Author: The Captive Lion

Remember prop comics like Carrot Top or Gallagher? I have no idea why they get such a bad rap. Sure, if you think of them as comedians with a bunch of zany ideas, maybe I see your point. But if you reverse it… They are inventors with a sense of humor! Now you understand why I think they are underrated!

Seeing Carrot Top’s act is like watching Seinfeld pitch 30 products in a row on Shark Tank. The prop comic’s job is to show you a series of practical items in rapid-fire succession that make you say “Why didn’t I think of that?”

And all these life hack bloggers and YouTubers owe their entire genre to the prop comics. The prop comics were the first ones who recognized we could modify off-the-shelf products to better suit our needs and purposes. DIY would be SOL without PROPS.

To prove this lineage, will you play my little game?

Prop Comic Gag or Crazy Russian Hacker Video

1. Russian Toothpaste
2. Slippers You Can’t Stub Your Toe In
3. Shoes You Never Will Outgrow
4. Fastest Potato Peeler
5. Back-saving Toilet Seat

Answer Key: 1. CRH 2. PCG 3. PCG 4. CRH 5. PCG

Each week, Internet Zillionaire brings you the top stories in fake celebrity real estate:

• Big news in California real estate this week. Rap icon and 90’s sitcom star Fresh Prince is selling his mansion in Bel Air. Listed for $6 million, the family friendly house comes with a staff of one, a large kitchen, and a colorful “graffiti art” paint job in one room. Rumor has it the Fresh Prince is downsizing and is trading in his Bel Air pad for a small hacienda in Rancho Cucamonga.
• Long-retired DIYer Bob Villa is finally putting this old house on the market. Local appraisers say the house is showing it’s age and Villa probably should have sold long ago if he were looking to make top dollar. As of now, the old place is more of a fixer upper.
• Rather stark news from the prairie, as it seems Laura Ingalls Wilder may also be selling as this cryptic Craigslist ad appeared online this week: For sale: little house on large open prairie. Not to be confused with my other listing of “little house in big woods”. Cost: $40,000.
• Sad news from New York City, as the Pope of Greenwich Village has passed away. The Cardinals of Canal Street have called for a papal conclave to elect the next Bishop of Broome, also known as the Pope. Real estate prices outside Greenwich Village could skyrocket if the new Pope is chosen from a different Manhattan neighborhood. One New Yorker stated “If the Pope of Tribeca is announced, I’m moving to Brooklyn.

The world wide web is dead. The future of the Internet is all brick and mortar.

By now, you’ve likely heard that Amazon opened its first brick and mortar bookstore in Seattle. And yesterday, news broke that they are planning a massive expansion of the concept, perhaps rolling out hundreds more retail bookstores.

My inner pundit tells me this single occurrence is the beginning of a sweeping trend. So I am predicting that 2016 is the year all the big Internet companies open up physical storefronts across the country. Everyone will be getting into the brick and mortar game.

Facebook Store
There is nothing for sale at the Facebook store but you will see everyone from your high school. Even if you’ve lived in the same city for years and never ran into these people, somehow at the Facebook store they will be there and bombard you with pictures of their babies.

Craigslist Thrift Store
In an effort to speed up expansion into brick and mortar, Craigslist will just buy the Goodwill corporation and fire all the employees while simultaneously unbranding all the storefronts. It will literally just be like walking into your neighbor’s garage with junk piled high and no rules for engaging in commerce. It will be a big hit with the hoarders.

Netflix Theaters
Similarly, Netflix will buy a major movie theater chain and quit showing any new releases, selling concessions, or displaying the show times of the content they are playing. You just walk in and sit down and jump into whatever is streaming at the moment. No one ever has to leave before the next movie starts. No one ever wakes you up if you fall asleep. And the lights never come up to remind you it is daytime.

LinkedIn Coffeeshop
This shop’s interior decoration is modeled after your typical office. There are cubicles, a couple printers (one is broken), a gross coffee maker in the corner, and, of course, not a shred of natural light. In fact, if feels just like going to work except all your disgruntled coworkers seem much more competent and attractive than they actually are.

Twitter Mini-markets
The Twitter mini-market is inexplicable. It has no point. It has no purpose. But there is always a long line of patrons waiting to get in because capacity is only 140 characters. Rimshot!

YouTube Hall of Concerts and Pranks
YouTube will take over all the music halls and concert venues around the globe and provide free entertainment to the masses. However, there is a hefty price to be paid if one wants to enjoy this perk. At any moment, you could be caught on camera being hit in the genitals, taunted because of your musculature, or have some preppy dipstick grope you or laugh at your ethnicity.

Now that you’re convinced of this trend, help me imagine more of this world devoid of online connections. What does a Google, Instagram, or Reddit brick and mortar operation look like?

It is with great excitement and very little fanfare that I announce the return of Internet Zillionaire. I started this blog on a whim 12 years ago to the day. With the help of my hilarious friends and a stroke a luck, it actually turned into something special.

The design was highly praised in the web design community. The writing was also considered top notch. The blog was accepted into the prestigious (at the time) 9rules Network in November of 2005. Our content was featured on numerous sites including CollegeHumor and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Then life happened.

Eventually, the writing slowed to a near halt. The design sat unchanged for years like a McDonald’s hamburger left out. I watched as the site visitor stats dwindled down and down until there was almost no one reading our content anymore. The blog was mostly dead.

But as Miracle Max taught us, being mostly dead is still slightly alive! This blog, this community of amateur comedians, this water cooler for both my closest friends and many complete strangers, just needed its own chocolate-covered miracle pill. So I’ve called in all the favors I have earned over the years. I’ve assembled the dream team back for another go. And as far as I can tell, the world is even more hungry for fresh, funny, and original content. That is our mission and we choose to accept it.

So join us again, or for the first time. In preparation for today’s relaunch, we’ve already added a bunch of new posts:

• The Otis Spunkmeyer Conspiracy
• Shopkeeper’s Remix to “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window”
• Laser the Prisoner 
• Hipster Slow Cookoff 
• Password Drink
• I’m A Mexican
• Ancestry of the Coal Miner’s Daughter
• Experimental Pizza Hut Crust Flavors
• My Two Pizza Dads

Who knows, if this goes well, we could all be Internet Gajillionaire’s someday!

Shopkeeper: You want to know how much is the doggie in the window, huh? We’ll let me just look it up on my computer here…

Music begins…
How much is that doggie in the window?
The one with the waggly tail?
Well that dog is $150 dollars.
But you also need to pay to have it registered.

That will cost you another $45.
And then there is the fee to get it neutered.
You’ll have to pay a vet a bunch of money,
Or prove that it already is.

I almost forgot about the shots and vaccinations.
Dogs have to get a ton of them.
There is a rabies one, a lyme disease one,
And a bunch they just do to rob you blind.

And then there is the special microchip.
The one that is buried in its neck.
To update it will cost some moolah.
A $20 bill should cover it.

And have you thought about a collar?
And a leash, and a bed, and a crate.
I’ll sell you the whole setup for $200 dollars.
And throw in the food bowl and water bowl.

Down the road you’re gonna want to think more
About properly setting up your home
Is the backyard fenced or is open?
Cuz a fence is like $25 per linear foot.

And say there are some trees in that fence line.
Those will have to come down.
Cutting trees down used to be dirt cheap.
But now there are a lot of regulations and it’s expensive.

Don’t forget the cost of the land survey.
To make sure your neighbors won’t sue you
If you put the fence in the wrong place
And they call the city to rat on you.

So I haven’t added it all up.
But I’m sure by now you can see.
How much is that doggie in the window, you ask?
More trouble than its worth, easily!
Music ends