Naming A Future Zillionaire

As you know, my wife is pregnant. And so far, the baby growing inside of her is simply referred to as Cletus… as in, “Cletus the Fetus.” However, that is about to change. We have an ultrasound appointment today, which will hopefully render the sex, thus allowing us to begin the naming process… also known as, “The Impending Four-Month Argument.”

For starters, here are some names I’ve come up with for a girl:

Warrior Princess: It’s powerful, yet feminine.

Actually, that is the only name I’ve come up with for a girl. Hopefully this is as far as the discussion goes. Of course, I’ve got a whole bunch of names lined up for a boy:

Tundra: Truck names, like “Dakota”, have become popular recently, as they are masculine and rugged. Other options along this line: Titan, Ranger, Silverado, and F-150.

Dude: I figure, if he has friends like mine, this is what he’ll respond to anyway.

Thomas Magnum: The first name “Thomas” is classy. The middle name of “Magnum” adds a touch of “ladies man private investigator” to it. Of course, my son would have to grow one helluva mustache to justify such a name. I would hate to put that kind of pressure on a kid.

Cash Money: Think of what a cocky jackass he would grow up to be with a name like this. It might be worth it though to give him the ability to introduce himself with a line like this: “They call me Cash Money. Allow me to show you why.”

Jack McSex: First name Jack, middle name McSex. I figure, if it’s good enough for my Gamertag, it’s certainly good enough for my first-born.

The Centaur, Jr: I don’t know, it might be confusing around the house if we both had the same name. Also, I want my son to create his own path, and not feel obligated to follow in his father’s footsteps. If he decides on his own to become a giant horse’s ass one day, then I will be truly honored.

And of course, my personal favorite:

Lando Calrissian: He’s known throughout the galaxy as the suavest man in space. I can’t imagine a more perfect name. Truthfully, I’m almost not even joking anymore. I’m actually going to seriously lobby for this one. Of course, my wife hates this name, which means we’ll have to compromise on a name like “Bobba Fett” instead.

Anyway, I’ll update everyone with the results as soon as possible. In the meantime, send me your suggestions! Needless to say, it’s going to be very tough to choose from a list like this.

9 thoughts on “Naming A Future Zillionaire”

  1. re: a girl’s name. For some reason, I could never get my wife to agree to Clytaemnestra. Perhaps your wife will be more amenable.

    I’ve always been partial to Xerxes for boys, but again, I’ve had difficulty convincing the wife of the utility of such a name — even though, as it turned out, we would have been able to sue XM satellite radio for trademark violation.

  2. For the sake of the child, I beg all those who read this to contribute just one suggestion. Seriously, you can’t do any worse than what’s on here. The Centaur learned all he knows about naming from the song Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash.

    Makes me think it might be time to dust off that piece of legislation I had drafted up so long ago — the Cabbage Patch Law — where all newborns are named right at the factory. There is no choice in the matter.

    But if the legal system fails as is prone to happen, here are my Plan B name offerings:

    Something with majesty: Lion-O
    Something pulp sci-fi: Galax Pollimer
    Something noble: Lancelot
    Something that will strike terror into the hearts of others: Bloodlust
    Something nerdy: Super Class A Hacker

    By the way, all of these work for any gender. Sadly I don’t think I hit upon the magic name just yet. Note to wheels: keep grinding.

  3. No credit to me on “Cletus the Fetus” or “Womb Goblin” huh Matt? Apparently Oktoberfest weekend was a blur to you when those names were introduced. I like your style.

  4. Yes, Matt, I seem to recall being ordered by your wife to NOT refer to he/she as “Cletus”. Brenda’s request for “Womb Goblin” recieved approval shortly thereafter. No matter, though. I suppose we will have to leave your naming conventions, whatever they end up being, in your shaky hands and hope for the best. Fingers crossed…

  5. Here’s another, for a boy:

    Hannibal: This kind of name will invariably become a great leader. At the end of every episode of the A-team, you knew who was keeping those soldiers of fortune functioning cohesively. All those plans don’t come together by themselves, people!

  6. How about we stay away from the crazy names and go for something a little more normal. This kid is going to have an uphill battle in life anyways with his crazy long legs and super fair skin. How about we don’t make things worse for it by naming it after an 80s tv show character ah? ie Hannibal and Thomas Magnum are out. Cash Money, Lancelot, and Pete Jr. are still in the running though. I don’t know what Xerxes means but its in the running too.

  7. I suppose Doc is out of the question…?

    I mean, he’s the one with the infamous line “I’m your huckleberry! Why johnny ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave!”

  8. Ahem…. My husband and I are expecting our first in a about four months,… a son whose name WILL be James Magnum. It has been a very polarizing name with the family members to be sure, but I personally wanted a strong manly name for my son to fill. He won’t be little forever, and a name like Magnum tends to be unforgettable. Only older people like us will connect with Magnum PI. His peers won’t have clue unless they are glued to the boob tube of syndicated shows and/or their mothers are secretly harboring hidden yearnings for the mustachioed prince of the Hawaiian Iles. On a footnote, I still couldn’t help but giggle uncontrollably at your remarks on the other name selections….

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