Category: Life

I like to keep track of life by keeping mental notes of how many “hustle points” I might get in a day. Allow me to explain myself.

In high school I used to play basketball. Throughout a season the coach and assistants kept track of an individual’s points scored, assists, rebounds, and hustle points. A hustle point meant either you laid out for a ball into the stands, dove onto the ground for a loose ball, or just generally worked your butt off on the court. At the end of the season an awards banquet was held for the team. I remember the first time I was introduced to this concept. Back in 1988, my brother won the hustle award for the season. To say the least, I was impressed. I have never won the hustle award. But I’m still keeping track.

Let’s say I have a rehearsal at 1 pm. I decide to leave 10 minutes earlier due to construction on the trains. As I figured, the subway was all messed up and it took me a little longer than usual. But I showed up right on time. I call that a hustle point.

Even simple planning of routes throughout the city is hustling in my world. Every once in a while the police set up random roadblocks. Usually they’re looking for drunk drivers, but I don’t like talking to cops anytime I don’t have to. One time I saw the trap ahead and quickly turned right so I’d miss the roadblock. Hustling.

Okay I have lost many hustle points in my day. I do admit, one time The Captive Lion called me and said he was ready to play Halo 2. I was unable to because I had forgot to charge my new Logitech wireless headset. That was not hustling.

And without a doubt I know who’s getting hustled right now…you. Unless you stopped reading about 2 paragraphs ago. I’m not really a writer, but I get to pretend. Now that’s hustling.

I’m in unchartered territory. The Seahawks are in the Super Bowl for the first time in their franshise history, and I am utterly unprepared for the event.

What should I paint on my chest? Sure, a phrase like “Go ‘Hawks!” might suffice in the regular season, but this is the Super Bowl. It seems like I almost need to get a tattoo or something.

What do I drink? Beer is a safe choice, but maybe I should bust out the bottle of top shelf gin I’ve been hiding from guests and saving for the proverbial Special Occasion.

And what if they win? How do I comport myself? I’ve never been in the position to celebrate a championship of any kind. Obviously, I need to push my couch into the middle of the street and light it on fire. Then, I suppose I am expected to head downtown and riot with the rest of the hardcore fans. Then what? Topple police cruisers? I wish they made a guidebook for novice sports hooligans.

I guess I’ll deal with these issues as the game progresses. One other note, I spent Super Bowl Eve thinking about the game, hanging my stocking, and formulating a prediction. Here it is: Seahawks 27, Steelers 17. That’s right, a ten point spread. And the MVP: Joe Jurevicious. 6 receptions, 2 touchdowns, 114 yards receiving.

So here we go. It’s noon, the game is three and a half hours away. Like the NFC championship game, I’ll be updating this post continually throughout the day. Let’s just hope the game and this blog live up to the hype.

Since, frankly, there isn’t nearly enough hype surrounding Sunday’s Superbowl, I am going to do my part to clog cyberspace with a running commentary of the day’s events.

If you recall two weeks ago, during the NFC championship game, I started a post that I continuously updated throughout the day with the score, my blood-alcohol level and solicitations for a Seahawks Starter jacket, circa 1992.

That appeared to be a winning formula, at least for the Seahawks, so I’ll repeat the process this Sunday.

So, fellow Zillionaires, be sure to have your laptops handy during the game. And please chime in with your thoughts, predictions, color commentary or just express your desire to see a Mick Jagger “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show.

See you on Sunday! Go ‘Hawks!

Here’s a letter I sent to the President with a last-minute suggestion for tonight’s State of the Union address.

Mr. President:

I know this address is meant to inspire the nation. I’m sure you’re going to talk about plans like putting a man on Mars in ten years or improving literacy over the next decade. Great. Fantastic. I’m almost inspired enough to not change the channel.

Here’s another idea: I’m 28 years old. In ten years, as part of a middle-aged man’s routine health care, there’s a good chance I’ll be going to the doctor for my first proctological exam. I beg of you, let’s put our national resources towards fixing this situation.

I figure I’ve got ten years, maybe fifteen tops. Truthfully, I’m not exactly circling the date on my calendar. But I know it’s coming. And this issue concerns me more than deficits or terrorists.

Keep in mind, I’m not asking you to actually cure prostate cancer. Just remove the use of proctology to detect it. You should have America’s best scientists inventing some kind of prostate cancer Breathalyzer test.

I understand how fortunate I am. With the invention of Viagra a few years back, my second biggest potential health crisis has already been averted. That one was hanging over me in about 40 years. I’m glad it was taken care of early though, there’s no sense putting it off.

So now, it’s just a proctological exam I’m worried about. Simply put, we need this issue to come to the forefront of American politics. Imagine if a candidate ran solely on the election platform of removing the threat of a proctological exam from a generation of young men. It would be a landslide election.

I need your help. The nation needs your help. We need some true leadership. I know the proctology lobby is powerful in Washington. If you walk to the podium tonight and pledge the nation’s resources to eradicating anal examinations, history will judge your presidency kindly. Think about it.

P.S. One final tip, when you begin the address, maybe apologize to viewers that the usual sitcoms normally on at this time are being pre-empted for your speech. I always hated that growing up.

Thank you for your consideration,
The Centaur

I’ve been a Seahawks fan for 20 years. I’ve been unabashedly on their bandwagon all season. They’re playing the most important game in franchise history at home this weekend. All of this means one thing: I have a strong sense of impending doom right now.

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before, but allow me to share a very old joke that is part of Seahawks lore:

The police respond to a case of child abuse. Clearly, the boy needed to be removed from the home, as he had been badly beaten. The policeman asked the child where he wanted to live, and the boy said, “I want to live with the Seahawks, ’cause they don’t beat anybody!”

I admit it’s not very funny. It’s hard to find humor in child abuse. But, it’s a true story. You see; I was that abused boy, sent to live with the Seahawks 20 years ago.

And I know how the Seahawks operate. In the interest of fairness, I thought I would offer the Panthers some tips on how to avoid a beating:

Don’t Keep the Score Close: This was the Redskins’ first mistake. If you want to beat the Seahawks, you need to let them have a lead of about eight touchdowns with three minutes to play. Once it becomes clear that it will take the greatest comeback in NFL history to win the game, that’s when the wheels will invariably come off for the Seahawks.

Avoid Key Injuries: I’m not referring to your roster. I’m talking about the Seahawks roster. If you injure a Seahawks starter, be prepared for one of our backups to come in that is unaccustomed to choking in a big game.

Challenge Every Call: No matter how obvious the ruling on the field, there is always an official willing to invent a reason why the play should be overturned to go against the Seahawks. Sure, the referees will make the “challenge” appear to look authentic. The official will go in the little video booth for a minute or two, and emerge to say, “After reviewing the play, the Seahawk player clearly double-dribbled. The touchdown is overruled, and the Panthers will shoot two free-throws.” Seriously, if I were the Panthers, I’d even challenge the coin flip.

So this is it. If the Seahawks win on Sunday it will easily be my greatest thrill as a sports fan. I hope this post appeases the Football Gods to reverse-jinxing the inevitable Seahawk debacle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go paint a Seahawks logo on my chest. Gotta support the team!