses to “The Grocery-Getter II”

Booth
12/01/2006

It’s official … you are Ken Ring.

Bailes
12/02/2006

yeah, i think booth pretty much hit the nail on the head there. either ken or clark griswald. the only thing cooler than a minivan is the family truckster, too bad you didn’t get one of those. I suspect that you are already in the works of putting millions of tiny christmas lights on your house and effectively causing numerous power outages over the holiday break. maybe i’ll buy a shitty old rv and come park it in your driveway.

Anubis
12/03/2006

i have a friend that officially drove a minivan 526,000 miles. over half a million miles on one vehicle. and he could drive from Midland, Texas to New Orleans on 2 tanks. thats 830 miles. that van was amazing. and it had captian’s seats in the back!

alyssa
12/04/2006

Congrats again on the purchase…although, you know a mini van now means she has more room for those Nordstrom bags…. :)

Oh and Bailes, I can officially vouch for the fact that I stopped off at the Ring home on November 24th, much to my suprise, the xmas lights were up and the entire house was already decorated for xmas…

Griswald it is…

Krusty
12/04/2006

At first I thought this was a terribly funny attack on your manhood. Now I see that you have taken laziness and comfort to a whole new level. Your an inspiration to us all.

miss chantilly stevens
12/05/2006

form vs. function

everyone will get there, you watch. my sister doesn’t use the limo idea to make her feel better, but the idea of a large sports car. i think yours is very night-rider. who is kit in this automobile? oh i mean van?

Tana Jo
12/06/2006

Went and looked at the grocery getter on Jeannette’s blog. Very good looking van, the black really adds to the appeal. Leather seats were a good call, I have had my children throw many strange liquids on mine and they are holding up quite well. I must say I am really impressed with you two. I have no idea how you get the time to write so much. Jeannette’s blog will be a great way to remember Charlie’s growing up years. Congrats, he looks like he is doing great and will now be driving around in style. Now all he has to do is get his dad out of the backseat with him. Really, what will all the other babies think?

ken
12/11/2006

To Booth and Bailes. Being Ken Ring is a good thing, right? I was years ahead of my time, Matt is finally appreciating it.

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