Category: Love

It’s typical for a baby nursery to have a changing table, which is a specially designated piece of furniture stocked with all the items needed to change a soiled baby. It’s a practical idea, and our nursery will definitely have one. When the baby needs to be changed, chaos won’t ensue. My wife will know right where to go.

But what happens when the child needs to be disciplined? What do we do? Where do we go? Where are all the necessary supplies? While we fumble around with the answers, our child would be going undisciplined in the meantime. And seeing as how I intend to run a house of discipline, this is frankly unacceptable. And thus was born the Spanking Table.

Hear me out. Put down the phone. There’s no need to call child protective services. I’m not going to spank an infant… unless I catch him smoking or stealing. The Spanking Table is merely a prototype at this point anyway. But don’t worry, by the time my son is ready for corporal punishment, the Spanking Table will be fully operational.

And I intend to use it. Spanking builds character. And I want my son to have lots of character.

So what separates a Spanking Table from an ordinary piece of plywood on top of two sawhorses? At this point, very little. However, here are some features I’ll be adding in the next production phase:

1. The Wooden Spoon Holder: Self-explanatory.

2. The Spare Belt: In the event that I’m not wearing a belt, there will always be a spare attached to the Spanking Table.

3. Cupholder: Child-rearing can leave you rather parched.

4. Docking Station for IPod: Take your music with you! Never miss your favorite song, even while spanking your child!

Finally, please understand, the Spanking Table is a humane device. By increasing spanking efficiency, it will minimize the length and stress of frequent corporal punishment. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you parent.

Good one. You forgot to get a Valentine’s Day gift for your wife or girlfriend. I’ve been there myself. The good news is you can survive this. Just don’t panic. And whatever you do, don’t use one of the excuses below:

1. “I thought we were saving money right now?”
The classic excuse. Unfortunately, this isn’t your call. Your wife dictates when you are saving money, usually by vetoing the purchase of new golf clubs or an Xbox 360. Women can be quite frugal in this regard. Sadly, this option doesn’t exempt you from getting her a gift. If anything, since you’re intent on saving money, she’ll question why you didn’t get her a 30-year savings bond for Valentine’s Day.

2. “I thought Valentine’s Day didn’t apply once you were actually married.”
It does seem kind of pointless. I guarantee there are some newlywed men out there are nodding in agreement on this one. Unfortunately, they will learn this lesson the hard way.

3. “You know, they double the price of flowers on Valentine’s Day.”
Look, I’m willing to be gouged at Chevron, because gas is useful. Same with Comcast, because cable TV is a necessity. But I refuse to be gouged at the florist. It’s a matter of principle.

4. “I thought you wanted to just have a quiet dinner alone, just the two of us.”
Of course, we all know she means a quiet dinner in a crowded restaurant.

5. “You know I don’t want to be spotted shopping at Hallmark.”
If there’s one thing your wife is not concerned with, it’s preserving your street cred.

6. “Aren’t you too old for stuffed animals anyway?”
I strongly advise against using this one. Also, don’t suggest that she’s too fat to receive candy or too homely for lingerie. If nothing else, steer clear of this excuse simply to avoid having to remove something sharp and pointy from your eye socket.

7. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget. I’ve got a big surprise planned for this weekend!
Let the web of lies begin! Use this option only as a last resort. This excuse will buy you some time, at the expense of significantly higher expectations. Normally I’d say you couldn’t live up to them. On the other hand, if you’re seriously consulting this list, chances are her standards are already pretty low.

Good luck gentlemen. And Happy Valentine’s Day Jnet.

As you know, my wife is going to deliver a baby in a few months, and we’ll soon have a slightly used placenta on our hands. What do we do with this thing? Any takers out there?

They say that the afterbirth is chock full of nutrients, and most pragmatic people hate to see something like that go to waste. For that reason, some people bury their placenta in the garden, thereby perpetuating the circle of life by growing super-produce laced with human bodily fluids. That’s one option, but it just seems like we could do more with the afterbirth than just use if for fertilizer.

In some cultures, it’s common to actually eat the placenta. This seems kind of cannibalistic to me. Even if I could get over that aspect of it, there are a bevy of other issues to address…

For starters, how do you even get the placenta home from the hospital? Are there doggie bags for this purpose?

Me (rubbing stomach eagerly): “Excuse me, nurse, can you box this up for me? I definitely want to polish this off when I get home!”

And if you were to actually eat it, how would you prepare it? Let’s face it, I doubt Betty Crocker has any recipes for the afterbirth. I think it’s just something you have to experiment with… try different spices, different side dishes, that sorta thing. Then you can start to tackle tougher issues, like determining whether to serve white or red wine. At this point, I’m sure you’re all thinking what I’m thinking: All of this could make for a fantastic episode of “Iron Chef.”

If my wife does go to the trouble to make a placenta casserole, I guess I would try it, just so I wouldn’t hurt her feelings. Of course, all of this is a moot point, since I basically eat whatever my wife cooks for dinner without question anyway. For all I know, I could have had placenta last night… And if that were the case, I would have to say that placenta tastes (and looks) a lot like spaghetti. This is somewhat surprising, as I always assumed the afterbirth would taste like chicken.

Of course, supposing she did make placenta casserole one night, I can’t imagine it being very good. I mean, seeing as how I hate green bean casserole, it’s not like placenta would be any tastier, right? My biggest fear is that she’ll double the recipe, and make a whole bunch of it, and then we’re stuck with lots of leftovers. It’s not like I have a dog or stepchild to feed it to. I suppose I could always take the leftovers to a homeless shelter or something. Who knows, maybe they can make soup out of it. I could probably even write it off as a charitable donation too.

On the other hand, what happens if she serves placenta casserole and it really hits the spot? And as I mentioned above, the placenta is full of nutrients… seriously, it’s like the equivalent of three bowls of Kellogg’s Total. What if I actually develop a taste for it? It’s not like you can order afterbirth as a pizza topping. It could be tough having to go nine months between servings of placenta.

Because of that, it’s probably best if we skip eating the placenta altogether. We’ll just get it bronzed like everyone else.

I’m pleased to announce the results of our ultrasound today with this snapshot capturing the baby’s genitalia.

Clearly, it’s a man. Look at that sniper rifle! I can’t even begin to express my relief right now. And for the record, this is the first of many nude photos of my son that will be taken and invariably pulled out in front of his prom date 18 years from now.

Here’s one other pic with a more tasteful look at little Lando Calrissian.

There’s no need to schedule a sex change operation after the delivery. We’re having a boy, an heir to the Zillionaire Empire… and I couldn’t be happier. The next step is settling on a name, so please continue sending in your suggestions!

As you know, my wife is pregnant. And so far, the baby growing inside of her is simply referred to as Cletus… as in, “Cletus the Fetus.” However, that is about to change. We have an ultrasound appointment today, which will hopefully render the sex, thus allowing us to begin the naming process… also known as, “The Impending Four-Month Argument.”

For starters, here are some names I’ve come up with for a girl:

Warrior Princess: It’s powerful, yet feminine.

Actually, that is the only name I’ve come up with for a girl. Hopefully this is as far as the discussion goes. Of course, I’ve got a whole bunch of names lined up for a boy:

Tundra: Truck names, like “Dakota”, have become popular recently, as they are masculine and rugged. Other options along this line: Titan, Ranger, Silverado, and F-150.

Dude: I figure, if he has friends like mine, this is what he’ll respond to anyway.

Thomas Magnum: The first name “Thomas” is classy. The middle name of “Magnum” adds a touch of “ladies man private investigator” to it. Of course, my son would have to grow one helluva mustache to justify such a name. I would hate to put that kind of pressure on a kid.

Cash Money: Think of what a cocky jackass he would grow up to be with a name like this. It might be worth it though to give him the ability to introduce himself with a line like this: “They call me Cash Money. Allow me to show you why.”

Jack McSex: First name Jack, middle name McSex. I figure, if it’s good enough for my Gamertag, it’s certainly good enough for my first-born.

The Centaur, Jr: I don’t know, it might be confusing around the house if we both had the same name. Also, I want my son to create his own path, and not feel obligated to follow in his father’s footsteps. If he decides on his own to become a giant horse’s ass one day, then I will be truly honored.

And of course, my personal favorite:

Lando Calrissian: He’s known throughout the galaxy as the suavest man in space. I can’t imagine a more perfect name. Truthfully, I’m almost not even joking anymore. I’m actually going to seriously lobby for this one. Of course, my wife hates this name, which means we’ll have to compromise on a name like “Bobba Fett” instead.

Anyway, I’ll update everyone with the results as soon as possible. In the meantime, send me your suggestions! Needless to say, it’s going to be very tough to choose from a list like this.