Ornamental Testicles

Warning: This post will take an abrupt nosedive somewhere after the fourth paragraph…

Like all men, I was born with a pair of nipples. They are strictly ornamental. As far as I can tell, the only purpose mine serve is a spot to grow abnormally long hairs upon.

Sure, I could have my nipples removed. Lots of men do. There are sanitary reasons for doing so. Others remove them for religious observance. And, of course, many guys undergo cosmetic surgery hoping to appeal to women that prefer the “nippleless” look on men.

However, I chose to keep my nipples for one very important reason: the metaphors. I’ve found that my language is more colorful and vivid because of the ability to incorporate my nipples into daily conversation.

For instance, on a cold day, I have the freedom to use expressions like, “Wow, it’s a bit nipply out there.” Notice that nobody raises an eyebrow. Since I technically have nipples, there is no questioning of my right to use the expression.

But while nipple references are certainly great, the best metaphors in life revolve around testicles.

For example, I have the freedom to say that I’m sweatin’ my balls off, or that I’m freezin’ my balls off. As any man knows, in any inclement weather, your balls are the first things to go.

On top of that, there are a ton of other expressions I can employ. Everyone knows I am not referring to a collection of precious gems when I speak of the family jewels. While at work, I can cite that I’m bustin’ my balls, breakin’ my balls, or have them in a vice. Granted, I could simply say that I’m working hard, or am dealing with a difficult situation instead. But let’s face it, it’s not nearly as colorful.

Also, I can evaluate my actions and decisions based on how ballsy they are. Conversely, I can mock a friend for not involving his balls in his decision-making. Simply put, this is the harshest criticism a man can receive, as there is really no excuse for not choosing the ballsy path in life. After all, when faced with a choice of approaching a situation prudently or boldly, the cautious brain would always be outvoted by the balls 2-1. Or, in my case, 3-1.

Tragically, I know there are a lot of women reading this post that wish they had access to these metaphors. For that reason, I strongly urge you to have a pair of balls surgically grafted onto your body. Have them attached to your shoulders or something. Just as it is worth it for me to have a pair of non-functioning nipples, so too will you find it worthwhile to have a pair of ornamental testicles, even if it is strictly for conversational purposes.

Sorry ladies… Don’t take any of that seriously. I’m just bustin’ your balls.

6 thoughts on “Ornamental Testicles”

  1. Nice work, That was a real ballsy post. I have always wondered why the testicles are so fragile. I mean think about how important they are to the survival of the human race. Without them we couldn’t reproduce. Yet they are dangling there with only a small layer of skin for protection. I think evolution kind of missed the mark with this one. I would think they would be protected by as layer of bone thicker than the skull. I personally wrap my boys in shoulder pads and a laser defense system.

  2. Get ready to limbo as I lower the bar a wee bit.

    See, I try to leave the testicles out of it and focus squarely on the scrotum itself. It’s baby soft flabby skin and light dusting of hair seems more comical to me.

    Things that are easy = “No sweat off my sack.”

    Things that are too difficult to attempt = “You might as well spend all day styling your sackhairs with a blow-dryer.”

    Daring someone to do something they don’t want to = “Sack up or back up.”

    Things that are a carefree = “This dude’s got less worries than an empty nut-satchel. He just gets to hang out all day.”

    Things that are abrupt, a little violent, and make you take stock of the absurdity of life = “Like getting repeatedly slapped in the face with a baby gorilla’s ball-bag.”

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