Having a Zillionairette

I can still remember it vividly… It was flat-out unwatchable, perhaps the most pitiful display of high school athletics I’d ever witnessed. At the time, I was a sophomore in college, attending my sister’s high school softball game as a gesture of support.

At the conclusion of the game, my sister ran over to where my family was sitting.

My sister: “Did you see my four home runs!?!”

Me: “Yes I did. Well, actually, you had four singles. Because there were multiple fielding and throwing errors committed by the defense, you were able to score on each hit. Just so you know, those aren’t considered “home runs”. Technically, you had four singles and the defense committed eleven errors while you ran the bases. That’s how it should be scored.”

My sister: “Whatever, you’re just jealous.”

Me: “I can assure you that I am not.”

My Dad (glaring at me): “No, those were some great hits Sweetheart. All of them were home runs.”

And so it goes. Mercifully, that was the last girls’ softball game I ever attended.

As we left the ballpark, I thought of my parents, willfully sitting in the stands watching every single game. My dad wasn’t reading a newspaper during the game. He wasn’t sipping from a flask either. Instead, he had a pencil and a little piece of paper and was keeping track of all my sister’s at-bats. He legitimately cared about what was going on in the field. I simply couldn’t wrap my head around that.

I have a feeling that is about to change. While this episode happened almost ten years ago, I found myself thinking about it again this week. You see, we found out on Tuesday that the bun currently roasting in my wife’s oven is a female bun. In other words, we’re having a little girl.

I started this post with the story about high school softball for a reason. I’m slowly finding out that the prospect of having a girl makes you think about things like this. It’s weird, to say the least. This is on top of the usual worries dads face, you know, about having to one day threaten a high school boy with physical violence, having to put off retirement for another year to pay for a wedding, and having to deal with a son-in-law that spends an inexorable amount of time playing video games and dressing up like Star Wars characters.

I’m not looking forward to any of these things, but they are in my immediate future. I’m starting to think that this is how my Dad was able to enjoy himself at softball games. Instead of putting asterisks next to the “home runs” being hit, he was simply happy to spend time with his daughter and put off worrying about things like the possibility of a future prom date pulling into his driveway with a windowless van. Ah, fatherhood…

With that said, here are a few answers to some FAQs:

A girl, huh?
Yes indeed.

How do you feel about that?
I’m warming up to the idea. On the one hand, it will be an entirely new experience from having a boy. I’m sure I will gain a lot of new perspective on life in general in this process. And, I think gray hair can be a dignified look on a man.

Any ideas for a name yet?
Actually, “Prudence” has a nice ring to it.

Truthfully, I haven’t given it much thought. Because we are having a girl, it likely means I won’t be able to revive the effort to name our child “Lando Calrissian Ring.”

How is your wife doing?
Excellent question. As soon as she’s done insulating the crawl space, I’ll ask her.

When is the due date?
March 17th. I’m banking that the hospital will be serving green beers in the cafeteria.

How is little Charlie taking the news?
As you would expect, Charlie is taking it like a man.

C’mon… Did you pull off a snipe?
I won’t lie, it actually took me two shots this time. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I didn’t properly account for wind direction or the humidity. Sometimes, in the murkiness of battle, miscalculations can occur. However, I made sure to track the flight path of the first round, and adjusted accordingly on my next shot. As you might expect, my second shot went dead-center through the ovum. Mission Accomplished, time for extraction.

10 thoughts on “Having a Zillionairette”

  1. She will be a lucky girl. To have a father like you and also an Uncle Fuddyduddy at the same time.

    It’s good to know you can count how many shots you’ve fired. You should frame the spent shell casings and put them on display above your mantle at Casa Zillionaire.

  2. Congrats dude! (And Jeannette too of course)

    I remember when we found out Avery was going to be a girl, and I wondered what it was I’d actually do with a girl. And since number two was also a girl, I now end up wondering what I’d do with a boy.

    A few things I’ve learned in 4.5 years with girls:
    1) It’s never too early to worry about boys. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just going to kill the first one that shows up at the house. Hopefully that sends the right message.
    2) Train her to like sports. Not only does she enjoy watching baseball, football, basketball, and racing on TV, but she also has a cannon. We’ll have to see how it pans out down the road but there’s always hope. In any case mom is less likely to get mad at dad for watching the game when the kids are watching too.
    3) Think princesses. While right now there’s plenty of room for Star Wars stuff all over the house, be prepared to have that territory infringed upon by Ariel, Cinderella, Jasmine, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Barbie as Genevieve the Dancing Princess.
    4) Get used to glitter. It really needs no further explanation.

    Have fun!

  3. Congrats to you guys! As you are well aware, I have been eagerly waiting to go on a pink baby clothes shopping spree, so I am very thankful that (according to the last paragraph) your aim did whatever it did and you ended up with a girl! :)

  4. Much like Solo, I shuddered reading that final paragraph.

    So, Centaur, how many days apart are you and your sister? And how many days apart will Charlie and yet-to-be-named female fetus be?

    You are your parents.

  5. I agree that you offer up wayyyyy too much information in your last paragraph. I certainly didn’t need to know that it took you two shots to impregnate Jnet. Don’t you realize that your family members (and hers too) read this? Ewwww
    And for the record, they were real homeruns, not singles with errors by the fielders- thank you very much!

  6. Bravo, I pray to go that Charlie asserts his alpha male position right away. Soon after birth Charlie will need to have some one on one time so that he can let her know who is in charge.

  7. I’m a little late to the mix but I’m sorry to hear that you only needed two shots to seal the deal this time. In my experience, I’ve realized that when it’s time to talk about child number two, all the pregnancy planning and anticipation goes out the window. There’s no six months of charting monthly cycles, taking temperatures, peeing on ovulation sticks, etc. so that when it’s finally time to do the deed it only takes one immaculately timed and aimed shot. Instead, the second attempt to get pregnant normally takes months of false starts and holding penalties, coupled with the occassional unnecessary roughness (if you know what I’m shaying!)

    Anyway, all I’m saying is that sometimes the fringe benefits of not conceiving right away outweigh the perceived lack of manliness that occurs when multiple shots are needed. Alas, no luck for you (much like myself)

    I am now on the cusp of learning whether I need to deal with an infusion of princesses or if I can count on molding another boy into a mirror-image of me (scrawny, unathletic, and sarcastic as hell.) We should learn the sex of baby number two on Thursday, so send some good wishes please.

  8. Bravo! Worthy of a standing ovulation. Dammit, no wonder I no longer write for SNL. Regardless, my branding strategy for being the last to hear about any news is paying off handsomely. Congrats! Could be worse. You could have Doublemint twins.

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