Author: The Captive Lion

I’m about five seconds away from getting out some toilet paper, scissors, and masking tape in order to fashion the world’s first “Toilet Paper Glove.” I know what you’re thinking and, no, it is not related to my loss of innocence (although, note to self: look into non-tearing, quilted, two-ply “toilet paper glove” with “handy” roller dispenser). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the “toilet paper glove.”

I’m sick of trying to change my bad habits. I want services and products that adapt to me, instead of forcing me to change the “bad” behaviors that have become hard-wired in my brain. I’m talking about the same concept that brought us the dentist, people. Instead of “brushing my teeth” or “flossing,” I just pay the dentist to jackhammer in my gums for a few hours and, voila, I come out looking like a famous literary character (Hint: scroll down to the block quote) . To this day, I laugh maniacally whenever I see someone wasting their time on dental hygiene!

Which brings me to the “toilet paper glove” again. I’m considering crafting a “toilet paper glove” so that I can just wipe my runny nose with my hand as I do usually, except this way it will be sanitary. And I won’t have to wipe all the accumulating hand-snot on my jeans. Or on my socks. Or on the cuff of my long-sleeve shirt. Or on the inside of my pants pockets. Or on my boxer shorts. (Cue the Forrest Gump rip-off music.) Or on my hairnet. Or on my legwarmers. Or on my excessively large russian fur hat…

One box of “toilet paper gloves” (the name has a sort of “ring” to it, don’t you think) will only cost like $10 bucks or so. I figure, if everyone is like me, they’d probably pay $10 seeing that it will offset 97% of all laundry costs. For example, one dry-cleaning of my excessivley large russian fur hat usually runs $15 or so.

At the current rate of increase, by the year 2210 A.D. you will get approximately 4,398 receipts at the supermarket after every purchase with a debit card. This will increase the chit-chat time with the cashier from “awkward” to “frequently verbally abusive.” It will, however, still not change the fact that you will throw all the receipts into the nearest garbage can upon exiting. Or the fact that you don’t write anything down in your checkbook because “it’s all online anyway.” The garbage can will just have to be emptied more often, but that will probably be a robot’s job, so you won’t feel bad. Plus, the back sides of the receipts will still have coupons and some of those will be worthwhile, so you will curse the fact that you can’t afford a robot of your own to sort through the receipt coupons. Instead you will watch as the robot who empties the garbage sifts through your receipts and in turn, gradually becomes the wealthiest robot in the galaxy.

When I was a young buck taking a dump was like pulling in to the pits at the Indy 500, the whole process took seconds. I would race in to the bathroom, take care of business, my hands like a pit crew, expertly hovering, wiping down surfaces, examining my nuts and bolts, and zoom, I was off again!

These days, my overwhelming thought when the time comes to lay some cable is “What did I get myself into?” The process is excruciatingly slow and it always feels like I’m in the middle of the Fellowship of the Ring in a Lord of the Rings movie marathon (with the extended footage). It doesn’t help that now I’ve got such a tangled web of crack hair that it’s basically like trying to poop through a cheese-grater.

Email is quickly becoming today’s primary means of communication, replacing the telegram, the gramophone, the harpsichord, and the passenger pigeon combined. Urgent messages that used to take days, now come instantly (unless you are on hotmail).

As zillionaires entrenched in the electronic revolution, we’ve had access to email for quite a few weeks now and have learned a few things. Our advice will be useful to those of you who reside in the famed “cubicle farms” that are growing such beautiful cubicles these days. These tips will give you that leg up in the world where being just one leg higher means all the difference.

Tips for Office Emailing:

• Always get the last email. Email is a lot like a gun-fight in the old west where the last one standing gets to ride the train with Doc back to the future.
• Don’t let anyone waste your time with one-word emails. If your coworker sends you one of those worthless messages that says “Thanks” reply with an over-the-top introspective “Well it is certainly is nice to be appreciated. Thanks for the pat on the back. I’ve been wondering if all this work is really worth it, ya know? We’re all just gonna die in the end and some days it feels like what I do doesn’t matter to anyone. But I guess it does. You want to hang out, or get together this weekend? I’m free pretty much anytime.” That should hush them up real fast.
• Mark every message you send with the urgent flag, no matter the content. A bold, animated, red flag next to your email subject line lets your coworkers know how critical your “FW: Find your true soulmate quiz” really is.
• Botch every attachment you mean to send. Start your email with “Attached you will find…” and include no attachment. Don’t worry, they won’t even look for it until they see the next email thats subject line is “Oops… here it is.” Sure, you may be more email savvy than others, but you don’t want to stick out. Those who stick their necks out usually have them lopped off by an errant Koosh ball being whizzed across the “cube farm.” Sometimes, its best to refer to a phantom attachment that never appears. The resulting office confusion reduces the amount of work people expect from you.
• When a coworker gets frustrated over an unfulfilled request for a specific file, offer the standard postal excuses for your lack of emailing. For example, admit that you forgot to affix the proper postage, or that inclement weather is slowing down the mail service. Or simply say you sent it two days ago, and advise them to be available to sign for it on arrival.
• Meticulously log, backup, and categorize every email sent through your address. You never know when you’ll be asked to graph the price trends of black-market Viagra.
• Create a three strikes and you’re out junk mail blocking rule. A strike against someone could be as simple as a typo in the message, an overly lengthy signature with too many types of communication listed, or a crazy colorful font that trumps your cool and collected black Arial 10 point font. It is imperative that you keep your inbox streamlined after all.
• If the email server is down, resort to the most primitive methods of communication: cave drawings. Granted, this can be a difficult way to convey certain abstract and highly technical ideas. However, it will be an easy way to depict the outcome of a big buffalo hunt.
• If someone complains that they want clarification over an email you just sent, refer their question to your organization’s customer support line.
• Use subject lines that have nothing to do with the subject you’re emailing about. Write something like “FW: This is really funny!!!” when discussing the annual financial statements.

By following these guidelines, we think you’ll be rewarded with a cleaner inbox, less work to do, and few friends around the office. And after all, isn’t that the key to success?

Are your co-workers tired of you coming in to work bruised and bashed, reeking of human soap, dripping a trail of blood like a some sort of emergency room Hansel and Gretel? Maybe it’s time to quit that fight club you started awhile back and join a real club. The Zillionaire’s club. Because as everyone knows a club based on a movie is so Matrix, but a club based on a blog is so Lord of the Rings. And besides that, it’s easy.

The first step to joining the Zillionaire’s club is learning the greeting. Let me explain…

One day when I was out grocery shopping, I watched an encounter between two men who were obvious acquaintances, but who hadn’t been in one another’s company for some time. Gloriously, the first man shouted to the other from across three checkout lanes, “How goes the battle?” The other man replied with an average, “Fine… And yourself?” This, to me, seemed like a completely wasted opportunity on the second man’s behalf. How often does one get to relate the quills and arrows of life’s epic struggle to a fellow soldier? How often do the troops of the everyday war gather round the campfire of commonhood to share the pains of our earthly existence? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Not often enough I say.

And so on that fateful day, “How goes the battle?” became the official greeting of all Zillionaires. Its versatility is amazing, just think of all the possibilities…

At the grocery store:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The troops are hungry and restless. They’ve sent me here to gather supplies for the coming apocalypse.”

At the bank or credit union:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The enemy has raided our forts and stole all the bullion. The Major has sent me here to see if we have enough left to get the grunts some new socks.”

At the movies:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “We’ll, the Colonel’s off in Mogadishu and he’s asked me to make sure this thing doesn’t turn into the next Vietnam. He’s hidden a secret code in this movie here, which gives me the coordinates of my next special ops mission.”

At a party:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “Our numbers are dwindling fast. I’m here to enlist as many recruits as possible. It’s gonna be a long cold winter in Delaware, people.”

Now that is a greeting fit for a zillionaire!