Runner’s Up for Man’s Best Friend

I have a handful of good friends. A couple great friends even. But one thing’s for sure. They can never be my best friend. Why? They are all human. And I am a man. It’s a problem of genetics. Our DNA is too similar. Everyone knows that man’s best friend is a dog. By virtue of definition, all my other friends, human or otherwise, are second banana and have to live with that.

Do my friends like it when I remind them of the issue? Not much. I remember in 10th grade, a close friend signed my yearbook with “Best Friends Forever” and I had to ask her to erase the “best” part because that designation was already taken by Spice, my mom’s cocker-spaniel who was not the least bit interested in me, “forever”, and had never signed my yearbook.

I’m not saying it’s fair. In fact, sometimes I think it’s nuts. None of my other friends have made me watch them take a dump and then look back at me with shame and guilt in their eyes as I reach over to clean it up. Nope, that’s just my best friend. That’s just my closest pal who put me in that awkward situation.

It’s not an equal friendship in the least which also makes me question how it can be the best I deserve. Sure we both like to putt around the house occasionally and watch out the window as the mail gets delivered, but I have a hard time believing Turner and Hooch is as good as it gets. I certainly hope my deathbed flashback is not gonna be a five-minute montage of a dog drooling on all my prized possessions.

It makes me wonder who was so pathetic to wrongfully prioritize this man-dog relationship in the first place? What poor, shallow guy decides he doesn’t need an intelligent conversationalist in a best friend, or more importantly, an occasional designated driver? What dude was home alone late on a Friday night looking around his apartment, taking stock of the knickknacks and ranking them in order of their friendship with him? What were some of this sad, miserable man’s other options that didn’t quite make the cut?

Runner’s Up for Man’s Best Friend

1. Cactus – Is technically alive but don’t have to water or care for it. Better than dog in that way. Razor sharp needles are badass.
2. Fridge – Keeps beer cold. Has automatic light, don’t have to flip dumb switch. Doubles as big stationary flashlight at night when I walk to bathroom.
3. Pinball – Fun as hell. Downside: sometimes the machine eats your quarters and you don’t want to go ask for 50 cents from the bartender because it will make you look like a cheap putz.
4. Sandwiches – Just put some shit on bread, don’t forget to chew, and you are good to go. No matter the ingredients its always called the same thing, easy for brain to remember. When they get real big, add the word “submarine” in front of it. These can be up to six feet long but don’t taste good after they have been submerged under water for an extended period of time. In fact, taste much better when they have been permanently docked on dry land.
5. Cat – Is stupid like dog. Is hairy like dog. Is lazy like dog. Will run in front of truck for me? No. Will lead me around when I am old and blind? No. Will hunt and eat mice? Hopefully.
6. Laptop – Portable jukebox, notepad, blank canvas, and backup brain all in one. Can open wormhole in space and time (with optional webcam). Portal to the revolutionary playground (Internet).
7. Redbull – Nevermind. Just saw empty can and thought, “Well… let me think for a sec.”
8. Recycling bin – Alright. Same thing as Redbull happened again.
9. Fart sounds – Always funny. Most people have never thought of having a sound as a best friend before. Would turn a lot of heads when walking down the street together. Can easily be made with many different body parts (not just anus).
10. Nicknames – Like a best friend, a good nickname will stick with you for life. That’s called loyalty. Which would make a pretty bad nickname unless you spelled it differently, like “Loyal T” or something. Hey! I bet Loyal is Mr. T’s first name! But it goes without saying no matter how you spell it, Mr. Loyal T would also be a chill best friend to have.