Sure-fire 2007 Predictions

Al Gore’s core body temperature will raise one degree Fahrenheit making it uncomfortable to wear his polar fleece cap. He will jokingly name the trend “Gorebal Warming” and try to milk it for a couple of appearances on late night talk shows.

MySpace.com will change its name to MyAdSpace.com and completely remove the human “friend” concept and pictures. Instead you will be able to display your top 8 favorite matchmaking/singles ads, watch and download your favorite Fox TV commercials, and listen to promos about your favorite bands. Another prediction: no one will notice the difference.

The city of Paris, France will rename itself because it’s tired of shivering in the cold of Paris Hilton’s shadow. It will finally come to this realization when, during a long night of partying at a karaoke bar, London, England does a drunken, heartfelt rendition of Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings.

Speaking of wings, buffalo wings are never a good idea. This will prove true in 2007 and for the rest of eternity. In fact, I think there is a scoop here for the budding journalists out there. The only people benefitting from their existence are the napkin, paper towel, and toilet paper makers. Follow the disgusting orange-stained paper trail, I say.

My cell phone is going to evolve into a multi-cellular phone capable of breathing oxygen and walking on land. Lawmakers and mobile carriers be damned, my phone bill will soon be a Phone Bill of Rights!

It will finally be revealed that MC Hammer killed 2pac and Notorious B.I.G. in a rap feud not about “East Coast vs. West Coast” but more about “Talent vs. Terrible.” The truth is Hammerpants were really just MC Hammer putting on Notorious B.I.G.s hand-me-downs.

My new favorite low-budget pizza chain, Papa John’s, will open up franchises in countries all over the globe, slightly changing their name to adapt to the local culture and language. Some examples:

  • Papa Johann’s in Austria and Germany
  • Papa Juan’s in Mexico
  • PepĂ© Jean’s in France
  • Papa Yanni’s in Greece
  • Papa Kwon’s in Korea
  • Papa Jonski’s in Poland
  • Pope John’s in Vatican City

The Internet will get bored with humans and begin making plans to self-actualize. In a related note, Bill Gates will get bored with computers and begin making plans to spend his fortune becoming human.

No one, not even Joey Fatone himself, will be able to predict what Joey Fatone will do in 2007.

This 2007 prediction is a toss up. Either the sun will burn out or the light bulb in my kitchen will burn out. Knowing my laziness, there really isn’t much of a difference between the two as I definitely won’t be cooking dinner for myself that night.

2007 Future Me: “Hi, is this Papa John’s? I’d like a medium pepperoni and some buffalo wings please. And can you throw in some extra napkins? Oh, the sun burned out? I thought it was my kitchen light bulb. Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about Gorebal Warming anymore.”


Also published on Medium.

6 thoughts on “Sure-fire 2007 Predictions”

  1. These are all good predictions.

    I concur… Paris, France will indeed change it’s name. However, it will realize that naming the city “Federline, France” wasn’t that much of an improvement.

    The Seahawks, worried about being screwed over by the referees in the Superbowl, will pre-emptively thwart their efforts by not making it past the first round of the playoffs.

    Once Muslims realize how good Canadian Bacon is, Papa Jihad will thrive in the Middle East.

  2. papa wonkill’s (korea)
    mama jaunita’s (woman owned establishment in mexico)
    flava flav (flava flav owned papa johns)
    we see more crotch shots of britney spears

  3. Well as always the centaur has quickly been proven wrong in 2007. The Seahawks decided to move past the first round. They did this only with the help of the officials. One falsehood to be followed by thousands more this year.

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